1. the beginning

I was coughing. My throat was burning. It was practically on fire. I’ve thought a lot about where I would end up – whether it be heaven or hell. And the indication of my current state could only mean two things. Either I was in hell and in the midst of eternal asphyxia or I didn’t actually die.

I opened my eyes. The first thing I saw was darkness which, for a split second, made me hopeful. How cruel was it that I started to become accustomed to my surroundings shortly afterwards? The rain was pitter-pattering on my face. I could hear the waves crashing – the same waves I was in.

I closed my eyes again as the weight inside my chest grew, becoming overwhelmingly familiar. It was the feeling I got when I made a mistake. It was same feeling I got when I was giving up. I tried to ignore it and focused on the waves, waiting for it to calm me down.

Once the realization sunk and my tears had mingled with the raindrops on my face, I wiped my eyes, reopening them to find a pair of eyes staring at me intently. There was something familiar about them but I couldn’t quite figure it out at first.

“You?” I croaked.

I didn’t know his name but I did know him. He was regular at the beach and he was always hanging out in large groups of people. It was easy to assume that he was a people person. I had started to notice him after frequenting the beach a couple times.

The guy in front of me narrowed his eyes with his iPhone flashlight in front of me. He shook his head and mumbled something under his breath, raking his fingers through his hair. I had always seen him from a distance, never up this close His hair always looked a dark shade a brown from the distance but it looked lighter underneath his phone’s light. He licked his lips, biting his bottom lip for a moment before glancing at me. It was at the moment I realized I was staring at him.

“I just saved your life,” he said, almost in a daze.

And with those words, something inside of me snapped.

He saved me.

“You asshole!” I spat suddenly, pushing away from him quickly. I scrambled to my feet, trying to ignore how cold I was, and took a step back away. “You pulled me out!” He simply stared at me as if I had two heads. When he didn’t speak, I felt my walls crumbling down, the familiar weight in my chest returning.

No, god, please, oh god no.

I let out a ragged breath, wrapping my arms around my waist as I crouched down, bending my head forward as I tried to control my breathing.

Stop it Abby, get a fucking grip!

Hot, angry tears ran down my face as a sob escaped my lips. He fucking saved me. I wanted to thrash something, I wanted to do something violent. I wanted to let out my rage – rage over the fact that someone had saved my life when I didn’t even consent to it.

“What is your problem?” he snapped. I ignored him and sat back down on the sand, wrapping my arms around my legs, hugging them to my chest as I silently cried. “I fucking saved your life and you’re blaming me? What kind of nonsense is that?”

I grit my teeth together, my hands balling into a fist. I dug my nails into my palms as I tried to ignore him, tried wishing that he would just get the hint and disappear.

Why, why, why?

You don’t deserve a second chance.

No one wants you here.

It’s better off to be dead than alive Abby.

“Will you answer me?” he asked snappily.

I wiped away my angry, frustrated tears and looked up at him. He was staring at me intently but his cold exterior crumbled once he saw my tear-stricken face.

“Get the fuck away from me,” I said firmly but quietly, but loud enough for him to hear.

For a moment, he was quiet and I simply stared out into the ocean, willing the currents to rise higher and sweep me off my feet again.

“No,” he said, quite calmly. It pissed me off so I glared at him.

“Get the hell away from me,” I repeated. I was seething – on the inside. I wanted and needed to be alone, especially since I was in a predicament I wasn’t prepared for. I was so sure of myself that I wouldn’t have had to come up with a plan B if I failed.

“I’m taking you home.”

I couldn’t help but let out a humorless laugh. “Like hell you are.”

“I’m trying to help you,” he said slowly. Something about his tone told me that it seemed like he was trying to contain his anger, as if I did something to piss him off. It was clear as glass that I was testing his patience yet, I couldn’t care less.

“I never asked for your help, let alone anyone’s. So, do us both a favor and get lost,” I snapped, looking up at him.

His nose flared angrily as he said, “Why are you such an ungrateful brat?!”

That shut me up. I stared at him. I watched as the remorse formed almost instantaneously. I waited for an apology but it didn’t seem like he was capable of voicing it. Instead, he swallowed inaudibly and let out a sigh.

“Get up,” he said. “I’m not taking on for an answer. It’s either you get up or I will literally pick you up.”

What a burden you are.

You don’t deserve this.

No one needs you.

I shut my eye, digging my face into my knees as I kept battling my own mind.

Stop it, stop it, just please make it stop.

“Go,” I said to him, barely above a whisper.

“I’m not leaving without you,” he said. I stayed where I was, allowing the familiar clench of my heart take over. My breaths came out short and arrhythmic. I was hyperventilating. A sob escaped my lips and I clamped my palms over my mouth.

Stop it Abby, just stop.

Two arms wrapped around my body. I was being pulled into his lap. I didn’t let my guard down and he didn’t let go of me. It took me a moment to realize that he was hugging me. He was trying to console me while I cried. I wanted to push him way, but I didn’t and I don’t know why. I should’ve stopped him. I should’ve screamed bloody murder. I shouldn’t have leaned into him. I shouldn’t have let him hold me like I was some fine china he was tring to protect.

We sat there for god knows how long. I tried paying attention to the sounds around me – the waves, my breathing, his breathing – to calm myself down. I was shivering too, we both were. The rain had stopped for now but the waves continued to torment the shore. His breath fanned against the side of my neck, sending shivers down my spine.

“Come on,” he said more softly, “Let’s get you home.” I didn’t fight him this time. All the fight had left my body and I was left with numbness.

I pulled away from him and stood. I attempted to dust of the sand to the best of my ability but gave up shortly afterwards. Without waiting for him, I turned and began making my way back to my aunt’s house.

He followed me silently, as if he was my protector or bodyguard, trying to make sure I got to my destination without harm. When we reached my back porch, I froze momentarily. I wasn’t on planning on returning, let alone staying alive.

When I made a move to go inside, he grabbed my arm.

“What?” I asked, snatching my arm back.

He hesitated for a moment, glancing away, almost as if he was debating whether or not to ask or say something. He let out a breath and looked at me intently. “Why did you do it?”

If anyone else had asked, I wouldn’t have given them a true answer. But I was tired and hurting, physically and emotionally. And, for once in my life, I wanted to be honest about my feelings.

“Because I wanted to die.”

Before he could say or ask me anything else, I opened the back door, slipping inside as quietly and quickly as I can. I didn’t turn around to check whether or not he left as I made it up the stairs, not bothering to tiptoe like I did earlier.

As I laid in bed after taking a warm shower and tossing my clothes into the hamper, I couldn’t help but think about him and the fact that I never got his name.