Chapter Eight

Ethan and I stayed quiet on the drive back to campus. A lump rose in my throat as my eyes stung. But I blinked back the feeling so I wouldn't show what I was thinking.

The car finally slowed to a stop. I looked up to see that we were back on campus. As soon as Ethan switched off the engine, I ripped off my seatbelt and hopped out of the car. "Kyle!" Ethan yelled after me.

I wanted to keep running, but his voice stopped me dead in my tracks. I inhaled sharply, looking up at the sky. Then I spun around to face him. "I can't do this," I spilled.

Ethan walked towards me. When we stood eye to eye, his hands rested on my shoulders. "Hey, we are starting over again," he tried to reason. "We are making things right between us."

I glared at him as if he just said something idiotic. "We had sex!" I said, throwing reality at him.

"Yeah, I don't regret!" he argued. "I feel like I finally have what I wanted---you."

I was torn. My heart tugged against my head, but my mind fought harder. "I missed you," I admitted. "But I don't love you anymore. I thought I did. I missed the feelings I had when things were smoothed between us. I missed the warmth of you around me, but it hurts knowing I'll never have all of you. I know that now."

An estranged, challenging look flashed in Ethan's eyes. "What are you trying to say?"

"I'm too scared to fall for you again."

I could tell his heart sank just by the coldness coming off of Ethan. "So, you're breaking my heart again?" he pressed.

"Ethan---"

"What did I do so wrong to you? Am I that bad of a person!"

"Ethan, I---"

"Please, tell me! I want to know!"

I shrank into myself, knowing that eyes were watching the meltdown between us. I felt the shame and humility blanketing me. "You're not a bad person," I said. "I think you are the most genuine person in the world. But genuine doesn't always mean kind. In all the five years of our relationship, I put up with your narcissism and you patronizing me! Even down to my eyes!"

Ethan stiffened when I bought up his hatred for my eye color. His head hung low as his hand scratched the back of his neck. "Yeah, I know that's messed up," he said.

"No, you don't get it," I said. "How can you say you love me when you couldn't look into my eyes? Especially when we were together! My eyes should be the most special thing about me. Do you know the other day a perfect stranger said my eyes were the most beautiful ones he'd seen? I couldn't get a single positive thought out of the five years I've been with you." My voice cracked at that last sentence because it did hurt.

It was more than just my eyes. It was the fact that I couldn't get the one thing I wanted in someone I've been with for so long: acceptance. I wanted to be accepted.

Love from someone is beyond gifts, beautiful dates, and sex. It's like how parents say they love their kids because they gave them food and shelter. A perfect stranger can provide anyone the physical. Yet, someone with compassion will always give what money can't buy, and the kind of meaning sex will ever wash away.

"If that's how you felt, Kyle," said Ethan, "then what was that all about in the cottage? Huh? I feel like I go round and round, trying to win you over. You are not easy to deal with, you know! You are an emotional mess who cannot get their shit together!"

I felt like Ethan punched me in my gut. I screamed inside, but I didn't want him to know that that hurt. Instead, I hold his gaze, but it was nothing romantic. "What happened between us was me looking for love in the wrong place?" I said. "So, it's not your heart that I'm breaking. It's mine."

Ethan fell silent. He stared back at me in such a way, as if I was an animal dying before his eyes. I guessed he searched for the right words to say. But there wasn't. Ethan simply stared at me, letting my words sink in. I felt the knot rising, viciously. Tears threatened to fall, and my mask was coming down.

When Ethan finally spoke, he said to me, "I can't let go of you. You're my first boyfriend. You're right. I never stepped to see how special you are. You taught me so much. Yet, I never once considered how you felt. If you think ending things now is best for you, then I respect that."

I peered up at him. "Do you really?" I asked him.

Ethan nodded. "I do," he assured me. He pulled me to him and wrapped me in his arms. I nuzzled my nose in the crest between his neck and shoulder. "Can we still be friends?" Ethan asked me.

I pulled away to look up at him. "Yeah," I said. "I'm okay with that."

Ethan pressed his lips against mine. For a moment, I flinched but realized the oddness of it. It was long, tensed, and bittersweet. This was definitely a goodbye kiss. The kind of kiss that broke your heart because you knew this was the closure you didn't expect. The closure you needed most. When our lips parted, Ethan walked away. I watched him disappear behind the back door leading into the student apartments. I hugged myself for warmth from the coldness of the Minnesota winter and the void growing inside me.