Chapter 32

“Damn it, girl, tell me the truth!” He shouts in rage.

I scream back, fists clenched, tears close to falling. “Fine! Fine, you want the fucking truth? I’ll give it to you. I’m not a talnarin.” I blink in shock, my momentum halted. I hadn’t expected that to come out, not at all. Now it’s out and I can’t take it back.

I look at the now bewildered Malik. If it wasn’t so serious, I might have laughed. The same look sits on Zeke’s face too. I fucked up, bad. I brace myself for what’s to come. They both seem unable to form words, their mouths opening and closing repeatedly. I pinch my lips together tightly and beg the ground to swallow me whole. This couldn’t get any worse.

But it can and will get worse, because Malik’s found his words all too soon. “What the fuck are you talking about?” He pins me with the fiercest stare yet. This one has me wanting to run and scream for cover. It makes me want to cry more. I cringe, looking away, but he’s not having it.

Malik rushes at me and I squeak in fear. I blurt, “Everything.”

It works, he pauses inches from me, towering over my shaking frame. Zeke’s heat can be felt from my back now too. Shit. “It’s about everything. All of this is about not being talnarin and not being human.”

He gets in my face. “Stop talking in riddles before I decide you’re not worth my time.”

“Fine.” I scream. “Just step back. I need to breathe and you’re not helping.” I count my breaths in my head, hoping to calm myself down. It’s too much, all of it, I need to think and I need to breathe. They’re both terrifying me, and being in this place is too much.

Thankfully, Malik and Zeke still seem to be listening to reason. They both take a few steps back, not much, but enough to ease some of the panic.

As if some unseen being overtakes me, I begin to move. Slowly pacing back and forth, I’m vaguely aware of both talnarin’s eyes on me the entire time. I need to think about what I’ll say, and how much I’ll say. I don’t want them to know it all. I’m not even sure I can tell them any of it, the wounds are still too fresh.

Yet, I’m so tired of running and hiding. It’s exhausting having to constantly be on my guard and doubt everyone around me. I’m so weary and emotionally drained, keeping it bottled inside doesn’t seem to help either. Maybe talking to someone will ease my burden, even if only slightly. Perhaps confiding in another about what I’ve done will ease the guilt that’s constantly choking me. It’s as if a shadow haunts my every move. There’s always a heavy and dark feeling trailing after me, bringing me down. I don’t want to run from that shadow anymore. I don’t want to hide from my sins any longer.

Maybe telling the one talnarin who hates my entire existence is just the right person for the job. I don’t have to worry about the useless pity from him. I don’t have to worry about the useless attention and comfort. Perhaps he’ll just brush it off like I need him to. Perhaps he’ll blame me for it all like I need him too. Because now, there’s no one left to blame me for what I did to the ones I love. No one, but me.

Without warning, I turn and plop down in the dirt, giving my back to Malik and Zeke. I squeeze my legs into my chest and plant my chin on my knees.

My voice cracks so I clear my throat and try again. “Living in a tiny village is so suffocating, stifling, so to pass the time I’d read my books. They always made the adventures sound so liberating and great. So, I’d dream. I’d dream of a time where I could wander beyond the borders. I’d dream of a place far from home. I’d dream of a happiness I’d never find at home.

“I thought I’d see it all one day. I wanted to so badly. Then, I thought I could prove myself to the villagers and my family. If I just left home for two days and came back, everything would be so much better. The village would stop talking about Them. The village would stop talking of never leaving. I really thought I could change things, that I could change my life.

“I remember it so clearly, like it was just yesterday.” My mind slips back to the past as I envision it all. “It was a beautiful day in the village. The sun was shining, and there was a soft breeze that rustled the flowers littering the soft, green grass. Mintas made their way to the fields for the fresh vegetables, arcons pestered the bakers for scraps, and the povios buzzed about the grass in search of nectar. The sky seemed to be more blue than normal, with only a few white clouds to float in the sky. It was a warm day despite the time of year. Winter had just come to a close, but spring was so impatient, coming a little sooner than usual. I walked through the village, a soft song playing in my head. It spoke of new beginnings and happy times.” A slight smile graces my lips.

“I took it as sign that it was meant to be. A sign that everything would turn out okay in the end. Because the song was on repeat in my head for weeks. No matter how hard I tried, it was stuck. So, I embraced it. It made me hasty, or maybe that’s just what I tell myself. I started to plan my great adventure. A short one, just enough to show the Elders how wrong they were. I thought we would be safe.”

The smile slips from my lips as the words leave my mouth. “I waited for the sounds to fade and the fire to die. Once the house was asleep, I slipped away. I crossed the line they forbade us from crossing. It was liberating. The feeling didn’t last, though. Soon the lights came. The lights were so pretty, like lightning flashing in the sky. A stirring in my gut warned me away. I intended to abide by it, but They found me. I couldn’t escape, They were stronger than me. They did things I never thought were possible. They had abilities I didn’t understand.”

My breath catches ever so slightly. “They locked me in that small metal box where I couldn’t see the sun. Then, they would drag me to the other metal room. This one wasn’t empty, but I wish it had been. The metal bed was cold and hard. The beeping from the machines was irritating. They strapped me down and injected me with poison. At first, I felt nothing.” I inhale a shaky breath. “Then the agony came. It was like my insides were melting little by little.

“Screaming never helped. Neither did crying. I tried to beg, but They hit me. It went on and on. Time was a blur with no sun. It was always the same. Time in the little box and time on the table. Over and over again.” I breathe in a shaky breath. “Then He let me go.

“I was so stupid. I was so tired and hurt and I just wanted to go home.” Distantly I feel hot tears stream down my cheeks. “It was just a game, though. I see that now. I shouldn’t have gone home. If I didn’t, maybe it would have changed something. Maybe it wouldn’t have happened if I stayed away. But I went. I needed to. I saw them again. It felt strange at first, the hugs, but wonderful, too. It’d been so long since I saw them, since I touched them. Since I touched anyone. Their scent was so familiar once, and yet now I can’t recall what it was like.”

I run a hand through my hair. “It hadn’t mattered that the villagers feared me then. Because the ones I loved didn’t, they still held me and comforted me. That was all that was important. It didn’t matter that the others threw rocks at me. Because the ones I loved protected me. It didn’t matter that the others shunned me. Because the ones I loved still loved me.”

My voice cracks. “I was so stupid. So, fucking stupid. I really thought I was free. But They took them all away from me. Those bastards took the villagers. Everyone. Children, women, even babies. No one was spared. And so, I was back in my metal box. This time was different though. It wasn’t just about my survival. I had to protect them from the pain. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t even save myself. I was weak and powerless. I was pathetic. And I hate myself for it. If only I’d been stronger. Then things would have been different.” My voice deepens. “I still hear their screams that echoed inside my tiny box.

“My routine broke. They dragged me to the pit. The change terrified me. I knew it meant awful things were going to happen. But I didn’t understand then what was so wrong. But… I found out too soon.” I suck in a lungful of air.

“Monsters were tossed into the pit. They tore each other apart. They used their hands, their teeth, their fists. They used anything. It was gruesome. It was disturbing. It was terrifying and I had to watch. They made me see it all. Then They threw me in, too. I had wondered why these things seemed so familiar. The monsters wore the faces of those I’ve lived with since birth. The grotesque and broken monsters were friends and neighbors. They tore at me. I screamed. I hit. I cried. I saved myself. I killed them. I killed them all to save myself. To live another wretched day, I killed them.”

I hastily wipe the tears from my cheeks. “I did well. Or so They said. They had a reward for me. I got a treat. They brought me to four other small metal boxes. The first one held my brother. But he didn’t look right. Next was my father. Something was wrong with him too. Then came my mother. Same as the others. Last was my little sister. She looked worst of all. The loved ones I was supposed to protect were broken.” My voice cracks. “Something inside me broke then, too.

“I got sent to the pit, over and over again. Faces all familiar. I killed them, too. Then I’d get my reward. I hated my reward as much as I loved it. To see them alive kept me going, but to see them worsen each time broke me. Every visit meant they looked more monstrous. It terrified me.

“The time finally came. I knew it was coming but I feared it all the same. My family was thrown into the pit one by one, and I had to watch like it was a show. They tore into each other brutally. No recognition in their eyes, just hunger. I watched as my baby sister ripped apart my mother. I watched as my baby sister ripped apart my older brother. I watched as my baby sister ripped apart my father.” This time I don’t bother to wipe my tears.

“I’d sworn to protect her growing up, you know. She was the baby after all. Sensitive, like our mother. Kind and gentle. Still a kid with a full life to live. The one I swore to protect above all else is gone. And I killed her. They threw me in when it was obvious she was the last one standing. They expected me to end her. They expected me to kill her.” My voice breaks. “I couldn’t. I was broken. She tore my skin as I laid over the mangled bodies of my family. I chose to waste away with them. But They wouldn’t let me. I was too great a prize for Them. So He killed her. I can still see her head rolling into view.” My voice sounds dead and distant in my ears.

“I was distantly aware that I was back on the table. It was my punishment. They said I couldn’t kill the failure because I was weak. A failure myself. A failure that needed to be corrected. That’s what They called them you know. That’s what They called my family. That’s what they called my baby sister.” I feel the rage building under my skin as I rattle on. “It made me angry. It made me furious. I wanted to kill Them and I wanted Them to hurt. I wanted them to burn.”

The rage climbs to dangerous levels as I go on. “So, They did. I burned Them. One by one, they turned to ash and I enjoyed it. Watching them scream in agony was still not enough justice, so I burned the prison to the ground next. I was outnumbered, though. They hurt me and I ran. Not all of Them died that day. The one I wanted to kill the most survived, so I swore on that day I would kill Them all. Especially Him. I will torture Him slowly until his head rolls just like my sister’s did.”

In seconds, I’m on my feet and rushing at Malik. I note a look of surprise and if I’m not mistaken, pain, in his eyes. But I ignore it as I grab the front of his shirt in my fists and pull. I scream in his face. “You took that from me! You ruined everything! He was right there and you ruined it!”

Malik simply stands there and takes the verbal abuse I spit at him. So many emotions run across his face, far too quickly to decipher.

I roughly push him away, but he just remains still. It’s like pushing a boulder for fuck’s sake. I can’t stand it anymore. I turn around and march off into forest, but the two other talnarins now stand before me.

Not in the mood, I push at the nearest one harshly and snarl, “Move.” He doesn’t budge. Just as I’m about to scream profanities at him, he glances up and quickly moves aside. I don’t take the time to figure out what just happened. Instead, I stalk off and walk until I’m sure enough distance stands between me and the talnarins.

I draw to a sudden stop and plop down, back against a tree. I allow myself the time to come to grips with everything that just happened. He’s gone, and He said He’ll come for me soon. That thought terrifies me. Not to mention I froze like the coward I am as soon as I heard His voice. I couldn’t even think properly, it was like my mind just shut down in terror. I thought I’d improved, grown, gotten stronger. But I haven’t, not one bit.

I felt as powerless against Him today as I did when I was prisoner here. I trained so I could have a fighting chance against Him and it was useless. All of it was useless. Gambling my life on the hope those at Craforian wouldn’t kill me, gambling my life that Malik would let me live long enough to get here, and gambling my life that I could kill Him. Useless.

I didn’t stand a chance. I couldn’t call my fire, the thought never even crossed my mind. Instead I relapsed and fell right back into my memories, my fears. What was the point? What was the point of my journey in the first place? What was the point of training at Craforian? What was the point of running from there at the first sign of danger? What was the point of stringing Malik along on the possibility of revenge? What was the point in telling him everything?

Oh, shit. He knows everything. Malik knows I’m a fraud, a monster, a freak dressed like them. What am I supposed to do now? Where do I go from here? I don’t even know if I want to go on. Malik or Zeke will probably kill me now to ensure the safety of the talnarins. Perhaps they’ll let me live, locked away forever in some metal box. What kind of life is that? What kind of life do I even have now? Is fighting worth it anymore?

I thought this journey would help to get answers, but it’s left me with more questions than before. I had a purpose, something keeping me going, and now I have nothing. I don’t see where I can go from here. I’m drowning in my memories and my mistakes. You never realize how you good you could have it, until it’s gone with no hope of ever returning.

How I wish the Gods of this planet would return me to the moment I made that decision to leave. I would punch myself in the face for thinking such stupid things. But the Gods aren’t listening to me, they never have. How can I trust in these so called higher powers when they have done no favors for me in my lifetime? Rather, I’d say I’m cursed. Everything I do somehow backfires. If that’s not a curse, then I don’t know what is.

But, it’s not just about me anymore. It’s no longer just about my revenge. There’s so much more to it now, so much I didn’t see before. It’s all connected somehow, for some greater purpose, even He admitted it Himself. It isn’t just my village that’s been targeted by these evil talnarins. Who knows how many other groups of talnarin are out there, experimenting on innocent and unsuspecting humans? He said I wasn’t the only one. Maybe there are more ‘successful’ mutations like me. Maybe I’m not alone after all. If these other monsters like me need help, perhaps I can give it. They may be all alone and wandering these lands. There may even be some who haven’t gotten free yet.

What could Their reasoning be behind these awful experiments? What purpose? Why? What do they plan to do with the ‘successes’ once they’re done with their sick injections? What’s their end game?

And why were Malik and Him so surprised with each other? He looks the same as the rest of them. I’m missing something. Something doesn’t add up and I intend to find out what. Malik and his men know more than they’re letting on.

Whatever it is that they’re hiding, I intend to uncover it. They won’t be able to keep their secrets for long, I plan to attach myself to them like an extra limb. I will follow them wherever they plan to go until I get the answers I need.

I have a new mission, a new plan. My revenge seems insignificant compared to the grand scheme of His plot. I’m going to save other humans and talnarins from this fate. No one deserves this life, and I’ll make sure to stop these rogues as best as I can. If following Malik and his gang is what is takes, then I’ll do it.

I won’t let Him win, no matter what. I won’t let him kill us all.

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The story will continue in Spilt Secrets!

https://books2read.com/u/bP0p0l

Continue reading for a sneak peek at Chapter 1!

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