Chapter 62

Claire stood. “Glad to know how you feel.” With that she left. Laney paused for one brief moment and then went with her.

I looked at Drew, but he just shook his head in disgust. He was now probably very pleased with himself for making a video about how much I needed validation. “Really, tia?”

“Please don’t judge me right now.” My voice wobbled when I spoke so I didn’t say anything else.

He tapped Tom ’s arm and jerked his head toward the door and they both walked away. Why didn’t I have a brother who would defend me even if I stole a Popsicle? I leaned my forehead on the table and decided I wasn’t moving until someone made me.

Someone clearing her throat made me look up. How had I not noticed that mea hadn’t left with the others?

“What?”

“I’ve been to six high schools in four years. Claire was the only person who ever made me feel like I belonged.”

“So that’s what it was always about? You wanted to steal Claire from me?”

“I just knew she deserved better.”

Mea was right. Claire did deserve better than me. I put my forehead back on the table and listened as mea clicked her way out of the restaurant on her high heels. For the second time in as many days, I realized I needed to call my dad for a ride home. I was stranded.

The problem with having the only person I could really talk to right now be the sister of the person I didn’t want to see ever again was that I was stuck in a car trying to figure out things on my own. It used to be that I could do that really well, back at the beginning of the year. And despite how many people had told me lately that I was different and better and changed, I sure felt lost and angry and alone. I just wanted my old self back. The one who could force a problem away until she could deal with it. But maybe that was the problem—I never ended up dealing with anything.

Something mea of all people had said stuck in my head. Claire deserved better. She was right. Claire deserved better than a friend like mea. And I truly thought I could be better. . . . I was better. Better than the stupid lie I’d told over a month ago. Better than the person I’d been at the beginning of the year who didn’t think much about other people aside from how they could help me. I hadn’t even realized I had been that person until now.

I started my car and drove to Claire’s house. I had to deal with this. I’d screwed up. I knocked on her front door, and her mom, who usually invited me in with a smile, positioned her body to block the way.

“I’m sorry, tia. She doesn’t want to talk to you right now.”

I thought about that doormat her mom had bought for us that claimed it wasn’t a doormat and how Claire was applying its statement in this moment. I wanted to put a smile on my face, to pretend like everything was or at least would be perfect. Instead I said, “I’ve been a horrible friend. Will you tell her that? There’s no excuse for what I did. Will you just tell her I’m sorry and that maybe she can talk to me one day soon? And will you tell her ‘eighty-three days’?”

Her mom nodded then shut the door.

I wasn’t sure she would tell her all that so I texted it to Claire and my little thought about the doormat and how I was glad she wasn’t letting me get away with my bad behavior but how I hoped she’d forgive me one day. Finally I texted the amount of days until we would be roommates.

The only thing she texted back was We still have thirty days to change roommate preferences.

I stared at that text, standing on the front porch of her house, hoping she wasn’t implying what I thought she was implying. Mea had won. She’d wanted Claire and she’d gotten her.

I swallowed down the lump in my throat.

At home I thought it would be awkward. That my parents would be angry with me. But I should’ve known better. I walked into the house and found my parents and Drew sitting around the kitchen table and talking. I waited for the angry exclamations but all I got was my dad saying, “tia, lying is never the answer.”

I waited for more. For anger. Drew grunted like for the last couple of hours he’d been trying to get them riled up over my actions.

“You should’ve seen how they defended you,” I said.

“We stand behind both our children,” my mom said.

“It’s easier to see our mistakes if you face us,” Drew said.

My mom smiled at him like it was a joke, like she thought he was so clever.

“I’m going to my room,” I said, knowing this was going nowhere. My parents were well set in their ways.

“You’re grounded,” Drew called after me.

“Only if you are.”

I awoke to humming. Off-key humming. I cracked one eye open and saw my mom putting stacked clothes of folded laundry on my dresser.

“You should be awake,” she said.

I pulled my pillow over my head. “I’m not going to school today.”

“Yes, you are.”

“Mom, I don’t want to. I had a bad day yesterday.”

“You can’t hide from your problems.”

“Why not? You do.”

The room became so silent that I thought maybe she had left. I moved my pillow to see her standing in the middle of my room, staring out my window, a look of sadness on her face. I wanted to take back what I’d said, but I didn’t.

“You can use Dad’s car today,” she said, then turned and left my room.

I somehow got myself showered and ready for school. I went to the kitchen to eat breakfast with my mom like I always did, thinking I could apologize, but she wasn’t there . . . like she always was. Instead there was a note on the counter. Went to work early. There’s cereal in the pantry.