Friend or Foe

This scene felt all too familiar, staring at this unattractive ceiling, laying on this cold bed, surfing through the memories zooming in and out of my head, I retraced every road, redrew every line, unsaid every word but I was still in this plain room, I couldn’t retrace that.

I woke up to my new reality, my chosen path, how did I feel? Thrilled but scared, what would I do? Live life as I wanted now, with who I wanted and how I desired to.

I decided to call my mom later in the day, maybe she would want to meet up to hear me out, she would hear me out right? I might want to be free, desire to be loved and ready to be known but my family still is and would always be my family.

The neighborhood was quiet and business like, no birds chirping, no neighbor screaming, I missed the little things but I wanted to be who I was, to live freely not as a FAG but as a person.

I'd come a long way, fought so many battles, seen so much pain to break down here.

You don’t know pain but you will

Rays words echoed in my head, I stared at the ceiling vehemently, what did he know about pain? Just because he had a past didn’t mean I didn’t know pain, pain was pain, was any greater than the other?

A needle lodged in your neck or a knife in your chest?

I'm definitely picking the needle, ok fine maybe some pains are greater than others but I knew pain too, I had my own past too, why was I pushing so hard on this, why was I trying to compare?

I groaned as I hit the pillow behind me missing it for the wall.

“YEOW!” I rolled as I held the tears threatening to spring out, fucker! I checked my fingers already oozing blood for more damages, I sucked them for a while till they stopped bleeding.

Was this the new trend? Speak of pain and it shall appear? The stupid bitch had nothing on me, scraped fingers won’t add to my list of growing pains.

I readied myself to do my morning rituals, as I rounded the corner heading to the bathroom, my pinky toe kissed the edge of the wall.

“FUCKKKKK!” I hopped around screaming profanities, the bitch had something on me.

**

“Beep

you’ve reached cherry, drop a messa-“

Voicemail again, I had been trying to reach cherry since yesterday but nothing, I was worried about her, what If she was stuck on the road? What if she lost her phone?

I was having a lot of negative thoughts, all I wanted was cherry, I just wanted to close my eyes and feel the arms of the one I loved around me.

I looked blandly around the town, it lacked the usual gravity I used to feel towards it, it looked cold, foreign and old, it wasn’t home anymore, it just looked like it.

I half expected everyone to look at me like I killed a man but I guess the rumors hadn’t spread yet, they would come for me with torches and forks if it had, the scenario made me laugh causing people to look at me funny.

I played with my muffin as I stirred my too sweet coffee, this was just a past time, I just needed to breathe in the nice fresh air, gaze upon the wondrous sights and prepare myself for the long road ahead, the adventures, the scorn, the disapproval, I was ready for it all.

I had won the first battle, I held in my tears of victory and pain, I wanted to go home but cherry was my home now, she was everything to me.

I really hoped my phone would ring and it would be my mom, I really hoped she would reconsider, my father could dance over his grave for all I cared.

Or maybe I just needed to take the first step.

“Hello”

“Mom”

“Who’s this?” hell she was still angry

“It’s Katya, your Katy-“

“I believe you have the wrong number, I lost my daughter yesterday, she died on a road trip, she went to bible camp, she just never came back”

“I’m alive, I’m not dead and I won’t die anytime soon so you could either forgive me and accept me or you c-“

“Thanks for dropping your condolences, she was really loved by a lot of people and cared about the lord, I hope she makes it to his bosom, goodbye”

“Wha-“

Beep

This was more than anger, she was too far gone for me to reach, I released a shaky breath as I raked my fingers through my hair.

If she says I'm dead I can just imagine how Becca would be feeling, shit! Becca, this was an annoying week to play moment of truth, I was so fucked, everything was falling apart in the blink of an eye.

“Beep

you’ve reached cherry, drop a messa-“

“Aargghhh” what was she doing without her phone, the least she could do was text, I scowled at my phone fighting the urge to smash it to pieces.

“Katya”

Face to face with Becca on such short notice, right here, right now wasn’t what I had in mind, for once my mind wasn’t clouded by cherry, I just didn’t want to lose my best friend.

“Katya” I lowered my eyes to my cold coffee, maybe if I pretended  I couldn’t hear her or I wasn’t the one, she would walk away, she would leave me alone.

“You’ve opened a can of worms, the least you can do is own up to it” she clenched her fists as she glared at me

“why didn’t you tell me?”

“It was never the righ-“

“Wrong answer, why didn’t you tell me” I stared at my best friend waiting for the look of disgust, for the indifference.

“Because I was scared”

“Of what?”

“Of losing all I've ever known, of leaving all of I've ever had, I was scared to ruin what took years to build, we don't have the same blood running through our veins yet its more than that, it's much more than that, I couldn’t let it all go, I had changed, I was the one who changed, I was the one who needed to change but did I really? I'm still me, it’s still Katya, what’s the difference between who I was and who I am now” her nose twitched, a very bad sign, that only happened when she was upset.

“Walk with me”

“I thought you came here to talk”

“Keep up” I paid for my coffee as she crossed the road, I caught up in no time, our shoulders brushed as we walked side by side, it was really peaceful but I couldn’t swallow past the lump in my throat.

“Do you remember this park” I stared at the closest park to our homes, we always came here when we had issues, when we didn’t want to go home or we needed an escape. “Do you remember the memories?”

“Of course I do”

“Good then let’s move on” she took a short cut through the park leading us to the museum “Remember this” I giggled, of course I remembered, we egged the building once when it was still old and looked haunted, the crew sent in to redecorate had a field day cleaning up the place, they cursed us for weeks.

We passed by the museum taking the dark alley beside it, cats meowed at us for interrupting their abode, we busted out on the main street, I remembered the amazing scents always coming from the bakery here, the jingles of the church bell in the distance.

“Remember this route? This particular street was ours to conquer, we were always here, tasting this and that, being a nuisance to them, we were always the most difficult customers to please” we chuckled softly as we shared the memories.

“Remember Mrs. Rose?” the best woman I had ever met, so lively, she gave us free cookies when we disturbed too much or smacked us over the head when we used cuss words, she was always lively, so warm and motherly, she died at the age of 70, claimed she was still a young one on her death bed.

I put my hands in my pocket when they began to fidget, there were so many memories here, there were so many people, there had always been too many.

“Why did you ask me to walk with you?”

“I still need to show you something” she smiled softly as she walked on ahead

We walked down the main street, shouting greetings here and there, waving to the locals, laughing at the kids who pretended to be heroes.

We walked towards the church, I didn’t know how far my news had spread but I didn’t have anything to lose, I glanced at Becca and remembered the whole new world behind me, or did i?

“Remember this?” we stood in front of our humongous church, it had always been amazing to look at but what was once beautiful to me now looked plain, i wasn’t made for this castle anymore, I was too far from shore to ever return.

“When you would make it your priority to pray to God, to let him be your rock, your road to answers, the shoulders you could cry on, your best friend” she chuckled lightly “you were the one who taught me that he had the ultimate answer, that he was the only one I could talk to and trust, what happened to your friendship with him?”

My heart was filled with emotion, I blinked rapidly to halt these traitorous tears, I stared at this imposing structure but not with contempt in my heart, I willed myself to see past what these four walls were actually made of and seek who actually mattered.

I prayed, the words sounded foreign on my lips and my tears were neither bitter nor sweet, I prayed for myself, I prayed for my family, I prayed for this journey I was not prepared to embark on, I prayed for God to forgive me for I had sinned, I prayed for him to remember me beyond my sin, I prayed for him to forgive me for I would sin.

I didn’t feel uncertain, I didn’t feel shame, I didn’t feel dirty, I felt just right.

“Do you feel connected or are you lost beyond redemption?” a laugh escaped my lips as Becca giggled beside me.

“Idiot you’re not a priest”

“Oh shush, I just had to finish the prayers with some holy words”

“Those words weren’t holy, if anything it made the prayers travel slowly” i ran down the street as she chased me.

The elderlies smiled at us as we zoomed past, this wasn’t the first time we ran like we had insects up our butts or disturbed the community with my squeal and Becca horrendous battle cry, I mean even the animals ran to safety.

“Oh boy, di-d you le-a-rn how to r-u-n a marathon” Becca wheezed as she bent over to catch her breath.

“Nope I just have enough energy to pass round all my activities, eating, walking, running, thinking, sleepi-”

“That’s not an activity dumbass”

“Is too”

“Is not”

“Is too”

“Is n-“

“Oh cut it out, don’t be a big baby, you don’t to win all the time annnnnnnnnnnnnda! you were beginning to bore me” big mistake, I forgot I was within reach, I shrieked as she jumped on me, I waited for the tickles but they never came.

I was still chuckling softly as I took deep breaths while Becca stared at me with such intensity that made me self-conscious, I had a strong urge to check my face but my hands were trapped in hers.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I stared into the eyes I knew more than mine, they held hurt and anger, it was hidden but I knew it was there.

“The truth?”

“Nothing but”

“I wasn’t certain yet, I was still very confused and disoriented, I didn’t even know how to present it to you” we sat with our backs to someone’s fence as I caressed the tiny grasses beneath it.

“Are you certain now?”

     

“Yes I am, I wish you would meet her, she’s really sweet, you’d love her”

“I’m sure I would” she smiled wistfully at me as she caressed my cheek “Do you remember what I said to you the day you defied your father”

“Something along giving up all I had for nothing?”

“Hmmph, is she worth giving up all of this?” the clouds changed once more as it began to drizzle, I tried to swallow the lump in my throat as I thought of the perfect answer.

“Are you asking me to choose?”

“You’re smart, what do you think I'm asking you to do?” I gulped as she let go of my hands “haha, sorry kat, what am I thinking? I can’t ask you to pick between two things you love cause you’ve already chosen” she dusted her rear as she walked towards the main street.

“BECCA WAIT!, I CAN’T LOSE YOU, PLEASE I CAN’T”

“You shouldn’t have lost me kat but I’m afraid you just did, don’t get me wrong, I love you, fuck! It might take a while to get used to not texting you or calling you or being around you but we’ll meet someday, somewhere far away from here, when you’re settled and finally free, I will find you but for now let’s just forget we ever existed”  

My heart sunk at her words, I took a step back as I stared at the only family I had left give me happiness on a platter of gold, someone who finally accepted me but without full acknowledgement.

“Somewhere in another place, sometime in the distant future, we will meet again, I just hope i would be willing to give us a chance or we aren’t too far lost to rekindle whatever you killed today” we stood facing each other as the rain began to pour.

I didn’t mind getting drenched for this cause, my mom wasn’t coming around, a fact that just hit me now, my dad would be beyond happy to have me out of the house, Becca? Becca had the choice to stay or leave.

She smiled at me, I didn’t know if it was the rain or her tears filling her eyes, she turned too fast for me to see, she walked with long strides towards Main Street never looking back.

I called the only person who could dull the pain.

“Beep

you’ve reached cherry, drop a message, I’ll be sure to reply as I soon as I can

if it’s for business just call my office,

thank you

Bye.

Beep”

I could feel the rain on my face but I could also feel the tears dancing with them down my cheeks.

I prayed for the pain.

I prayed for my heart.