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Twenty six
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2020-10-08 19:54:36"What do you see when you dream?"
As random as the question was, those were the kind of things Sir. Dominic was fond of asking. He sat across the table, calmly scrutinizing me."I don't dream".
The expression that crossed his face was one I knew too well, I hardly got it but I'd always recognize it. Pity."You don't dream or you don't remember when you wake?"I shook my head."I don't dream. When I close my eyes to sleep, it's dark till I wake".He continued his scrutiny of my face."Has it always been like this?"
"No but I can't remember the last time I had a dream, maybe while I was still at Alade's house. I hear voices when I sleep but I don't see anything"."What do they say?""I don't know". His eyes told me he knew I was lying but the truth wasn't something I was ready to give.He wrote something down on his notebook."You are a light sleeper?" He asked, still scribbling.
"I think I am"."What do you want to be when you grow up?" He was looking at me again.What did I want to be when I grow up? I hadn't thought about it. I thought about a lot of things like how my mom was fairing, if my friends were okay, where my father was, how the world would be if there was no school, what would happen during the holidays, how I'd get my grades up but never really about what I'd do with good grades, what course I'd study in the university, if I'd go to the university or where I'd be in the next ten years. It had always been one day at a time for me.
"I don't know".
"You don't want to grow up?""I do but can't I decide when I'm grown?""What will you be doing until then? What drives you, Amanda? What keeps you from giving up?"That one wasn't too hard to answer."My friends, they look at me like I actually matter, they share their lives with me. My friends show me different reasons to smile everyday, they stand up for me when I can't stand up for myself. My biggest motivation has always been Alade, everytime I think of him I remember how much he loves me, he was so proud of me even when there was nothing to be proud of. Alade had big dreams for me, he believed I could be somebody".
"But you have no idea what you want to be".
I nodded and he smiled."I can't tell you what to be and you don't have to figure it out now but you need to know something. Nobody lives a happy life when their happiness is tied to other people. You have great friends but after Apex you don't know where life will take you all."You have to build a life for yourself that is based on and defined by you. You need to redefine yourself. So far, your life has been about the things that were done to you but this is the part where you reclaim it and make it about the things you'll do to move above it. You are bigger than circumstances, so much bigger".
I felt them roll down my cheeks, those things I hated to let out and I avoided Sir. Dom's eyes. I knew he could see them and he didn't seem to mind but I did and I wasn't going to let anyone see me cry so I stood to take my leave but he stopped me.
"You do matter, Amanda. Never forget that".My free period wasn't over yet so I hurried to the changing room and got into my sports wear. There was something about feeling the cool breeze on your face while your legs stretched to their limits, carrying you along with everything that made you, you and expelling everything else out into the wind. I ran to escape and today I needed to escape because even as Sir. Dom had knocked on all the right doors, I wasn't ready to open them but he had found them and it scared me, they were a part of myself I didn't want to revisit.
"Who are you contesting with?"
I hadn't been more frightened in my life. One second I was flying in the air and the next, I was landing on my palms."Shoot. Are you okay? I thought you heard me coming?" He crouched so he was staring at me with what looked like concern.I got myself to my feet and so did he."What the hell are you doing here, Marcel?"
"Running. It's P.E class?""P.E class?" I looked to the sidelines and our classmates were there, gathered in groups, chatting.I had ran through my free period and the break time. I turned to see Marcel looking me over."How long have you been out here?"
"Free period?""Wow, didn't know you were interested in suicide". He flashed me a smile that irritated me and I resumed running, much slower this time."Wait". He caught up."Go away, Marcel"."Mr. Dan is in one of his moods, that means no supervision and I really feel like running".I jogged to a stop and began walking out of the field but he placed himself in my way.
"What do you want? Really. Why won't you leave me alone?""I want to be friends"."Do you want to be friends or do you feel we need to be friends for our parents?""Both. If they are going to work out, we have to form some sort of friendship but I really want to know you better"."You know where I sleep, you know what I eat, you know everything I do in class because you sit right next to me, you know what my morning breath smells like, what more is there to know?"
I could see this was frustrating for him but he wouldn't be Marcel without the stubbornness that flashed in his eyes."I thought we were off to a good start, the holidays..."
"Was only an escape from what we really are. Our actual start was crap, we are the farthest thing from friends"."Okay, maybe I wasn't nice to you"."Maybe?" He swallowed"I definitely wasn't nice to you, not sure I am to anyone and I'm sorry".He saw the look of surprise on my face.
"I am sorry. I shouldn't have made you my business and I'm sorry for making things worse for you".I had been charged and pissed, he hadn't caught me at a good moment but I could feel myself deflating, I was drained.I took a deep breath.Forgive, have an open mind and live.
"Okay".
He bared his broken tooth to me."Good. So, clean slate?""Clean slate but you are sweeping the living room throughout the next holidays"."You mom won't allow it".I crossed my hands under my chest."I will just tell your dad you called me a witch"."Jesus, fine. Deal".My evil laugh was going off in my head.
***
The lights were out but the reading lamp on our desk was on. Henrietta was rubbing her eyes with one hand and feverishly scribbling on a foolscap sheet with the other."Hey". She jumped at the sound of my voice but relaxed when she saw it was me."Jesus, Amanda. You do realize it's nighted right?" I rose from where I was sleeping on Abike's bed and stretched.
"Yeah, I need to pee. What are you doing?""Writing my psyche paper"."I thought you finished it before lights out"."I didn't". She said sharply. I knew she was lying but I was too pressed to call her out.She didn't seem to notice me when I got out of the bathroom. Looking over her shoulder, I could see she was writing the Psychology paper that was due the next day but as I moved to return to bed my eyes flew to the top margin.
"Seriously, Henrietta". She froze, squeezing her eyes shut and letting out a deep breath."Amanda..."
"Why are you writing Christopher Lawal's paper?"Her mouth hung open as she struggled to find words to defend herself with."Because he is my friend, I help you with your assignment sometimes"."Yes, you help explain some things, you don't stay up at night working on my paper while I enjoy my beauty sleep"."He's not sleeping okay? He has another assignment?" She swiftly defended him.
"Which assignment? I'm in his class Hen, if he had an assignment, so would I".She turned the chair around to face me."Why do you always do this, Mandy?"
"Do what?""Subtly try to make Chris look like a bad person"."That's not what I'm doing, I just don't think you should be doing his work for him"."Why not? He's my boyfriend"."What's going on?" Vivian groggily asked from her top bunk while I tried to process what Hen said last.
"Boyfriend"."Yes". She gave me a challenging look."Who knows that he's your boyfriend?""Everyone". She boasted and Vivian groaned."Chris that keeps denying..." Vivian started but I gave her a pleading look that shut her up. Henrietta was ready to damn our friendship if anyone said anything she wouldn't dare believe.
"Alright. Don't stay awake for too long, if you don't finish it tonight you can do it early tomorrow morning".She was taken aback by my comment. I knew I had to show her who Chris really was but I didn't want to lose her in the process.
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