Moment and wishes

There was once a time I believed in forever and everything will be the same, I'll get married and be happy forever. Hmmm, how did that just die in a day?, How did that thought cease to exist like I never thought like that. I have never been so silent in my life and I pray this zesty silence brings prosperity, Laughing out loud.

Kick my head; let me bleed, Today's going to be awful and I have to accompany Dad to go sign the Death certificate but I know I would definitely bail on me. I heard screams coming from the house, I rushed to the stairs to take a look cause I'm not going down to hear another bad news that would probably send me to a coma. Gracie just had her first period and Sue thought she's a witch and her brother's blood is flowing from her body-phew.

I was blind to my struggles and now I'm crippled. Coming down to have breakfast with the whole family was an achievement, no one's talking, everyone's is giving the silent treatment like it was the last supper. Finally Dad said a little prayer and said it's not a big deal to miss school today. Dad!, I just got into a new level and it's the beginning of the semester for me, I can't afford to miss classes plus it would be unwise for me to stay back at home and think all through which would badly affect my mental health. Replying Dad with the tone I just used meant Death or rather something worse was coming to me. "I knew you're monster" Gracie quoted. There's this long sigh that comes when you know you want to do something badly but you can't. 

I buried Nostalgia in my jacket, as I came down from the car and walk towards the school gate, but everything soon ended with the school bully pulling me back, I was ready for a fist fight but little did o know today was a word fight. He constantly reminded me of You know who's death and how I can't go home to report to anyone or have anyone stand for me and I how I can't find solidarity anymore. I wasn't ready for this kind of fight and I'm already surrounded by his goons which were all following not because they respect him, but because they are fear him which was actually stupid and disgusting.

I threw a sad punch at his face leaving no damage as I ran into the school compound which felt a little bit comforting because student were already lining up for the morning assembly. I turn back to look at him while in the midst of the crowd where I felt safe and where I couldn't do a thing to me I smiled sadly and said in my heart it's one to him and death to me. Todays morning routine was quite short and everyone kept staring at me wondering why I'm not home mourning.

I was invited to the counselor's office where I was given the most boring speech on how to deal with death. He said so many strange things to me which sounded depressing to me and that's exactly what I was avoiding at the house. Before I left her office, she gave me a book on deal with the death of a loved one, which I dumped in the trash next to the office. That author didn't lose the same person I lost and doesn't understand our connection.

Today's so slow. It's been the 100th time I checked my watch during lunch time. Can't the time just go any fast....er looking up and realizing the school bully was right at my table. Can't today just be less unlucky for me?. The next opening of my eye lid was meet with a splash of my food on my face, I stood angrily to retaliate but got the beating of my life. Mr bully was more of a bragger than a boy beater, I told my self repeatedly " He's Such a bladder mouth and when I kill him, Death will throw me an ice cream party"

Finally the long troublesome day was over and I could finally be at peace. Home was worse, there was a large crowd in the house with some well wishers and bad wishers. I don't know why people throw filthy hands at me why pretending to care about me. Inside this house I hate what I see, everyone is crying as if they once asked how he was or actually pretended to care, This is so silly.

Up in my bedroom, I made plans to kill in order to avenge my brother's death. A life for a life, and I have the perfect victim to pay death in his own coin. Seven in the evening and the crowd is almost dispersed, I came down to the dining to have dinner with my family which was much more awkward than breakfast. I ended up not touching my meal, strolled outside and screamed out loud till the neighbors asked me to shut up.

I wish I had a better voice or feel less insecure. I Care about everything they said to me and it stresses me out.

I'm looking forward a new day where I won't feel so much pain and anger, where I can look at the my personal good days which never happened before. I wish I could turn back time to the good old days where we used to play play pretend and give each other different names. Five seconds is all I need to remind my brother I love him so much, I wish you can hear me cause you made me believe making different wishes at night make them all come through. Pain but I won't let it turn into hate. I won't let it break me or lead me to depression. I promise Jay, I promise. My fingers crossed behind.