Chapter 10 - Y*u. Only. Live. Once

I once wrote a bucketlist when I was in college. With my parents' wealth, things on my bucketlist that money could buy were quickly ticked off. Sky diving in Dubai? I did that. Eating at the hanging restaurant in Belgium? Done that. Seeing aurora? Several times already. Safari in Africa to see the Big Five*? Ha. Twice.

Things that proved to be difficult to fulfill, and took a long time, were actually things that couldn't be bought with money. For example: visiting all countries in the world. You didn't just need money to do that, but also time.

Falling in love, getting married, and becoming a bestselling writer were the three of my bucketlist that took the longest time to tick off. I fell in love at the age of 24, I got married at the age of 25, and became a famous writer at the age of 30.

You only live once, but if you do it right ... once is enough.

***

I always liked autumn in New York. I kept many good memories in this city since I was in university. Central Park in autumn was a magical place, and now it almost felt like home to me. 

To calm myself down after the incident at UWRF, I flew to New York. The first week, it was so hard for me to leave the hotel, but then the weather became sunny, and the sparrows singing from outside the window invited me to step into Central Park.

When I took Andrea to Central Park for the first time for our first anniversary, it was also sunny like this. We sat on a picnic blanket and accompanied by a bottle of wine and a few slices of the famous New York 1-dollar pizza. I read a book, trying to find inspiration while Andrea did a bug testing on the new security system that he was about to launch.

After getting bored reading the book, I would take a pizza slice and some bread and feed the swans in the nearby lake. Andrea would catch up with the second slice of pizza. After feeling satisfied to see the swans all full and happy, we would walk hand in hand to my favorite coffee shop in Central Park West.

Today, I could not help crying when walking alone over to the lake and took out the pizza from a paper bag to give to the swans that immediately approached me.

The memories from that day flashed before my eyes and made my tears drip slowly. I was ashamed because I didn't count my blessings. I had fallen in love, I got married to the love of my life, and became a famous writer. Most of my wishes, those that could be bought with money, or those that not, had been fulfilled. 

I sat down and sobbed by burying my face in my hands. Many people thought of me as the girl who had everything because of my wealthy background, but they didn't know how I felt so poor because all I had was money.

"Ludwinaa .. !! Winaa ... !!" suddenly a voice called from afar, "Ludwinaaa ..!!"

I must be dreaming.

That's Andrea's voice.

I looked up at the sound coming. From behind my tears, I saw a glimpse of a man running closer. He wore a long gray coat and ran with all his might towards me.

"Winaa ..."

Finally, the owner of the voice arrived before me, he was panting, and his face looked drained, "Wina... Honey..."

I recognized the man immediately. Inwardly, I thought I must be dreaming. This was Andrea's voice and Andrea's scent. This was Andrea's body.

But there's no way he was really here ... Andrea was in London!

He hugged me very firmly.

"I came as soon as I knew ..." he said softly. He hugged me for a long time. "My American visa has expired ... The new visa application took one week, and I came here directly from the airport. I'm sorry I can only come now ... I'm sorry ..."

It took me a while to process what just happened.

This. Was. Not. A. Dream.

Andrea did come here ...

And he already knew ...

I tried to break free from her embrace, but Andrea did not give up. He whispered softly over and over with a voice that was almost choked with tears. "Please ... please don't tell me to leave ... Please, Honey ..."

"I finally gave up and followed your wish to divorce. After the conference in Bali, I stopped by Singapore to pack up the rest of my stuff. You haven't lived there for a long time, and our apartment was very dusty. I decided to clean our home one last time ... and I saw your diagnosis report from last year in the trash bin. You never told me ... I immediately came to the hospital and met your doctor, and he told me everything ... I know you've been looking for second and third opinions to several hospitals in America. I know the diagnosis is always the same. I know you deliberately stay away from me and do whatever it takes to make me go back to Adeline. You deliberately never reply to my emails and calls, so I would give up and leave you ..."

Andrea already knew everything ...

I forgot to throw away the documents from the hospital because I didn't think Andrea would come to Singapore ...

Finally, my tears broke out, and I sobbed in his chest.

"On that day, Doctor Chou showed me the results of my test ... He said it was uterine cancer, it was already at an advanced stage. My heart was broken ..." I said in tears, "I not only cannot bear your children, but I also cannot live with you until we are old and gray, Honey. I know how heart-broken you would be... I was going to tell you about my diagnosis after getting second opinions ... but then, I couldn't bear it, Andrea. So, I tried to reunite you with Adeline. I never wanted to meet you and reply to your emails, I kept waiting for you to leave me ... But why can't you move on, from me, Andrea? Why can't you just move on and get back with Adeline and Ronan...? Why ...? You should now be back together with Adeline and Ronan and forget about me, Honey ..."

His apartment in Camden was styled like our apartment in Singapore. His passkey was the same as our passkey in Singapore. Whenever I was ready to return to him... the home was open to me. 

I was truly heart-broken when I entered his apartment and realized that, for a year, Andrea was waiting for me faithfully in London ...

"You tried so hard to drive me out of your life. You made me think that you had turned into a selfish woman, and don't want to forgive my past. You made me think you don't want to accept Ronan ... You think I would ever find out the truth ..." Andrea cupped my face with both hands and staring at me deeply, "And I wouldn't have found out if I didn't come to get my stuff from Singapore. Now I know the truth, and you can't run anymore. Wherever you go, I'll go with you... I promise you, you can't get rid of me this time ..."

I fell in love at the age of 24, I got married at the age of 25, was diagnosed with advanced-stage cancer at the age of 29, and became a famous writer at the age of 30. There were a few more things on my bucketlist that I could never tick off. Things like visiting all countries in the world and growing old together with my sweetheart ... simply because I didn't have the time.

But looking back, I think I had lived a good life. I think I had done it right.

I wanted to prevent Andrea from getting the pain of having his heart broken when I died, which was why I kept my illness a secret. I hoped that his move to London would give him and Adelina a fresh start so that he would forget about me, and I slowly planned to disappear from his life.

I had accepted the fact that my days were numbered. I refused chemotherapy because it would only extend my life for a little longer with the cost of losing my hair and looking ugly. Not worth it.

When I was in my darkest times, I was contemplating suicide. The only reason I didn't do it was because I knew how badly it would hurt him and my family...

"I am sorry for keeping things from you," I said softly.

"I'm sorry that you even felt the need to keep things from me ... I'll do better." Andrea tried to smile and loosen his arms. "Come on, let's feed the swans.. They are starving ..."

I nodded weakly, returning his smile while wiping away my tears. "Ah ... that's right, let's feed them together ..."

"After that, we can go to your favorite coffee shop..."

"Deal."

"Later, I have to buy some clothes because I came here without a suitcase."

"Will do."

"Don't ever send me away again."

"Yes, Honey..."

"Let's face this problem together ... I want to be with you 'till death do us part." 

"Yes ... till death do us part," I repeated his words with a smile, even though tears incessantly flowed down my cheeks.

We walked hand in hand to Central Park West after feeling satisfied to see swans were all full and happy.

"Aren't you tired? Let me give you a piggyback ride."

"There's no need, ah ... I'm embarrassed if other people see us."

He ignored my protest and swiftly carried me on his back, "Sick people shouldn't protest too much."

How could I say no to his gentle and caring voice? Finally, I could only nod and wrapped my arms around his neck and rested my head on his shoulder. 

Finally, I'm home.

***

You only live once, but if you do it right ... once is enough.

****