23 Unwanted Responsibilities

Miranda and I haven’t seen each other in weeks. We’ve texted each other, but for different reasons, it has been impossible for us to meet in person or even talk on the phone. We’ve never had this problem before and I know it has something (or everything) to do with the fact that secretly she doesn’t really want to see me. Once we see each other face to face we are going to have to talk about the fact that Barney dislikes me and that he has probably advised Miranda to keep her distance from me. Miranda is in the awkward position of choosing between the two of us; I know she’ll choose me, but she has been infatuated with Barney for so long I’m sure it’s difficult for her to break up with him. It’s easier to avoid me for a while than to face reality. I get it and I will give her the space she needs.    

Today it’s been especially hard for me not to have my friend’s support. The Ricci’s annual gathering is this weekend and so Roxana arrived on Monday to help us out with the last preparations before the event. Having her home for an entire week, day and night have been nightmarish, but on top of that, today marks the third week of me not getting my period. I’ve never been late in my life and I’m freaking out. I don’t get it, I’ve taken the contraceptives consistently, I haven’t missed even one take, I’ve been really careful about it and yet this is happening. I haven’t mentioned it to Stefan yet, I want to know for sure first and decide alone what I want, but I’m too scared to take a pregnancy test, so I find myself in this strange limbo of not knowing for sure if I’m pregnant, but already feeling overwhelmed by the possibility. It would be easier to just go to a pharmacy to get a test, but the thought of it gives me goosebumps, once I know for sure I’m going to have to face it and I don’t know if I can handle it. What if Stefan is the kind of guy that walks out on his pregnant girlfriend? What if my dad kicks me out of the house? I have to come up with a plan in case I have to face this pregnancy alone and since I have no idea how I’m going to do it, I rather not know yet.

I get more nervous with every day that goes by and I’m sure people are starting to notice it, at work I’ve been really grouchy even though I try not to let it affect me. Luckily, Stefan had to go out of town to attend to some business and won’t be back until Friday, just in time for the annual gathering, so at least I don’t have to worry about him noticing there’s something going on with me. 

It’s a slow day in the office and so I type ‘pregnancy symptoms’ in the search bar on my computer. I’m about to press enter, but then I regret it. No, I don’t want to know. It’ll just make me feel more unsettled. Tania, a girl from accounting, comes to my desk and starts chatting with me about her sick cat. I don’t listen to a word she’s saying, in my mind, there’s only room for babies and unwanted responsibilities. I’m only 20 years old, what am I going to do? 

At 5 pm, people turn off their computers and start gathering their belongings felling glad that the workday is over, but I don’t feel the same joy as they do, I don’t want to go home. I wish I had some urgent task that required me to stay late, but my ‘to do’ list is as empty as my head is full of worries. I walk to the exit reluctantly and my mood worsens when I see Roxana waiting for me outside the building. 

“Finally! I’ve been waiting forever!” Roxana complains as I approach her. 

“I get out at 5 and it’s 5:06... What are you doing here?” I ask annoyed. 

“I need to buy the ingredients for the lemon pie and your mom thought it would be a good idea if we’d go together.” 

I know this is my mom’s plan to get Roxana off her back for a while. I pity her, she’s been dealing with our guest all day long for almost 4 days in a row, at least I go to work and get to take a break from Roxana, my mom doesn’t. 

“Sure, maybe we can go somewhere for dinner after,” I suggest, buying my mom extra rest time.  

“Whatever, but if it’s going to be just the two of us having dinner you have to be less dull than usual,” Roxana replies. I have to make a real effort not to slap her right in the face, she’s so annoying. 

We get on the van and Ivan takes us to numerous different stores to find what Roxana is looking for. Apparently, her lemon pie needs some really specific ingredients that are difficult to find, so a simple errand takes us hours. I feel exasperated, I’m in no mood for going thru every store in the city to find the right kind of sugar. As Roxana is speaking to the manager of the fifth store we visit, I go to the restroom, just in case my period has come unannounced. I’ve been doing the same in each store, but I haven’t had any luck yet. The fifth is not the charm, no period yet. At least when I go out I find that Roxana has finally found what she needed, so this is the last store we have to visit.  

“Are you sure you want to go have dinner? We can go home if you prefer,” Roxana says as we walk to a Greek restaurant on the corner of the street of the last store we visited. 

“Sure, why do you ask?” I ask shrugging. 

“Because you obviously have diarrhea!” She cries out in the middle of the sidewalk where other pedestrians can hear her loud and clear. 

My face turns red. “What? No, I don’t!”

“Right, so why have you used the restroom in each place we went to? Diarrhea is a common disease, Olivia, don’t act so outraged. You clearly have it and we should go home. Nothing to be ashamed about,” Roxana says as she looks around for Ivan. 

“I don’t have diarrhea,” I respond angrily. 

“So, it’s normal for you to go to the restroom every 15 minutes? You should really see a doctor about it.” She replies. 

“I thought I was getting my period, ok?” I explain exasperated. 

“You were checking for your period every 15 minutes? That’s weird! What are you afraid you might be pregnant?” She bluntly asks. 

I bite my lower lip and hang my head. Hearing the words out loud makes me feel overwhelmed. I hate to feel like this, especially in front of Roxana. 

“Oh, no! Olivia! Your dad is going to have a heart attack! How could you be so reckless? In this day and age? There are like millions of ways to protect yourself! What were you thinking?” She’s making an effort to sound worried, but I know she’s really enjoying the fact that I screw up. 

“I did use protection! I’m on the pill, I don’t know what happened. I’m three weeks late and I don’t understand why! I’m twenty years old and I’m probably pregnant, my life is ruined and I don’t know what to do! I don’t need you to judge me, because I did everything right! This is not my fault!” I’m practically shouting.

Roxana flinches with my reaction, she probably didn’t expect for me to lose my cool in the middle of the sidewalk surrounded by pedestrians. 

“Ok, calm down. Have you taken a pregnancy test?” She asks in a soothing voice and I shake my head no. “Ok, so let’s not get ahead of ourselves. You say you are on the pill, so maybe there’s another explanation. Sometimes women don’t get their periods and that doesn’t mean they are pregnant. Have you lost weight? Because that’s a reason. Or maybe you are under a lot of stress. Stress can make you miss your period too...” 

Roxana is frenetically trying to come up with an explanation to make me feel better. It works, as she enumerates reasons for not getting your period I see before me a sea of endless possibilities. Being pregnant is just one of many explanations, but far from the only one. 

“Thank you,” I say once she’s done.

“Take a pregnancy test before freaking out, ok?” Roxana winks at me. 

“I will,” although I don’t know when. 

We go to the Greek restaurant and, for once, I enjoy Roxana’s company. She acts particularly kind to me without mentioning a word about my lateness, I really appreciate it. She can be less awful when she sets her mind to it.