A Second Chance

I was staring at the sun. Everything felt bright and warm... and painful.

'Why do I feel pain in death?'

I felt... I felt... How can I still feel things when I'm dead?

"You look handsome, young master!" a faraway voice called to me.

I suddenly brought myself back into consciousness. There was a brief period when the world spun around, but in no time, I was grounded.

"My, our little boy will surely become the bane of all maidens!" another voice said.

I blinked my vision into focus. Standing around me were tall women in maid's uniform. They seemed like giants. Looking around, the whole room seemed too big for a normal human being. And then I chanced upon a mirror.

My eyes went wide. It wasn't that everything was big... Rather, I was just too small. I suddenly felt lightheaded.

'It can't be... I've heard of stories that the gods allowed certain people to be born into another life... but this? No one said people can be brought back into time!'

I brought my shaking hands up and looked at them. Pudgy. Tiny. Definitely a toddler's hands. Staring back at the mirror, I recognized a childlike version of myself. Light brown skin, a darker shade than what society deemed as the "perfect pale". The darkest brown curls that never seemed to stay put. But these were currently bunched up into a low bun, covered by a little cream-colored hat. I stared at my midnight blue eyes.

I wasn't dead... I was brought back into time.

It might have been because of the sensitive body that I now had, but tears easily sprung out from my eyes. I cried like the child I now was while the maids around me began to panic.

"Oh no! Miss Elle, please don't cry," one of the calmer maids cooed towards my little form. Almost as an afterthought, she grumbled, "I knew we shouldn't have dressed her up as a boy. Now look at her..."

Barely in control of my little body, I was carried and pressed against a maid's bosom, listening to their lulling sounds. Their humming, though quite crude, succeeded to calm me down.

"Poor girl," one silently sung. "Poor girl."

'What is happening?' I thought amidst my soft cries.

In time, I hiccuped into silence and into sleep.

Back into my adult form, I found myself in a bright room. It reminded me of the white walls and neutral shades of the Temple, but while I found the Temple's monotony suffocating and emptying, this room filled me with a sense of peace.

For a moment, I thought I was really dead and I was already in the Sun God's Palace, ready to be judged. Perhaps I really am dead...

In the midst of my troubling thoughts, the sweetest sound greeted me, enveloping the air with its gentle tune. I felt scared, not because the sound might hurt me, but because I felt it was far greater than me. I felt the need to show it respect, and so I lowered myself into a half kneel, my head bowed.

The song continued, turning almost content after I genuflected. I listened to it more, feeling its soft rhythm, and in my state of captivation, I realized I can glimpse a wave of colors floating in the air. They almost seemed alive, dancing and twirling to the enchanting music.

I realized I had to speak.

"Oh Great One, may I ask why I have been brought here?" I whispered, inwardly cringing at how lowly a sound I had produced, even if a common man might say otherwise.

The Music seemed to smile at me in delight. And then, it made a low, prolonging sound, as though presenting to me a challenge. It seemed to be telling me to answer my question myself.

I began to think. I remember finding myself brought back into time, and in my shock, I had cried myself into sleep...

"Great One, were you the being who have brought me back to life... and into my past?" I asked, still following the dazzling lights with my eyes. Then, the lights grew brighter in agreement.

I was still surprised, even though I had already somewhat guessed that it was the case. But to actually be in the presence of a godly being made me tremble in fright and disbelief.

As though it felt the troubled thoughts circling inside my head, the Music turned frantic and hurried as well. Still beautiful, but turning chaotic as well.

Just as the Music reached its climax, I deemed to ask, "Why?"

The lights and the sounds seemed to have been dragged down by a heavy weight. Then, their forms which I could hear and see grew wild and angry. The sounds of beasts and the dark. The bright red flashes and the screams.

I found myself terrified by the sudden change in the Music around of me, and then, as my vision was slowly turning black, it turned gentle yet again. The rough and hard punches turned into desperate grasps. In my mind, the song reminded me of the young girl that asked me for my help; her sad, bulging eyes, and her weary limbs, always reaching towards the light, seeking for refuge...

The Music was sorrowful.

Just as I had felt for the young girl who had haunted me in my dreams for years, the Music pitied me as well.

I sighed, letting the dimmed down, dancing balls of light surround me. It almost seemed as though they were giving me support; a cane for balance; or a simple, well-meaning hug.

Comforted, I let myself look back into my life. Visions appeared in my mind.

The giggling, lighthearted maids who raised me.

The mother who seemed too frightened to love me.

The brothers who ignored me.

The unknown crown prince from far away.

The nobles who scorned my mere presence.

The faceless, white-robed men who drugged and used me.

And my father... and his cold gaze as he let me die.

Sighing yet again, I realized my life was not a great one. In fact, most people would not even wish upon their greatest enemies this kind of life. I let another tear drop, allowing myself to feel weak and pitiful. Under the gaze of a god, I felt that it was alright for me to feel this way...

Instead, I made a firm promise. When I wake up, I'll grow stronger. I won't let anyone hurt me again. I owed it to the sweet Music that gave me another chance in life...

Fierce determination surged up from within me, giving me a strength that I have never felt before.

The Sun God might not have given me a man's body, but the Music instead gave me a greater opportunity.

What point is there in being a man if there are young girls who will still be hit by mean, merchant boys; and merchant boys who can easily get away with it? No, I will gladly take this chance to repent. For the young girl I have hurt, and for the whole of woman kind.

I have to live my life as a woman.

The Music grew louder and the lights moved faster. I heard it saying a farewell, and I felt a gentle kiss upon my forehead. A blessing.

My whole being slowly felt the sudden warmth that surrounded me, my heart beating strong and steady.

The balls of light grew brighter and brighter and brighter until I felt as though I was looking straight into the sun.

I woke up then, gently prying off the soft blankets that coccooned my small body.

The thick curtains shielded the little heat from the new day, but I still felt the warmth from the Music's blessing. Bringing my tiny hand up near my face and moving it around as I willed, I let out a free laugh.

Smiling widely, I have never felt more alive.