Chapter 28

       She parked in front of Bryan’s house. But she couldn’t summon up her courage and get out of the car. About an hour has passed since she arrived and at least fifteen minutes since she stopped crying. She felt awful. She didn’t have such a clash with Jason ever before. She was aware that her brothers wouldn’t receive the news with enthusiasm, but still it hurt. She couldn’t accept Jason’s reaction, though she knew he was carrying for her and all words he spoke under the influence of emotions.

       She got out of the car and headed towards the front door. The house was quiet. There was no light in the windows. Only the windows in the living room were warm from the soft subdued glow. ‘Bryan likes to read in front of the fireplace.’ She thought, and strange warmth filled her heart. She raised her hand to knock and she stopped in mid-motion.

       She shouldn’t be here! Not in such a condition! She mustn’t push her problems on Bryan! She couldn’t get involved even more! She couldn’t allow Bryan to feel obliged to anything! It would be better for him if she just got out of his life forever!

       But how was she supposed to do it, if what she felt argued with her reason? Common sense required her to turn around and get away from here as fast as possible, before she will take it too far and her friendship with Bryan will be completely destroyed. Her heart, on the other hand, told her she should knock and get carried away with her newborn feelings. Could she make a good decision in the situation in which she found herself? Did she have any choice at all? Any lesser evil she should bet for?

       Tormented by dilemmas, she leaned her head against the door first, and then she hit with it into the smooth cold surface several times. She felt her throat squeezing again. She twisted around her own axis, clapped her back to the door frame and she slid down on it heavily. When she burst into uncontrollable tears, she pulled her legs under her chin and wrapped her arms around her knees.

       She even didn’t hear when the door behind her opened and Bryan appeared in the doorway.

       When he heard a strange rumble, he looked through the window. Seeing Jay’s car he decided to stay calm and treat her coolly. With a solid dose of reserve and icy indifference. She didn’t want to get involved? Fine! He doesn’t have to either! And for sure, he won’t allow her to deceive him! He was tired of her constant excuses and dodges! He’s going to tell her what he thinks of it, and then he will ask her to look for another sucker for those games!

       He opened the door slowly, determined to keep his promise and not to show how much he missed her. However, when a broken cry reached him, he panicked. He could felt his defense shield melt like an ice sheet in the spring sunshine. She looked so fragile. So delicate and helpless.

       He was immediately there. He crouched beside and touched her arm gently, afraid that she might fall apart in front of his eyes like a thin Chinese porcelain. She shuddered as if she was suddenly woken up from a deep dream. She stood up rapidly and faced him, whipping her face wet with tears. She seemed to be an extremely gentle and ethereal being, which can be easily harmed by even the lightest touch.

-       I’m sorry. – She said with a voice hoarse from crying. – I guess I knocked by accident. I didn’t want to disturb you. – She took a few steps back. – I shouldn’t have come! – She turned around and headed for her car.

-       Jay! – He said her name the moment he grabbed her arm.

       He turned her toward him and looked into her eyes filled with sadness. All his strong will vanished suddenly. There was only an irresistible desire to touch her. Comfort her. He took her into his arms and embraced her slender shoulders firmly. He felt her trembling from sobbing and coldness of the night. He kissed her forehead gently and plunged his hands into her silky smooth hair.

-       It’s okay now. – He whispered with his mouth by her ear. He pushed her away from him just enough to look into her turquoise eyes. – Let’s go inside.

       She let him lead her into the cozy living room and sit on the sofa in front of the fireplace. He walked to the drinks cupboard, poured brandy into two glasses, then handed her one of them and sat down next to her.

-       Drink it. – He said gently. – It’ll help you to warm up and calm down.

       She did what he asked her for. She hated brandy. To be honest, wine was the only alcohol she allowed herself to drink. She tried to avoid even beer. She only had weakness for ginger ale, but she drunk it rarely. But now she didn’t argue, though the dark liquor burned her throat and didn’t improve her mood at all. On the contrary. She felt even more confused and guilty. She focused on the crystal glass hoping she could avoid explanations and difficult conversation. 

       But it would be too easy.

-       And now tell me what happened. – He asked.

-       Nothing special. – She started slowly, thinking of the appropriate lie. – I don’t know what’s come over me. It’s probably hormones. – She gave him a pale smile, which didn’t reach her eyes.

-       Don’t try to fob off me! – He said hurt.

-       Bryan! – She started again, but he interrupted her.

-       Why you have such a problem with trust? – He was angry. He jumped off of the sofa and begun nervously circling the living room. – You don’t want to carry on this?! Fine! But just tell me about it, so I won’t delude myself! I don’t want to make an idiot of myself! And especially, I don’t want to impose on you when you don’t want it! – He seized with rage.

-       I’ve told them. – She whispered and Bry stopped abruptly and looked at Jay.

-       What? – He wasn’t sure if he heard well.

-       I’ve told my brothers about us. – Her voice was more and more controlled and clear. He was looking at her not knowing what to say. – I quarreled with Jess. – She laughed nervously.        

       He was stunned by this news. ‘Why did she do that?’ He thought frantically. ‘After all, she wanted to keep it secret. What made her change her mind?’ He didn’t delude himself that it would be forever. But he also didn’t think that Jay herself would reveal the truth to her brothers. He feared it, and now he could clearly see that he was right. On the other hand, he felt relieved that he would no longer have to hide. That he will be able to openly show Jay and the whole world what he feels for her.

-       I don’t know what to say. – He started slowly seeing that Jay didn’t look as if revealing the truth had brought her any relief. – After your condition I assume that they weren’t delighted with the news. – He couldn’t bear her suffer. – Jaysabel!

       That one word made her want to cry again. Her full name was usually used by teachers, when they wanted to give her reprimand or to suspend in the student’s rights. Maria used it together with her mentoring tone, Sean – when he wanted to set her upright. But in Bryan’s mouth her name was different. Soft and gentle. Natural.

       She suddenly realized why she told her brothers about Bryan. He was important for her and she counted on family approval. Meanwhile, she met with reproach and resentment, which led her to an outbreak of anger, quarrel with twin brother and finally to tears. She felt the fear gripping her heart. She was ready to fight for what appeared between her and Bryan. Even at the price of conflict with her brothers. And that could only mean one thing.

       She fell in love.

       She raised her huge eyes, glittering as plates of lakes, and looked gravely into his face.

-       I know that it was me who wanted to keep it secret. – She said. – That I didn’t want them to get to know. I was afraid of their reaction, and it seems, rightly. I’m still scared. I’m afraid that they may go too far and that they’ll do something to you. That I’ll never dare to be honest with them again. – She stopped for a while. She stood up and walked to the window.

       He waited for her to continue for an unbearably long moment. He sensed the worst. He imagined how she turned to him and indifferently told him that it was over. That she didn’t want their relationship to destroy her relations with siblings. He almost saw the emptiness in her eyes.

       He went toward her, as he couldn’t bear the uncertainty. The worst truth is better than the best lie, but prolonged waiting can be a real torture. He reached out and touched her arm gently. He felt her muscles tighten just to relax after a moment. He clung to her back and put his arms around her, dipping his face in her hair. He breathed in the aroma of vanilla and gentle scent of her skin. She didn’t try to move back and he appreciated that.

       She could feel warmth of his body. His breath on her skin. And she knew that she’s in the right place. She turned around slowly, trying not to slip out of his arms. He was more than a half foot taller, so to look into his eyes, she had to tilt her head high. His irises had an amazing amber color. She saw pain there. Sadness. But she wanted to see other feelings in his eyes. She climbed to her toes, took Bryan’s face in her hands and placed a gentle kiss on his lips.

-       I don’t regret. – She whispered with her lips at his mouth. – I’m still scared, but I don’t regret anything. – This time the kiss was deeper, and when she again looked into his eyes, what she saw there made her feel the rush of tenderness. – I couldn’t do otherwise.

       No other words could make him happier. He looked into her wonderful, turquoise eyes, whose color was still emphasized by the recent tears. He touched her pink cheek lightly, as if checking if she was close to him. As if he didn’t believe she’s real. He brushed an unruly lock off her forehead, without taking his eyes from her sight. He took her under her chin and stroked her lower lip with his thumb. He tried to remember every, even the smallest detail of her face, though that picture has already etched on his memory and heart long time ago.

       He leaned slowly to kiss her. Gently and tenderly. She clung to him as naturally as if she was doing it for ages. They fit together perfectly. This was her place. However, Bryan could sense a certain amount of despair in her movements. Her hands clenched at his shirt. Her breath was shallow, broken. And when he looked into her eyes again, while they were only few inches from his face, he could swear that he saw Jay’s soul there.

       She slowly relaxed her right fist and put her palm on his heart. The look of the turquoise lakes darkened. Now, in her eyes, he could see clearly all the feelings she was tormented by. But he focused on one of them. On the silent scream.

       On her desire.

       Suddenly, his hands were everywhere. They wandered around her face, neck. They sank in her hair. Jerking her clothes impatiently. Fighting with the buttons of her shirt and belt's buckle. He was mad, and she surrendered to him completely. His lips drank every, even the lightest sigh, that came out of her mouth. She lost herself in him. Allowed him to take everything she wanted to give him. And much more.

       At that moment, nothing else mattered. She forgot about her heritage and destiny. Her quarrel with brothers stopped counting. She had a feeling as if they were the only people in the universe. She craved for his touch and kisses just a he yearned for hers.

       The whole world became unimportant.