Chapter 43

“Not as much as you’d think a person with a porch swing should.”

“I don’t know that I’ve ever analyzed how much a person with a porch swing should use it.”

“Well, I have and it’s underused.”

I smiled. “Is it a surfboard?”

He paused for a moment as if confused then nodded. “Yes.”

“Seventeen questions.”

“That was eighteen.”

“No, because you didn’t answer the sport competition one. You just analyzed it.”

“True.”

I brought my knees up onto the swing with me. “Do you like to surf?”

“I do.”

“I was just surfing the other day.”

“I know. Bec said she saw you out there.”

Bec had told him she saw me out there. I wondered if she told him how badly my friends had treated her. How badly I had treated her. I had been so proud of myself that day over nothing. I had done nothing for her, only for myself. I wondered if Hayden was starting to add up all the negatives he was collecting on me.

He didn’t seem to be thinking about the injustices delivered to Bec when he said, “That’s what made me think of a surfboard for the game. Very anticlimactic, I know.”

He looked at my mouth, and just when I thought he was thinking about other things, better things, things that were going to make me forget tonight completely, he lowered his eyebrows with a frustrated sigh.

“What?”

“You’re smiling.”

“That’s a good thing, right?”

“tia.” He paused and took my hand. “It’s not how you’re feeling.”

“I don’t cry, if that’s what you’re waiting for.”

“What are you thinking about?”

“I was thinking about surfing. Now I’m thinking about the fact that your hand is warm.” And that I really like holding it.

“That’s it. You’re talking to my mom.”

“What?”

He didn’t answer me, just stood up and went inside. He couldn’t have been serious. I was not talking to his mom. And yet a couple of minutes later, Olivia came outside and joined me on the porch swing.

I spoke first. “I’m so sorry. Your son is overreacting. I really just want to go home.”

“Okay, let me drive you.”

“Thank you.”

It’s like Hayden knew that his mom was the easiest person in the world to open up to because after I told her where I lived and before we had even made it down the block I was rambling on about how that video made me feel. “I’m the most shallow person on the face of the earth, I’ve decided. I have absolutely no depth. And I don’t know how to get it. My life is normal. My parents are together. They don’t beat me or anything. Death has never taken anyone close from me. I do well in school. We’re not poor but we’re not rich either. I’ve never had a life-threatening illness or injury. I’m devoid of tragedy and therefore have no wisdom or insights to offer.”

Olivia laughed. Not the mocking kind of laugh but just a warm, gentle laugh that lightened my mood a bit. “Oh, tia, honey. You’ll have enough trials to get through in life without wishing them upon yourself.”

“But I’m flawed. I’m flawed because I haven’t experienced anything to teach me any valuable life lessons that make me a better person. My brother captured that so well and easily.”

Olivia was quiet and I was convinced it was because I was a lost cause. She had no advice to offer the naive, shallow girl. But then she gave a small hum and said, “We rarely find depth by looking inside of ourselves for it. Depth is found in what we can learn from the people and things around us. Everyone, everything, has a story, tia. When you learn those stories, you learn experiences that fill you up, that expand your understanding. You add layers to your soul.”

I nodded even though she was driving and probably couldn’t see me. She pulled up in front of my house and turned toward me.

“What your brother did? It wasn’t right. He should’ve asked your permission.”

“He kind of did. On the video itself.”

“You and I both know he should’ve asked in a better way. Mocking someone else to make us seem deep or intelligent only proves the exact opposite.”

“He knew it would bother me. It’s not like he thought I’d be fine with it. Otherwise he would’ve wanted me to come.”

“I’m sorry, tia. And I know you’re embarrassed. I hope you’ll talk to your parents about it. Tell them how it made you feel. Let them bring your family together over this.”

I gave a humorless laugh. “We’re not like your family. We keep everything on the surface. Or completely inside.”

“Well, maybe you’re the one who’s going to change that with your newfound depth.”

I smiled. “Maybe.” I reached for the door handle.

“And tia?”

“Yes?”

“My son doesn’t like shallow girls, so there must be a lot more to you than you think.”

“Hayden doesn’t like me. We’ve just had a mutually beneficial arrangement that is now, unfortunately, over.” He had felt like he owed me a favor after the party. But now that favor was paid. We were even. And I realized after spending the day with him that I was sad about that. I wanted him to like me because as much as I’d tried, I could no longer deny the fact that I liked him.