Chapter 1- Moving

Sitting at the same table she had eaten at since starting kindergarten, Elise felt like that same child but completely different at the same time. Even though she was eighteen and leaving for college, her mother would always see her as her ‘little girl’. Elise however, knew she hadn’t been a little girl since her father passed away when she was a tween. She had just finished the last lunch she would eat with her mother in a long time. Leaving was bittersweet. Elise’s mom had broached the subject of Elise’s ex-boyfriend again, and Elise reminded her mother again, that she was never attracted to any of the guys she had dated. In fact even though she could admit some men were attractive, Elise was never attracted to any male, ever.  Her mother was convinced Elise just hadn’t met ‘the right one’ yet, and would change her mind when she did. Looking down at the worn, checkered, yellow and grey linoleum, Elise spoke her mind.

“Mom, I don’t think you get it. I didn’t choose to be gay,” Elise said in a shaky voice as she held back tears. This was so hard for her to talk about, and her mom just didn’t want to believe it. Elise just could not meet Tamara’s eyes as they discussed this sensitive topic. Thank goodness their Lutheran Church no longer condemned people for who they loved or who they were attracted to. This was something Elise had struggled with throughout high school when she dated because it was expected, not because she wanted to, and never felt any emotions but shame and confusion.  

“Oh come on Elise. You’ve always had boyfriends, so don’t be so dramatic. You’re just confused!” Tamara exclaimed, as she wiped the table clean then walked back to the sink to rinse the rag.

“You act as though this is some phase I’m going through. I assure you, that isn’t the case,” Elise responds while wiping one stray tear from her cheek before her mom could notice it. Now is not the time to show weakness. Must be strong since I’m leaving for college. If I’m weak, she won’t support my departure.

Tamara turns back toward the table and really looks at her daughter. Elise’s long dark hair shimmers as the sunlight shines through the kitchen window. Dark brown eyes, surrounded by beautiful dark eyelashes, finally look up at her mother. Elise’s athletic, muscular frame is evident as she sits with her arms crossed over her ribs, leaning on the four person, oak table in front of her.  The expression on her face appears sad and serious, unlike most days when Elise had come home from school, work, or one of the many dates she went on with boys. Tamara didn’t understand why after high school graduation her daughter seemed to swear off boys and throw herself into working for the summer. Tamara figured she would try to lighten the mood, “Elise, many kids experiment when they go off to college. It’s a hard time, moving away from your family and all your friends. So go, sow your wild oats, but do so responsibly. I’m way too young to be a grandmother,” Tamara laughs as she says the last line. Elise’s face tightens as she grits her teeth. Instead of lightening the mood, all Tamara’s comment did was upset Elise further and prove just how little her mother understood what she was trying to tell her. She still doesn’t listen to a damn word I say. She thinks she knows me so well and that, 'I’ll come around', and 'find a nice boy to settle down with'. How can she worry about becoming a grandmother when I couldn’t even stand to do more than hold hands with Kenny? Why does she think I quit dating? Hell Kenny went around telling everyone I was 'a tease', or 'must be frigid since I’m not interested in sex'. Talk about mortified. 

“Well Mom, I need to get going to check into my dorm room yet today. Andrea is probably already there. I look forward to meeting my new roommate. Thank you for lunch.” Standing up and walking around the table as she spoke. Elise gave her mom a stiff hug and said, “Even though we don’t always see eye to eye, I love you. I hope Evie and Rett (Elise’s younger twin siblings) do well in junior high. Thanks for everything Mom.”

“I love you too El. The twins will miss you. I know it’s been hard since your father passed away. I’ve done my best, I hope you know that?” As Tamara ended her goodbye in a question, Elise straightened with her hands on her Mom’s upper arms, looked her Mom in the eye and nodded. Tears again threatened to fall, so instead of saying anything else, she bent down slightly and kissed her Mom on her cheek. Grabbing her truck keys off the hook behind the kitchen table, she walked down the short hall to the entryway, slipped on her grey Crocs, and walked out the front door. 

Once in her used 5 speed Toyota Tacoma, she focused on the two hour drive with her packed truck. Elise had everything packed the night before and was more than ready to leave the small town judgements and extreme conservative views behind. Elise was deep in thought and ready for her college adventure to begin. Nervous, yes, but so ready for a change. Maybe away from eyes that saw too much and judged everything, Elise could really be herself and stop pretending to be someone she is not.  Of course, it's pretty hard to hide from yourself!