Chapter 10

Roughly two months have passed.                                                                             

I find as the time passes, I dream less and less. Along with the fading dreams are the fading memories of the past. They are still there, just locked further and further down as each day comes to a close.

While a part of me rejoices their absence, it also causes me a small measure of anguish. The memories were a constant companion to me from the very start. From the beginning of my nightmare all that time ago, the life I desperately wished to return to was the only thing keeping me sane most days.

All too soon even those cherished memories were tainted by them and what they did. From that moment on, they became nightmares. Just awful reminders of what can never be.

Despite the pain that lashed me deep with every thought and memory, they comforted me in the strangest of ways. The bittersweet and tainted dreams gave me time, no matter how brief, with the ones I love.

My wounds have long since healed, leaving nothing more than mares on my skin. My body is no longer hollow and brittle, sustenance finally filling my stomach each day. My muscles are defined, honed from the constant walking and drawing of my bow. My mind is sharper and clearer, and my primary focus is revenge and survival.

I haven’t had any incidents with the fire again. Not once have I felt the burning expanding in my chest. Nothing even sparked to life, though I tried. I wanted to see if I could control it, so I tried to summon that sensation again. I had no luck. I don’t know if that was a good thing or bad thing.

Sometime in those two months I encountered a lone human hunter in the woods. At first, I was extremely wary, and made a point of going the long way around to avoid discovery. Incidentally, he found me anyway.

To this day, I’m still not entirely sure if he was hunting me or he merely stumbled across my path accidently. Either way, I was glad he did, despite the reservations I initially had. I had vowed in that cave never to get near a human again, but I couldn’t help it. I was weak and lonely.

He took one look at me and decided I needed help. He was right, of course. After the encounter with the Others, I had run in the opposite direction of Joult. It took some time to figure out exactly where I was and when I did, well, I was far from civilization.

I started walking in a daze, not really caring where as long as it was not back to Them. About five days or so later, I crossed paths with the hunter, Elan.

He was from the village of Tolsi to the west. Every three months he left the village for a month-long hunting trip. He chatted a bit about his life and didn’t seem to mind that I refused to talk about mine. He never questioned my antics or my actions, which relieved me to no end.

Perhaps most surprising of all though, was he never looked at me any differently when he saw my ears or eyes. He was friendly and patient at all times.

I’m not entirely sure how it happened, but next thing I knew, he was teaching me all I needed to know about hunting. He trained me for two weeks. He helped me hone my skills with the bow, gave me hints and tricks to increase my odds of success. He taught me how to track animals, even with the smallest of tracks. He instructed me on the proper way to skin and prepare my kills. He never forgot to show me how to cook it right and keep it longer. But the most important thing I learned from him, was that unconditional kindness does still exist in humans.

These were my people who I couldn’t stand anymore, and it hurt. Elan changed that for me. His presence gave me hope again that some humans are still decent. A person’s demeanor is dependent on their circumstances or situation most times. Who am I to judge a human’s worth when I can’t even judge my own?

I even told him about those children. He seemed sympathetic and genuine about it. I knew I made the right choice, confiding in him. I hadn’t intended on visiting another village anytime soon, and I couldn’t pass up this opportunity to help those kids. He assured me he would send word to his village and demand help. He assured me they will be collected and cared for in his town.

As soon as the letter was sent via warhla, a huge weight lifted from my thin shoulders. I thanked him repeatedly over the next few days.

Eventually, we parted ways. He never asked for me to stay and I was glad for it. As much as I enjoyed the brief company and companionship, I always knew it wouldn’t last. Despite the relative ease I felt in his presence, there was always that nagging sensation in the back of my mind, reminding me of what I’m capable of. I feared it just as I feared hurting him. I left to protect him and myself.

I pull myself from my thoughts and look around. As I make my way through what I imagine was once a thriving and lively forest, short stumps span the distance, instead of the trees that should be touching the sky.

There is compacted dirt rather than green grass and weeds all along the forest floor. Where there should be thriving insects and birds, I hear silence. I smell the decay of the woods rather than the fresh smell of pine. It’s likely a human village nearby is the cause of this destruction. Perhaps for resources needed for their village, or perhaps they plan to sell the wood for market, but really, it could be for any number of reasons.

My heart always aches to see the disaster or mistreatment of nature and wildlife at the hands of humans. There have been a few places decimated beyond repair during my short travels.

Luckily, this stretch of forest looks to already be on the mend. Having been sheltered in my village, only seeing the thriving forest beyond the village borders, my first stumble across the destruction left me hollow.

Since the start of my aimless journey, I have seen the many facets and sides to all life forms on this planet. Some good, some bad, but mostly a bit of both. Things are no longer black and white in my world, the truth was exposed many months ago, and everything I have since seen has only further drowned me in the gray.

As for me, my decisions are no longer easy to make. The gray clouds my judgment and blurs the fine lines between right and wrong. With no one but myself to hold me accountable for the things I say and do, I now find myself unprepared for the world I had once craved to explore. With my spirits progressively dampening, I trudge deeper into the broken forest with only the small pack on my back to accompany me.

The faint bustle of civilization nearby reaches my ears and I pause. How many days has it been since I’ve seen another human? How many days has it been since I’ve talked to another human, other than myself? Faint hope unfurls in my chest, but I quickly stuff it down.

Dammit, there is no guarantee the life I hear is human. It could be a whole village of Them. And besides, even if it were humans, what would I say? ‘Oh hey, I’ll try not to murder you all if you lend me a room? For free of course, seeing as I have no money or wares to barter. Thanks a bunch, good folk.’ Right, because that would go over so well.

Craving just one look, I trudge further ahead, keeping to the shadows of the mid-morning sun. For every step I take, the bustle of life gets louder. The sound brings about my melancholy that could, if I’m not careful, drag me back to the deepest recesses of my mind. The one place I dare not tread and face the terrors of my past, like the coward I am.

After another hundred paces or so, I see the flurry of activity. Humans, so ignorant of the horrors that awaits them outside their borders, move about their morning business.  I watch with envy as they perform such mundane tasks that secure their livelihood.

An older man with a graying beard tends to his fields while four older children lend a hand. These children look no older than me and I can’t help but think if this were my village, they would be readying themselves for marriage soon.

Moving my eyes away, I spot a young woman being presented a flower, a red rose by the looks of it, by a young man in tan suit. Judging by the state of their clothes, their families are well off.

Not wanting to look upon the entitled, courting couple any longer, I eye the circles of houses centered around the hall. If this village is anything like my own, people have the opportunity to climb higher on the social ladder, and those high on the ladder can fall down. As people enter and leave their homes, I wonder what their stories are, how they got there.

I’ll never know unless I go down there, and I have no desire to go and interact with humans. I mean, I desire to go, but I can’t. I mean, I could but bad things would happen. I think. Why am I still on about this?

I can’t go period. I mean I can, but…stop. Just stop, Alanna. Shit. Why do I do this every time I see a village? Damnit.

I return to watching the village. The humans still meander about their morning with their tasks. They look so mundane and so content. Even from here, from my spot in the shadows, I feel their contentment. There’s a sense of companionship and peace that I haven’t felt in…who knows how long? Even as restless as I was in my village, there were times when I felt this peace and contentment for myself. It was intoxicating.

My jealousy and rage taint the color in my vision. I know now I was greedy for wanting more from my life. The dream of seeing the world and its wonders is now a curse I can’t rid myself of. With nothing left of the only home I had ever known, I have no other choice but to travel and escape.

How I wish to go back and change my fate, how often I now dream of living in my small village until old age takes me. What I wouldn’t give for ordinary and boring, if it meant I could see my family again. I had never truly considered what my freedom could cost me. I never fathomed I could lose all I hold dear. I have learned many harsh lessons in my short and bitter twenty-two years.

These ignorant humans have no idea how lucky they are. These ignorant humans have no idea how unlucky they can be. They have no idea how fragile their contentment and peace is. They have no idea what fate befell my village. They have no idea what horrendous things were done to me.

They go about their day so blissfully stupid. If only they knew what could happen in a blink of an eye. What would they do then? How would they react? Some sick, twisted part of me craves the answers to those questions. The darkest part of my soul wants them to experience what my village did, what I did. Their happiness grates under my skin, eating me alive. I want them to know our pain. What right do they have to this peace?

No. No. NO. No more. That’s not me. Not really. Find yourself again, Alanna. Don’t sink further. Don’t let the jealousy consume you. Fight. Fight it, damnit, fight it.

I stumble around and scramble away from the human village. I pushed myself too far, stayed too long. I need to put distance between myself and the bustling noise of civilization. With the loneliness sinking further, I march away, tears streaking down my cheeks. Hastily I swipe them away and mumble, “Useless tears.”