Of Emptiness and Abundant Feasts

I dreamed of the past. The life I once lived.

In particular, I dreamed of an early memory; one that I never would have remembered in my 18-year-old body. No, I chose to forget about it. What use is a daunting memory to an already weary young woman?

I was still so young. Probably even younger than I am now. Unlike most infant girls, I was born with a strong body and a quick mind. It never was of great use to me as I grew up as an obedient woman, but back then, the maids and the worker boys at the castle would simply admire my health.

'Never have I seen such a strong young miss!' they would exclaim.

Most babies, if not tended to properly, would likely die prematurely. This is especially so for baby girls. After all, unlike the prized boys, these babies were often left uncared for. Why waste precious medicine and herbs on a mere baby girl?

But, no, as luck would have it, I grew strong. Neglect has not made me weak, and instead, it has helped strengthen my resistance and immunity. Even as a toddler, I had embellished myself with that title and showed off by constantly running around the palace grounds.

I was so fast, and still so small, that I often left my tottering maids behind me.

One particular day, I snuggled into a little crack on the less populated left wing's walls, and found myself inside a narrow, dark corridor. It didn't have any working lamps, and it smelled of dust and vermin. Later on, I finally knew that those inner walkways were hidden paths once used by servants to easily travel around the palace without being seen.

But, my young self didn't think too much and instead chose to explore this new frontier. A dozen rats and a thousand cobwebs later, I finally found a source of light after twisting and turning at random.

I bent down to observe, and found a square opening with grills, probably the size of my infantile head. Probably an airway of some sorts.

I had to sit down to peek between the gaps. I saw a dimly lit room, with the usual chaise lounge of dark wood, creepy human-sized paintings, and extravagant furnishings. It looked much like the countless rooms in the palace, but what struck me was the presence of the delicate set of porcelain teacups on the table.

My mother's very own personal set. She had it hand-made from a foreign artisan, crafted only for her. She only ever drank tea from those cups.

So, I searched eagerly for her figure. I rarely did see the woman who gave birth to me... A slight movement from under the sofa hinted the movement of feet, and then, I heard voices at last.

"It's not something to feel sad about, my lady. It has only been a few years, and both the boys are healthy and growing well," said the quiet voice of a woman.

I saw a hand finally reach out for a cup, and I glimpsed mother's favorite sapphire bracelet on its wrist.

"Well, my lord husband, King Thrace, isn't growing any fonder of me. I promised him three sons, but... Even after the shamans had granted my wish…"

"My lady, speak not of your deal with the shamans of the West. You know how poorly they are thought of by the Sun God's Temple."

I saw the cup wobble in my mother's grasp. She set it down shakily back into its saucer.

"… I know, Minerva. I only speak of these things with you," I heard my mother whisper, a slight warning in her tone.

"I understand, my lady, and I am honored by your trust. But, the walls are thin in this particular castle. We never know who might be peeping in."

I held my breath, for even my undeveloped mind could tell that their topic was very serious.

After a moment of silence, mother spoke again. "Minerva, what am I to do? We have tried for three years and yet I have not shown sign of carrying a child. What if I have reached my limit? I have always had a weak body… Oh, Minerva, what if that wretched daughter of mine would be my last?"

Her speech was only greeted with silence, and then she continued.

"I've done all that I could. I've visited the cursed shamans. I have taken in vile herbs and concoctions. I have even gone on a pilgrimage, Minerva! Yet, no son I have birthed."

I sucked in a deep breath as a spider started crawling up my arm. I've always hated them, but my fear for being discovered held it back, and my curiosity to hear my mother's words made me sit as still as a dead mouse.

"… My lady, calm down. You are still young, and the King, His Royal Highness, still favors you dearly. I do not think you birthing Eleftheria would-"

"Do not mention that name!" my mother screeched in a high-pitched wail. "Minerva, that cursed name was to be given to my first-born. Yet, I had a girl! The Gods have blessed me with a female first-born child. Hah! You do not know how hard I tried to hide it…"

My mother was now rambling on so incoherently I had to lean in more to better understand her.

"… ill-fortune! I had to smother her wails with a pillow… Ah, and it went well! My husband only knows my first-born was a still-born male child. But then… But then, there comes another… Oh, why must my husband take a liking into her strong lungs? I should have killed that abomination when I had the chance! She brings nothing but misfortune! Nothing!... SO DO NOT SPEAK OF HER NAME!"

I saw my mother's prized teacup flung across with such a great force, it shattered into the tiniest of pieces against the royal family's portrait.

I still remember my younger self finally realizing the truth about our life. She was born unwanted. A cursed child. It didn't matter if she had been born with strong lungs and a healthy cry. It didn't matter if she was healthier and more beautiful than her brothers.

I remember staring into the portrait, the stains from the tea standing out amidst the bright colors. The King, majestic and cold. My mother, petite and utterly covered up in the dullest colors. My oldest brother with his mother's golden hair. The second brother with his thinner face and everlasting scowl, otherwise a perfect copy of his brother.

The portrait was done fairly recently, but I wasn't in it.

That was the first instance when I finally began to wonder why my parents never visited me, and why I was never allowed to play with my older siblings, and why my own mother always looked at me with a stare so different from the ones she gave my brothers.

I stared at the painting for hours and hours, long after my mother and Minerva had left, and long after the decent hours of the day.

Inside the damp pathways behind the castle walls, I probably would never have been found if I didn't choose to go back into my room, starved and feeling empty. Yet, even after almost a day of being lost, not one of my family had noticed I was gone.

Empty...

I feel so empty...

"… Elle! Wake up, Young Lady Elle!" I heard someone call me.

I awoke with annoyance probably plastered on my face. I looked at the window and saw darkness. Dawn hasn't even broken yet…

I stared at my nanny, Miss Hestia, crouching beside me on my wide bed. Her sitting position was revealing a great amount of skin from her single-layered skirt. She was smiling widely, her cheeks bright red with excitement.

"… Why are you waking me up so early?" I mumbled, rubbing a small fist against my eyes.

Miss Hestia then held both my shoulders with her bare hands, shaking me a bit as she announced in an inappropriately loud voice considering the hour of the day, "CONGRATULATIONS! The Analysts from the Ministry have just finished their appraisal of the Orb! They could hardly believe it! You're actually a five-star mage, at five years old!! Oh, I do hope you're feeling okay now... You see, I couldn't wait any longer so I…"

She went on and on, talking excitedly and making wide gestures. She almost seemed genuinely happy for me. I couldn't help but smile.

A five-star mage...

Miss Hestia only stopped speaking when the sun was already peeking from the distance. I suddenly felt better, and it seemed as though I had forgotten a bitter memory…

"… Are you quite alright, my lady?" Miss Hestia asked, her thin brows knotted together in worry. "You don't look too good…?"

I blinked, recognizing the certain emptiness inside me. "Huh… I must be feeling hungry."

She smiled brightly, and shouted animated instructions towards the door, where hidden and waiting maids were ready to assist me. I let out a little laugh, and stretched out my squishy body. I had to prepare myself. After all, I was about to eat a scrumptious feast.