Prologue

I love you.

Words that will end the world if spoken.

My hand reaches my belly. My chill fingertips run over it. Gentle strokes.

Snapshots of the future fill my mind.

A beautiful future.

I stand still, my eyes following her steps, I watch her every move. My everything belongs to her.

She carries my joy, it is my joy to carry her.

Her tiny little feet are placed upon this earth, the wet grass under her feet tickles her, she has a delightful giggle, there is a twinkle in her eyes, her brain sparks of curiosity, she experiences the full beauty of this world, she is the full beauty of my existence. There is no one that can equal to her beauty. Words cannot express the joy of the new life that she has led me into.

My eyes stay with her, my mind remains in the most calming state there is, her fingertips reach up to stroke over a butterfly's wings. It gets scared, flies away, but her eyes remain full of love. Are her eyes still that way, now that I have left her?

Her first walk, her first giggle, her first word, her first day of school, the first twinkle in her eyes.

That is love, right?

It is as if she is in love with the world itself, and I pray for life to nurture her in ways that'll let her keep this treasure, keep her in the way that she was born in. 

She reinvented the world for me.

I want to learn from her, I want to learn from her how to be happy again. I want to see the world through her eyes.

I will get better for you. I will get better for you. I promise.

That is love.

The kind that would move heaven and earth for her only to hear that delightful giggle once. 

The kind that would give up life. 

The kind where I'd rather live on my knees than to die on my feet because a child needs their mother alive.

Nightmare.

That is what they call it.

But how call it a nightmare if it does not end when I am awoken?

Some say she is too painful to remember, I say she is too precious to forget.

She filled my heart, though I had never known how empty it truly was. 

There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes home.

I hear her voice, trembling, don't leave me alone.

I love you.

Words that will end the world if spoken.

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Perspective of a young woman that lost her child due to severe Bulimia. Women with past Bulimia or a long history of eating disorders have a higher rate of miscarriage, premature delivery and/or other birth complications. 

References; https://www.thecut.com/article/7-women-on-what-a-miscarriage-feels-like.html, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QaJi0bKOlpg, https://www.whattoexpect.com/pregnancy/pregnancy-loss/miscarriage-quotes