Why is she like that?

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• Finding Love Again   Confess

  "... so we'll all see each other at 3 pm for our first training session at the latest, and now I wish you all a good appetite. Thank you very much ”, Franz ends his speech and everyone claps cautiously.I quickly join Linda's group, consisting of the 'protectors', Fine, Linda, Ben and Ina. We go to dinner together and after we have all filled the plates at the buffet I sat down next to Ina, as this is the next seat to Linda that is not yet occupied. Linda sits between the two little ones and Tom, of course, next to his brother. This picture bothers me, how they both treat the little ones so lovingly, almost as if they were a family. The very idea gives me a tremendous pang in my heart."Who are you?" Ina asks me with her childlike, naive manner and diverts my attention from the imaginary family idyll."Leon." I say curtly, I just can't be with children. They don't like me and it's mutual."And why do you always look at Linda so strangely?", She cont

• Finding Love Again   Return the kiss

  Seconds later he is standing next to Linda with Ben. One of his hands strokes Ben's hair, the other is on Linda's back, fueling my jealousy. When he is pushing past her in the narrow aisle, I want to pounce on him and have my fist test his bone density. But I can stop myself just like that.Shortly afterwards we stop at a small rest area and Tom and Linda lead Ben outside. A few others follow to stretch their legs, including me. As always, I stay as close as possible to Linda's, which is proving difficult at the moment, as Ben's puking noises also hit my stomach. But for Linda I bravely swallow my discomfort.A few minutes later, Tom carries a crying Ben past me back onto the bus and I keep an eye out for Linda. For a moment it seems as if she is enjoying the view, because it is already dawn and you can watch an impressive sunset. But then I see her swaying and kneeling because her legs no longer support her. My heart slips into my pants and with 4 big steps I am with

• Finding Love Again   Insecure

  weeks later (6 training units)For two weeks I've been vacillating between feelings. On the one hand, I want to be close to Linda, always try to stop when I see her and feel more like a stalker than ever before. On the other hand, there is her new cool look at me, which stabs me right into the heart, but also stirs up my anger. What did I do or say to deserve this look? I was just being honest.Is it possible that she has no feelings for me? Could it be that I have interpreted too much into small things and she is not into me at all? The very thought of it stings me deeply in the heart.Even when I am near her, I feel further from her than ever. Something like resignation is slowly creeping in. Apparently she doesn't want me.Today is the last training session before the autumn break. That means tomorrow we're going to the training camp. 10 days in Croatia with 4 hours of training a day and around the clock Linda. Not everyone in our t

• Finding Love Again   Why is she like that?

  At some point Hanna stands up cockily and makes herself heard, my attention remains on Linda. Since Hanna took the floor and attracted everyone's attention, Linda's gaze has been fixed on the table top and I see that she is planning an escape."... so I think that the two best swimmers in the club should have a drink together now." Hanna's speech ends, but I don't listen to her, I keep looking at Linda. Which now looks at me invitingly. Just like everyone else, I notice as I look around."You should have a drink with the best swimmer," Micha explains to me and pokes his elbow in my ribs. What? The best swimmer? I know that Hanna means herself, but she only won by unfair means."Of course I'll have a drink with Linda." I give the group a shrug and fix on Linda again. Your mouth is open, disbelief is probably best at the moment."But ... I ...", Hanna starts, but then closes her mouth again and visibly collects a few seconds. Then she turns to Linda and sta

• Finding Love Again   Feeling

  Show me your shoulder. I want to see them. ”Franz demands with a sigh. He has already given up, because Linda is something special to him too. Even if he tries to treat us all equally, Linda has a special position. One could almost speak of a father-daughter relationship. His real daughter trains in Linda's group and their families are friends.Linda swears softly and then takes a hissing breath in. I can no longer keep myself in my hiding place, I really have to see her shoulder.She is pulling her right arm out from under the T-shirt, exposing the joint and her swimsuit. The shoulder is completely blue-violet and I can just suppress a startled gasp. So does she want to swim?"Fine makes me a tape bandage," she says meekly under Franz's horrified look.“I can't force you to let it go. But I ask you to take care of yourself. “, Implores Franz Linda, tucks a strand behind her ear and then goes his way.Linda also goes back to Sophi

• Finding Love Again   Upstairs

  What should I do now? Go? Accompany you upstairs?What my body wants is clear. This lousy traitor wants to be in Linda's arms, preferably naked in her bed. But the last remnant of my brain, which is not influenced by alcohol, prevents it from being converted to the deepest animal whiteness. Instead, I feverishly wonder what I can do now.A door falling shut pulls me out of my thoughts and I look up to the place where Linda was just standing. She is gone. The light in the hallway confirms to me that all my deliberations were in vain.Mumbling soft curses, what an idiot I am, I set off in the direction of my home. When I got there, I'm no longer an idiot but the biggest bastard on this planet. First I let her down in the bar and watch her get drunk, then I just kiss her and end it so abruptly that you have to think I didn't like it. But it has, very much.Lying in my bed, I still cannot forgive myself and am punished with images that do not let me sleep. Sc