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Chapter Three
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2020-10-26 13:32:38How I met Kemi was quite very funny. We just resumed a new session and Benita and I had been having some issues. She is this type of girl who doesn't want me with friends. I mean, even for the fact that we are dating does not mean I cannot hug other girls on campus. I mean, literally, I am not an imbecile who wouldn't pee unless he is permitted to. Asin, no be say becos we dey do dating-dating, I no fit make friends with anyone again. I mean, if we dating, I can still visit other people right? Yes! And this is where Benita got it wrong and me I no get time and as you can see, I have japa! I needed a new bae wey go dey reason me well. So I message Japheth my partner in crime.
"How far bobo, your guy don gentle o, Benita don enter recycling bin. Any girl for your boy?"
"I no get o. but this one bae dey my contact list her name na Kemi. Na my department she dey. I be wan do her before but she no dey gree give me eye. Make I throw you?"
"No lele na. throw me abeg". And that was how I got Kemi's number. I immediately put a call through to her.
"Hello kemi, how are you?"
"I am fine. Who am I speaking with?"
"ahah, don't tell me you didn't save my contact."
"am sorry, I don't know who this is."
"ah, okay o. this is Funky, you gave me your number sometime ago last session around Aluta market. I promise to give you a call but my phone got spoilt that is why I didn't put a call through all these while. I am disappointed you do not remember me."
"Am sorry, I really don't.."
"Don't worry. Is this your whatsApp line, I will like to text with you after I end this call."
"Yes! It is. "
"Okay, are you busy at the moment?"
"No, not really..."
"Okay, I was hoping that we could meet up."
"Okay, where?"
"If you wouldn't mind, I would like for you to come to my place."
"Okay, when?"
"Well... since you said you are not quite busy at the moment, would coming right now be a good idea?"
"Okay, how do I get to your place?"
"Just pick a bike and say you are going to permanent site. Drop at amblone pure waters. When you get there call me I will come pick you up."
Is it that this girl is lonely and has been wanting a boyfriend all along? She seems easy. Chai. Well... make we see how she go be.
It wasn't long kemi called me she is already at amblone and that I should come pick her up. I run like goat wey dem dey chase and when I was getting close to amblone, I slowed down and rest for all my sweat to disappear. But wait o, if the girl no fine nko? She no kuku sabi my face, na to just turn back sharperly.
"Hello...am I here na."
"I am almost there. Wait pls."
I couldn't delete the thought that this girl will not be my taste. So, I hide beside a kiosk close to amblone then dialed her number and lied that I was at amblone main gate and I can't find her.
"Hello, where u dey na? I dey amblone gangan I no see you."
"I am here naw, I am putting on a black top and a green skirt."
Emi ika. Na weytin I wan hear be that. I just long neck my head and begin dey shake ham like agama lizard and in same way, I come dey begin roll my eye like say e be CCTV camera. Chai, I swear down this girl ugly. She be like tilapia fish wey dey claim Titus. Her shortness be like devil wey miss road. Her skirt self wey tailor tear for front wey suppose be fashion be like aso werey wey no get hope. Ah! Japheth, na Ogun go kill you. I be wan turn back mah dey go house but, she came all the way to permanent site na. mah no waste the money. So, I came out of my hiding and walked up to her sha.
"I thought you said you are already at amblone, where are you coming out from?"
"Don't mind me jor. I quickly go pee ni. Wait! Let me get something from amblone. Just give me 5min."
I went to ambone to buy yogurt 200naira and one gala and led the way to my place. On getting to my place, I opened the door and ushered her in. she sat on the chair and began looking around.
"So, this is your cabal?" I kept looking at her but smiling. If only she knows weytin I dey think ---huhuh... na road we still dey. Her ugliness dey vex me.
"Yes o, this is my cabal. You are as beautiful as your name." I said laughing in contempt.
"hmmm... thank you o"
ah! What's this one feeling like? I dey cook lie for you, you dey chop ham. Mtchew. I sat on the bed without saying a word
"kemi, I forgot that I have to be in church this evening and its important that I go. Please no vex. Since you have known this place, we can always see later right?
"Okay... are you going now?"
"Yes, right away."
"Okay" I walked her out and placed her on a bike promising to call her.
Promise kor, cromise ni. I picked my phone and called Japheth at once.
"werey, na Ogun go kill you o" he started to laugh like he knew what he had done.
"you like the girl abi?"
"You mad, so you play me abi?'
"Na confirm bae o" he said laughing so hard
"Make I no see you again o"
I hung up the call. Thinking about the money I wasted. Asin the 200 naira can buy suya for school gate make I use ham drink garri. if I curse Japheth e go catch ham. This guy play me sha.
Glossary
Asin– As in
Dating–dating– Date
I no fit– I no fit
Japa– gone
Wey– who
Go dey– will
How far– how are you?
Bobo– Guy
I no get– I don't have
Dey– is
No lele na– no problem
Throw me abeg– give me
Make we see how she go be– let us see how she will look like
Run like goat wey Dem dey chase– run like a goat on pursue
If the girl no fine nko?– what if she is not beautiful?
She no kuku Sabi my face– she can't recognize me
Na to turn back run sharperly– just take a run for it.
Where you dey na– where are you?
Emi ika– evil me
Na weytin I wan hear be that– that's all I want to hear
I just long neck my head– I took a look from afar
Dey shake like agama lizard– shaking like agama lizard
Begin dey roll my eyes– rolling my eyes
Like say e be CCTV camera– like it's a CCTV camera
Swear down– swear
Werey–mad
Ogun– a god
Mtchew– hissed
Suya– meat
Garri– local food
Temi taa paa bi guguru– I am doomed
Vex– angry
Sango– a god
Kukuma –has
Ketpus– virginal
Unpeel my cassava– off my pant
Eat it raw without cooking– suck my dick
Lemme– leave me
Kongi– dick
Lambam you slap– heavy slap
Weytin– what
Emi irunmole– evil me
Liadis– like this
Unbolito– sex
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