Chapter 23

    For next few weeks she managed to avoid Bryan. It appeared that it’s much easier to hold on to your resolutions by simply using phone. His lips don’t tempt her, his touch doesn’t light her up, the scent of his skin doesn’t mess her up. She decided to distance herself to their relationship, cool down and analyze it calmly. That nightmare really scared the shit out of her. ‘You’ve killed me!’ He said, and those words haunted her.

    On one weekend, she shot them into a movie together with her brothers and Mel, and because the rest still had no idea what’s between them - Jay was afraid that Bryan might not get out of it in one piece, - he had to keep distance. In the movie, she managed to sit between Mel and Jess, so he even didn’t have a chance to hold her hand. Luckily, she had plans for another weekend as well. Mel was looking forward to their trip to Monterey. Sunny California in the middle of cold, freaking windy November seemed to be a wonderful dream, they had opportunity to put into practice.

    Jay was sitting in the living room, having a lively phone call with Bryan, when Mel came back home from shopping.

    - We’ve got everything we’ll need for the trip! – She was chirping from the threshold, but when she entered the living room she stumbled. – Ups! Sorry, I’m already gone! – She smiled, giving her friend a sign to keep charming her interlocutor.

    She didn’t leave the room however. No way! She didn’t want to miss a chance to get to know somewhat about Jay’s life. She had that feeling for some time, that her friend had finally found someone, but she remind silent and pretended that nothing was happening. ‘Hopeless case!’ She thought with a sigh and focused on eavesdropping. She tried hard to decode every single gesture and eye look of her friend.

    - My sister came back? – Though his voice sounded more affirmative, Jay decided to play.

    - Yeah, it’s Mel. – She smiled.

    - You’re spending the whole weekend with Mel, instead with me! – He said resentfully.

    - ‘Course, I’ll greet her! – Undaunted, she took the fun. – You’ve got greetings, Mel! – She said to the girl, who sat in the armchair and watched her friend with mischievous smile.

    - Stop it, Jay! – He was a bit little amused, but preferred not to risk anything coming out. The secret undoubtedly had its charm.

    - Mel also greets you. – She passed greetings expressed by Mel with a careless hand movement.

    - Okay, you wanted it! – He warned her. – I miss you. – He lowered his voice to a whisper. – I miss your smell, your touch. I want you, Jaysabel! – His voice was deep, slightly hoarse. And very sexy.

    - Don’t worry. – Her voice sounded uncertain. She had to swallow to find the right tone. – We won’t hang around the streets in the middle of the night!

    - I want to look into your eyes when they’re misty with arousal. – He continued, undefined. – I want to see them becoming dark, like rough ocean waves, when I take you. I want to see your unseeing look, when you fall into chasm.

    She felt she was hot immediately. Though she didn’t want to, she had to admit he had touched some dark cord of her soul. She didn’t realize that Bryan knew her so well, her every reaction, each single feeling. She even didn’t want to think, that it went so far. They were supposed not to involve! At least she made such a decision for them both.

    - It was unfair! – She said in a low whisper and hung up, terrified of her own reaction to his words.

    - What’s wrong? – Mel pulled away for a moment from her magazine, pages of which she was diverting automatically. – Troubles in paradise? – Her smile froze on her lips when she saw friend’s face. – Jay, what happened?! – There was panic in her voice now.

    - Nothing! – She needed to calm down. – I sometimes have this strange feeling that it’s happening too fast. – She said.

    She stood up and went to the kitchen. She knew Mel well enough to be sure that she would follow her. Jay took out two wine glasses from the cupboard. She opened the wine standing on the counter, poured half a glass for them and gave Mel one.

    - Are you going to say more?! – She hated pulling Jay’s tongue, but it usually ended like this.

    - I don’t want to become too engaged, - she explained – and I don’t want him to get into it too much. But I think that in his case it’s already too late. At first, I even didn’t want it. Then I decided to treat it as a kind of adventure. – She continued, gesturing and waving the glass. – For me, it was supposed to be a purely physical deal. You know, great sex. Just a good sex and nothing more! But on friendly terms of course. No romantic rapture and other shit like this. But it seems that he takes it seriously. Too seriously! – She ended in a whisper.

    - Is it bad? – Mel felt stab of jealousy. Here is her best friend, lamenting, that she met a guy who cares. And she’s just looking for that and can’t find it.

    - Mel, you know who I am! I even told you, who I want to be! For real, I’m not going to stop at becoming the hunter. And in assassin’s life, there’s no place for romance, not to mention a relationship! – She chuckled.

    - You haven’t told him. – This statement made Jay look down. – Why?

    - I don’t want to mix him up in this! – She said angrily. – I don’t want to hurt him! I don’t want him to look at me like as if I was some kind of freak! Or a monster! I just want to protect him against it.

    - Why? – Mel didn’t give up.

    - Because he means a lot to me! – Her anger was out of place. – Before we slept with each other, he was my friend. I’m afraid, that if I tell him, I’ll lose not only a boyfriend.

    Melanie saw in Jay’s eyes a real fear, which seized the heart. Jay was always strong and self-confident. She never cried. As least not because she felt confused, lost or powerless. On contrary. Jay was a real bad ass and rebel. But now it seemed that she didn’t know what to do and that made her feel weak. ‘And damn scared!’ Mel thought.

    She did the only thing that could help her friend. She hugged her, ensuring everything would be ok.

***

    They started off on Thursday after the classes. They had a long way to go, and they had planned to come back on Monday evening or night eventually. Mel was excited, Jay stayed focused. Mel was chattering joyfully all the time and singing with singers, whose songs sounded in the car. Jay was thinking about the family she was going to visit. After seven years she would scrape old wounds, evoke unpleasant memories and past experiences.

    Well, she also has gone through a lot. She lost her mother when she was twelve, and what’s more, she was the witness of her tragic death. For her it was extremely painful as well. Then why should she feel guilty? Especially, if she was trying to track down and catch the bad guys. And now she was doing it not only for herself and her brothers.

    For some period of time she blamed Isabo for everything. She couldn’t forgive her that she hid the truth about herself. About whom she was. What did she do. She hated her for not telling her children about their gift, abilities, duties. Though she managed to push away pain and bitterness after her loss, she wasn’t able to forget and didn’t forgive her mother.

    Only when she started dating Bryan, she realized that her anger was in fact caused by the emptiness in her heart left by Isabo. She protects him, just as her mother protected them. But she had serious doubts whether she was doing right. Does she really want to protect Bryan? Or maybe herself? What will happen if the truth comes out? What if Bry will hate her? Or if he won’t forgive her? Or if he won’t accept the facts? What if he’ll cut off from everything? From the past. From her.

    She shook her head rapidly. ‘It’s all over Jay!’ She thought. ‘He doesn’t belong to you! Just leave him! That’s the best thing you can do!’ She tried to convince herself. ‘Save him!’ She saw a flashback from her nightmare. She chased it away quickly and started to think about Sarah Thomson. About her cold voice, distant, almost repulsive.

    Wasn’t she doing the same? Hadn’t she tried to forget? Push memories to the farthest corner of her mind? To erase horrible images from memory? To discard her own identity? Didn’t she consider to resign from her gift? Didn’t she think of cutting herself from the past, present and future? Then why should she be surprised with reserve, the widow after Thomson showed her? By what right she wants to break into a quiet life of that woman? Why she demolishes what the second one built with such difficulty?

    At first, Sarah Thomson didn’t want to agree for a meeting at all. She tried to excuse herself by telling that she actually doesn’t know much about her husband’s death. That police didn’t tell her everything. But Jay knew better. It was the constant pain, lurking in her heart like a ghost under the bed, which made Sarah hesitate. No doubts she also wanted to protect her children. Maybe the widow indeed didn’t know everything, but they had to tell her something about her husband’s death. And another fact: the police didn’t investigate this case, but the FBI. Jay also found a record about PIT’s detective in papers, which meant, that Thomson’s death had to have supernatural character.

    Of course Jay understood the woman’s attitude. She also lost a person, who she loved with all her heat. Nothing was enough to sooth the pain, fill the void. The only thing she could count on was time. She had to believe, that time will bring relief, drowse the pain, allow wounds to heal. Jay had six brothers, whom she loved very much, and for them she held on. She even didn’t want to think that something might happen to them. Every time one of them was hurt, she felt as if she was collapsing. The worst nightmare was when they reanimated Mark. She had that feeling then as if she was drowning in darkness. She almost felt the breath of death on her back. Claws clenching at her heart.

    That’s why she decided not to let anyone else win her heart. Of course, there were also Maria and Sean. Mel also occupied special place in her life, but she wanted to stop there.

    But then Bryan appeared. (‘Here we go again!’ She thought and sighed with resignation) She even didn’t want to consider that she might fall in love with him. Or what’s worse, that he might fall in love with her. She didn’t want to hurt him. She didn’t want to break his heart or to make him suffer in any way. If only she would suffer the consequences of what happened between them – fine. She’d learnt to cope with her own pain. But she couldn’t bear the suffering of her loved ones.

    She felt sudden, sharp pain in her heart. She already knew that even if she won’t hurt Bryan, she wasn’t sure she would get out of it. ‘Things went too far.’ This thought made her feel cold.

    She glanced at Mel, sleeping in the passenger’s seat. She put a rolled cashmere sweater under her head and leaned against the window. ‘If she only knew!’ Jay thought. ‘She would tear me down into pieces!’ Such a perspective improved her humor a bit. Like Jay, also Mel stood firmly behind her siblings. Bryan was her only brother, and though caring for siblings is usually brothers’ job, Jay knew Mel would do everything to protect Bryan. At least, it was she who pulled Heather McArthur’s hair.

    At the same memory Jay smiled with pure satisfaction. She remembered as if it was yesterday. Fury in the eyes of her friend and that trollop’s screams. Jay herself was holding Tony Parker, Heather’s newest boyfriend, so he couldn’t help that floozy. And when Mel said what she had to say, and broke the girl every tips, Jay patted Parker on the cheek and said with sarcasm that he didn’t have to worry as Heather would had it off with him anyway.

    Jay yawned with a happy smile. It was four in the morning and they were still on the road. But she was too unsteady to fall asleep, and the beautiful November night allowed her to think freely.