THIRTY

Carrying someone the size of Joel was no easy feat for Cain, especially since Abby's body was a lot smaller than his own. He had managed to carry Abby halfway up the staircase but it was then that she started kicking him and telling him to let her go. His back had already been hurting from all the weight it was carrying but her kicking only made it worse since he had to bend down even more just to avoid her kicks. He was near the top when he could no longer carry her. Had it not been for Abel that was there to catch them, they would have most likely fallen down the stairs and because of that Cain felt grateful.

"How much did she drink?"

Abel who had been staring out the window all night had seen when two figures came out of a taxi. As soon as he realized that it was Abby and Cain, he hurried down the stairs with a blanket in hand.

"3 cans of soju and 3 shots of tequila."

Covering Abby with the blanket, Abel grabbed onto her and placed her on his back.

"Well I don't know how good Joel's body is with handling tequila but I do know he's usually good with drinking soju."

Joel being the oldest had the most experience with drinking, he always ended up beating all of the members when it came to how many cans of soju it took to get drunk so his tolerance was good. Not only did his age and experience account for it but he was also the most built out of them all. Considering how he would spend hours just lifting weights, it came to no surprise.

"Tequila is stronger. And as you can see, she is drunk."

Although no longer carrying her, Cain still had a hold on Abby who seemed to want to get down from Abel's back as she was squirming and even kicking.

"Don't worry. I got her."

Lifting her higher on his back, Abel went on ahead to take the few steps that were left to reach their dorms.

"Wait. Before you go, I have to ask you something."

Abby not having answered Cain's question earlier on that night still had him curious to know if what she had said at her apartment was true.

"Go ahead."

"Are Abby and Joel dating?"

"Where did you get that crazy idea from?"

"Abby said so herself."

"Did she say this while she was drunk or did she say it while she was sober?"

It made a difference after all as it is usually said that people tell truths when they are drunk.

"Sober."

"Then I would say she was lying."

Abel said it with such certainty although he didn't really know. He had seen the two getting along well that morning but for them to start dating out of nowhere just didn't seem like something either of them would do, even if Joel had somewhat flirted with Abby on more than one occasion. Their leader was just too responsible to do something that was not yet allowed for them to do. And then there was the fact that Abby seemed so adamant on not dating.

"Please take care of her."

They were Cain's last words as he parted.

Just like he had been asked to do, Abel stayed by Abby's bedside until she was able to fall asleep that night. He had laid her down in their room but with Joel's body while Joel slept in his own room but in Abby's body. He however did not know when the body changing was going to occur and that meant that Abby was most likely going to wake up confused, it was why he had woken up earlier than usual that morning. He wanted to be there for her when she woke up.

With a bowl of soup in hand, Abel walked into the room that was shared by three of his group members. Not knowing if it was going to be Abby or Joel to wake up with a hangover, he had prepared a second bowl and left it in his room for Joel when he woke up. But just in case if it was going to be Abby that was going to need the soup, he had prepared and cooked everything in a cleaner than usual manner. 

Knowing that she didn't like eating food made by others, the first thing Abel had done was wash his hands with lots of soap and hot water, not only that but he had also put on hand sanitizer afterwards. To make sure that he wasn't going to end up needing to touch anything while cooking, he took out all of the ingredients ahead of time and opened up all of the containers. And just like he washed his hands, he washed each and every one of the ingredients along with the utensils.

"Dude what are you doing in our room so early in the morning? And why is Cain sleeping on Joel's bed?"

Seth having woken up saw as Abel sat on the floor of the room.

"Just here to take care of my roommate. He came in here by mistake since he was drunk so Joel had to sleep in his bed instead."

It was what him and Joel had decided on telling the members if they asked about the sudden switch of beds.

"And you even made him hangover soup?"

"Yeah…"

Not knowing what else to say, Abel scratched the back of his head.

"I know Cain has a pretty face and all but he's not a girl, y'know?"

"Huh?"

"Both you and Joel have been acting differently towards Cain, it makes me wonder why."

Seth's words ended up hitting Abel like a ton of bricks. Something he hadn't realized was how apparent his actions towards "Cain" might have seemed to the other members. It wasn't that he cared so much if they thought wrongly of him but Abby had been trying so hard to keep up appearances. And if the other members of Adam hadn't yet noticed a change in their main dancer, there was still the possibility of the members having noticed a difference in him. It was something he had to be more careful about and not only him but he was going to have to warn Joel as well.

"Huh? What am I doing here?"

Looking around at her surroundings, Abby recognized the familiar room. And noticing that she was in the same bed as the previous morning made her come to one conclusion, she and Joel hadn't switched back. Freaking out she started touching herself, face, arms, abs, legs.

"Cain! How are you feeling? I made some hangover soup, here."

Having noticed Abby's reaction, Abel made sure to yell out Cain's name before she ended up saying anything. Pointing at herself with one hand and reaching out for the bowl of soup with the other, Abby gave him a questioning look. He nodded back in response. Sighing in relief she took hold of the bowl and got up to walk to their room with Abel following behind.

"I'm not actually hungover so I don't know why you made me this soup. Did Joel perhaps get drunk while he was in my body?"

She didn't have a headache or nausea and neither felt thirsty or dizzy. Those were usually symptoms she got the morning after having gotten drunk. However she did feel a bit confused and almost like there was a part of the previous night that she didn't remember.

"Nope. It was actually you that drank while you were in his body so considering how you're not hungover…"

Abel pointed to where Joel was lying down. 

"Oh no! Poor Joel!"

"Ugh. Why is it so loud? And the light, why is it so bright in here?"

Putting an arm over his eyes, Joel tried to sit up but feeling dizzy ended up plopping back onto the bed. Running to his side, Abby tried to sit him up as gently as she could.

"Omg. I am SO sorry. And last night…"

She had forgotten what had happened while she was drunk but was able to remember telling her parents about her and Joel dating. Remembering such a thing only made her feel more sorry and she ended up bowing in front of Joel.

"Hey, there's no need for that. It's not a big deal. I'll be fine in a few hours. Besides, we're friends and it's what friends are for."

"Oh really? Friends? JUST FRIENDS? Because according to Abby--"

"Shut up Abel!"

Realizing what Abel was about to say, Abby ran over to him to put her hand over his mouth.

"This is something I have to tell him myself."

Telling Joel such a thing was embarrassing but she knew she had to and it was better if he heard it from her than from someone else. Having grabbed the bowl of hangover soup and a new water bottle from the mini fridge in their room, Abby once again went over to Joel's side.

"Here. Drink some water first and eat some soup. I'll tell you once you're done eating. And Abel, I would like to talk to you about something."

It was something Abby had been thinking about for days. But not being sure if it was even something possible to do, she hadn't known how to bring it up. However, having noticed that her feelings had grown stronger, she could no longer sit back and do nothing. She wanted to run away from those feelings anyway she could. Sharing a room with the one that was causing those feelings only made things harder. It was why she came to the conclusion that physical distance would be needed in order for those feelings to go away.

"Yea. What is it?"

Abel noticed the tense atmosphere and it made him nervous.

"I want to switch rooms."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't care if I have to share a room with two others but I just can't be your roommate anymore."

"Wh-why not? Did I do something wrong? If I did then I'm sorry."

The only logical explanation he could come up with for Abby no longer wanting to share a room with him was that he had done something wrong.

"No. Please don't think that way. You have done nothing wrong. I just...I need space."

The last thing she wanted was for him to blame himself. It was really her fault after all. If only she could be true to her feelings like Abel was to his then there would be no problem. Had Abby not experienced what she did in the past, things would have most likely been different.

"Fine. I understand. But you're not moving out, I am. Joel, could you perhaps switch rooms with me?"

He figured that if she needed space it was because he had been too clingy. Abby didn't want him to blame himself but he did so it only made sense to him if he were the one to change rooms and not her. Abel also knew how hard it was for Abby to be around others and Joel being the only other member there that knew about her was the best roommate she could have. Not only that but they got along well. It made Abel think that perhaps it was Joel that was meant for Abby and not him like he had originally thought.

"Well I would hate to get in the middle of a lovers quarrel but if it's something she really wants then sure, I'll be her roommate. So now that I'm done eating my soup, what was it that you wanted to tell me Abby? Or was this what you wanted to tell me? About the room change?"

"First of all Abel and I are not lovers so obviously this is not a lovers quarrel. Secondly, I uhh...The thing I wanted to tell you was that...Ugh. Please don't take this the wrong way, I just had no other choice at the moment--"

It seemed to her that Joel was the kind to take things the wrong way just like he had when she asked him if he could go to her apartment. Because of this she felt like she needed to clarify herself.

"Oh really? No other choice? So when you think of the word boyfriend the only one that comes to mind is Joel?"

Having wanted to know more about why Abby had said that Joel was her boyfriend, Abel had texted Cain earlier that morning to ask him. He told him about the situation they were in, about her ex boyfriend proposing marriage and how Abby had suddenly at that moment said that Joel was her boyfriend. It made Abel jealous to think that she would rather call a guy that barely knew who she was her boyfriend than him who liked her and had known about her longer.

"You have to understand that at the moment I was in Joel's body. So it's not like he's the first one that comes to mind when I think of that word. Because had I been any other member at the time like say Lucas, I would have just said that he was my boyfriend."

"Right. Bring Lucas up instead of me. The guy doesn't even know who you are."

Abel's jealousy was becoming more and more apparent each time.

"It was only an example, Abel! And please don't make me any more mad than I already am. I told you that I wanted to tell him this myself!"

"And you said this wasn't a lovers quarrel."

Joel still not knowing what exactly they were talking about did know one thing and that was that not only did Abel like Abby but she did too. It hadn't been obvious to him before because he had thought of Cain as Cain but knowing that it was really Abby, he started noticing things. One of those things that he noticed was the way Abby looked at Abel, she looked at him just the way Abel looked at her.

"This isn't a lovers quarrel!"

Both Abby and Abel ended up yelling at the same time.

"See. You two are even in sync. So if you two aren't lovers, why aren't you?"

It was a question both of them had asked themselves but knew the answer to.

"It's none of your business Joel. Just start packing your stuff while I'll pack mine."

Their rooms were only a few feet away from each other and they didn't have many things of their own to move but wanting to keep himself busy, Abel started to put his stuff in plastic bags and boxes. Joel took it as a sign that he had overstepped his boundaries and left.

"You really don't have to. I really am okay with moving."

Since it was something she had wanted, it felt wrong to her for him to have to be the one to move.

"I know but I wanted to. And I'm sorry for having said those things right now. Are we still friends?"

"Of course."

It was what she had wanted him to be after all, a friend. For that was the only kind of relationship she could handle at the moment.

"And as Joel said, friends help each other out so let me help you."

Abby started grabbing as many things as she could that she recognized as Abel's and started putting them in plastic bags and boxes. With the two doing so, they were able to finish in no time. But seeing how the room no longer had any of Abel's stuff made Abby feel somewhat sad. He was her sunshine after all, the one that brightened up her days. Without him around, her days weren't going to be as happy. Abby hadn't really wanted to have to go to such measures but it was what needed to be done for both her and him.

Not being able to properly explain how she was feeling aloud, the only thing she could do was write a letter for him and put it in one of the boxes that held his things.

***Since I can't yet call you the words in English because I am not ready for such feelings, I'll call you my rayito de sol. It's Spanish for ray of sunshine. Because even though you sometimes irritate me, it is more times that you cause me to smile so for that I thank you. I almost thought that I had forgotten how to smile yet you have shown me that I am still capable of doing so. And I want you to know that just like I don't want to end up being hurt, I don't want you to end up being hurt either. So me wanting this distance is really just my way of protecting us both from all that possible pain that comes with such feelings. I hope you understand.***

While helping Abel put his stuff away, Eli had found Abby's letter. It didn't have a name on it but he immediately recognized the handwriting as Cain's. Having seen when Joel had started packing his stuff, Eli had asked him why he was suddenly changing rooms. Joel had responded to him by saying that he needed a quieter space to compose songs but he had not believed such a reason. It had only been months since all of the group members had pitched in some money to buy their leader noise cancelling headphones so that he could work on writing their songs. 

Reading the last lines of the letter however made Eli realize the real reason for the sudden room change. His conclusion was however not fully correct as he thought that two of his group members had romantic feelings for one another. And feeling like he had just read something private, Eli placed the letter inside the drawer of the nightstand that was to be Abel's.

Meanwhile, a few doors over Abby was helping Joel with his things. The atmosphere was however awkward as Abby felt ashamed for both having gotten drunk while in Joel's body and for using him to lie. She wanted to apologize to him once again and explain things.

"I'm sorry once again, not only for putting you in the state that you are in now but also for having used you to lie. I know there is no excuse for what I did. And if I can make it up to you somehow…"

"You can, with a date."

"Huh?"

Surprised by such a response, Abby dropped the box of things she was holding. It was a box with notebooks, one particular notebook fell open that caught her attention. It was lyrics to a song. Joel having seen what it was rushed over to pick it up at the same time that Abby bent down and they ended up bumping heads while both having a hold on the notebook.

"Sorry. I shouldn't have rushed over like that. It's just that it's a song I'm working on. I originally wrote it for this comeback but EVE didn't like it and it was cut from the album. I was told I had to rewrite it if I wanted it to be in our next album."

"Why didn't he like it?"

"He's usually picky and tends to want our songs to match the group's youthful image. Apparently to him the song just sounds too experienced."

Taking back his notebook, Joel closed it and placed it under his bed.

Feeling curious, Abby decided to make Joel an offer. Just by the looks of it, she could tell that the song meant a lot to him but if she wanted him to open up to her then she too would have to open up.

"I'll make you a deal. Earlier you wanted to know why Abel and I weren't lovers and I'll tell you if you tell me what that song is about. Perhaps I could even help you out as I too have written songs in the past."

It wasn't an easy thing for her to talk about but she already felt like she and Joel could become good friends. He also had an aura that made her believe she could trust him. She had seen how reliable he was as a leader.

"Sounds like a fair deal. I'll go first. The song is about sacrificing and love as the two things go hand in hand. You cannot sacrifice without there being any love and you cannot love without there being any sacrifice...It is about weighing the importance of things and prioritizing the one you love over your own happiness. I wrote the song from my own experience…"

Joel having paused to take a sigh made Abby realize that just like what she was going to tell him was going to be hard for her, it was also hard for him.

"Five years prior to debuting in Adam when I was 16, EVE planned on debuting me with 7Guys. I was to be their maknae. But just three months before the debut date, I received a call from Australia...My mom had been sick and was in the hospital…They found out that she had Pancreatic Cancer. It was somewhat advanced and the most they said she was going to live was three years…"

"I'm so sorry. You don't have to go on if you don't want to. I understand that it's a hard thing to talk about."

Feeling bad that she made him talk about such a thing, Abby went over to where Joel was sitting on his bed and patted him on the back. She wished she could hug him but the most she could do was that small gesture and even that had been hard enough for her.

"It's okay. It's good to let these kinds of things out sometimes, better than keeping it all inside. My mom might have not been as lucky but I was because as you can see, I'm here. My dream has been fulfilled and that was my mom's last wish to me. She wanted me to go on to become an artist. And I say that I was lucky because not only was I given a second chance but even a third."

"What do you mean?"

"Two years after my mom was diagnosed, I was offered to debut with 6Days but as you can already guess, I turned down that offer. I wanted to be by my mom's side for as long as I could. And I'm glad that I refused that offer because only 6 months after my mom passed away. It wasn't even the three years that the doctors said she was going to live but only two and a half."

It was the first time Joel had ever told anyone about such a thing. None of the members even knew about him having been a trainee before his mom had died, they didn't know that sad part of his past. The only thing they knew was that his mom had died. They even thought that he had been lucky to have been able to debut in the shortest time. He had only trained with them for 6 months after all while they had all trained together for over two years. But in reality he had trained a lot longer.

"EVE is stupid for having said that your song is too experienced. You had to go through all this 8 years ago when you were only 16 and stuff like this can happen to anyone at any age. There is no such thing as too experienced when it comes to things in life. Your story is actually very touching and I'm sure your song is too."

Abby had felt like at times she was the only one that had gone through hardships although she knew that wasn't really true. And hearing such a story from someone that looked to be happy and like he had it all surprised her. She would have never imagined Joel to have such a past. It just showed that people aren't always as they appear and that no one has a life without hardships no matter how well they seemed to be doing. Behind a smile there was always a dark past.

"Thanks. Although I had to make a lot of changes to it so it's no longer really as touching as you would think. I basically had to change it so that it's a song about a boy that loses his favorite toy, a present that was given to him by his mom."

"Wow. That does sound like a big change. I'm sure it's still good though just like every other song you write. And hey, you could still sing the original song and upload it on Soundcloud. I bet EVE will regret not letting you have that song in the album once he sees all the praise your song gets."

"I was actually thinking about doing that but I wasn't sure if people would like it. Would it be okay if I were to sing it to you? You know cuz you're a fan...if you end up liking the song it'll mean that other Ebenezers will too."

"Of course! You don't even have to ask that. It'll be an honor just to be able to hear it before other Ebenezers!"

Having finished singing the song and then uploading it on Soundcloud, Abby went on to tell Joel about her past with Jun. Having felt like he had opened up a lot to her, she decided to even tell him about the accident and how it ended up affecting her. It was really only things she had told her psychologist but just like Joel had said, it helped a lot to let things out. Just by sharing such things with him felt like there was a huge load off her.

"I understand now why you might not want to accept such feelings. Because I can tell that you like Abel. And having lost someone that I loved, even though that person wasn't a romantic kind of love but my mom. I can tell you one thing and that is that you'll only end up regretting not telling that person that you loved them. Luckily I was given that chance with my mom since I knew my time with her was limited but I do regret not having been there for her even before she was diagnosed. Had I been there with her before, it would have given me more chances to tell her and show her how much I loved her."

"I'm not sure if what I feel for Abel is love though. I mean...I do know that I like him and that my feelings for him are getting stronger but…"

She didn't think there was any way to categorize her feelings into a single emotion because it really felt like several emotions bunched up together. Anxiety, shame, confusion, frustration, insecurity, nervousness and fear were all things Abby was feeling amongst that premature feeling of love.

"I can tell that it's hard enough to just admit that you like him. And it's why you told him you needed space, because you wanted to avoid your feelings from turning into something more like love. I know that you are trying to avoid getting hurt just like you are trying to avoid getting Abel hurt but you're already doing that."

"How so?"

"Well it's a different kind of hurt but it's still hurting both of you. Because what you are doing is basically denying both your happiness and his. You may think that love can only bring pain as that is what you have experienced in the past. And it's true that love can hurt but it can also bring happiness. It is a risk so ask yourself if it's a risk worth taking. Consider how much you like him and how much you wish for that happiness. Do your feelings and desire for that happiness outweigh your desire to avoid pain?"

Every one of Joel's words to her made Abby reflect and she realized that he was right, in everything.

"Ugh. I hate to admit it but you're right. It's still something I have to think about though as it really is no easy thing to decide on. Anyways, if you knew that I like Abel and that he likes me, why did you ask me for a date?"

"Ah. That. Don't worry, it wasn't an actual date I was looking for, just a friendly kind of date. You said if there was any way to make it up to me and there is. Do you remember telling me that you would make me salmon with gochujang next week? How about tonight? I'm really craving it and I already bought the ingredients last night."