Chapter 19

My stomach rumbles loudly once more. I won’t last in training with Erik if I don’t eat lunch. I wanted to avoid the kitchen, but I remind myself that my mission comes first. I’ll ignore Elaine as best as I can, grab some food, and head to my alcove for some privacy. After the overload of information Benjamin threw at me, I could use some peace and quiet.

Soon, I’m resting in the alcove with a loaf of bread.  Luckily, the kitchen had been empty when I raced in. There was no sign of anyone, and I was able to get in and out without anyone spotting me. I devour the bread in no time, and my stomach quiets. I lean back against the cement wall and close my eyes. I’ll rest before training starts. 

********

Pain. It’s everywhere. It never ends. Help me. Someone please. Help. I don’t want to feel this anymore. I want to go home. I’m tired. It hurts. My insides are melting. It’s too much. Everywhere the needles are burns. It’s melting away, I can feel it. It’s terrible. It hurts. I want to go home. I want to be free.

The worst is my eyes. I can’t see anymore. They stuck needles there too… I think. It burns the worst there. I can’t see because they melted. My eyes are gone. At least I think so. I can’t take it anymore. I want to go home. No more needles. That golden stuff did this. It’s melting me from the inside out. It hurts. No more. Save me. Anyone. Someone, make it stop.

How long has it been? They don’t talk to me. I don’t even know if I want Them to. They are cruel. They smile while I cry. At least I think I’m crying. It hurts. They look so unnatural. I want to go home. It doesn’t matter how much I plea. Or how I beg. They never stop. All the pain. It hurts. It’s too much. Help me. Is anyone going to help me? They laugh at me. It hurts. They fill those tubes with that golden stuff. It’s inside me, burning. It keeps burning. How much longer?

I want to go home. I can’t take it. That machine is always beeping. It’s so loud. It’s so fast. It hurts. Everything hurts. The golden thing is doing this. I saw it before. Now my eyes are gone. My legs too. It hurts. Help me please. I can’t move. I want to go home. I’m sorry. Why? Make it stop. Anyone. It’s eating my insides. I can feel it. It hurts.

I can’t hear it. The beeping stopped. It’s silent. I think I’m crying. My voice is broken. It’s too much. The needles were there too. They are everywhere. It burns. Make it stop. I’m sure I’m crying. I want to go home. Save me. It hurts. I don’t like it. No more. I can’t see. Do I want to see? It’s scary. All of it. They’re scary. They hurt me. I don’t know why. They hate me. They hurt me. Hurts. It hurts. I hurt. I don’t want to hurt. No more. Help. Home. I can’t. Don’t. No. Home. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop!

My body jolts. My eyes pop open and I gasp for breath. Panicking and shaking, I stumble out of my alcove.

NO. No. It’s over. I’m alright now. It’s all over, I’m fine. I’m okay. Just breathe. I shove the dream back. I push it to the far reaches of my mind and try to breathe a little easier.

Phantom pain causes my muscles to tighten and tears to fall. I count my breaths over and over again until my breathing steadies. It takes a while, but eventually my eyes dry and the shaking subsides. I rub my arms, hoping to warm myself from the chill that’s gripped by body.

The anger surges and claims me in a sudden wave. It washes away the remains of the dreams and the pain. My rage cleanses my soul and eases my guilt. My focus is clearer and sharper as I let the anger warm me. I know I need to calm my rage—I still fear losing control—but I let it remain at the helm for a little longer. I glance around before making my way to the arena for training.

Erik is already there waiting. I vaguely note that Abel stands off to the side once again. My pace is brisk and stiff, my emotional state a chaotic mess. The dream soured my mood and resurfaced my mistrust of these talnarins. I don’t like it. I’m on edge and it makes me twitchy.

Training in this state isn’t a good idea, I know this, but I’m determined to do it anyway. I feel like I need to prove a point to not only myself, but to Them as well. I need to prove that these emotions don’t define me, that they don’t control me.

I distantly hear what Erik says, as if my head’s in a fog and my anger is rushing through my ears. I don’t bother with the stretches. If he wants to see the flames, he will see them. I’ll embrace them today and only today. I’ll show them I can do it, I’ll show myself I can do it.

I step into the center of the sandy field and steady myself. I allow my anger to fuel the heat already stirring inside. It slowly uncurls within me, but this time it doesn’t shrink away. It’s bold as it expands and I feel it grow and boil.

No longer do I shout at it to do my bidding. Some internal part of me knows it will listen to my whispers this time. My fear is gone, and the wall holding it back is shattered. It hears my command and molten silver flames explode in my hand. I watch in awe as they twist and turn. The fire dances and grows in my palm. The build is steady and slow.

I distantly hear murmured talk but can’t seem to draw my mind or eyes from my fire. Yes, mine. It belongs to me, it is part of me. There is no separation between the heat and me. It’s all interconnected—my very being, my very existence. I take the time to study it and learn it as it moves inside me like a warm breeze.

Soon, my whole body is comforted in the flames. It comforts me like the warmest blanket on the coldest day. The flames encourage the anger. My fire welcomes it and I welcome it. And so, the blaze burns brighter.

Movement from the corner of my eye draws my attention. Abel is closing in. His eyes are wide and concern is etched across his face. The concern surprises me so much the flames flicker in response.

He approaches slowly, like one would approach a wild animal. It only serves to make me feel more cornered though. I feel the panic building inside. What does Abel want? Why is he coming for me? The silver flames—now burning all along my body—lash out in anger.

The sound of crunching sand from behind me has me whipping around. Without my noticing, Erik has somehow managed to creep up behind me. His hands are held out in front of him in a calming gesture, but it doesn’t calm me. I narrow my eyes and raise my own hands in retaliation.

I want them to move away, they’re too close. It’s suffocating. I back up, trying to keep both Abel and Erik in view. When they show no sign of retreating, I will the flames higher, and higher they go. Everything happens so quickly and next thing I know, everything explodes, and the world goes dark.

*******

I peel open my eyes, eyes that feel like they’ve been sewed shut. I take in my surroundings, giving myself time to gather my strength.

The room I lay in is enclosed, the walls and floors made of dark wood. Small beds line the wall beside me. In the far corner sits a desk, and various tools and equipment. There are two doors on the wall: one which obviously leads out, and the other most likely a bathroom.

The smell is sterile, like a clinic of some sort, though one I’ve never seen before. The clinic in my village was a small room inside the healer’s home. This clinic is large and immaculately clean.

I look down the bed to see Abel sitting calmly with a stack of papers in his lap. As I attempt to sit up, he glances up with a kind look in his eyes. “Lie still, you need time to heal. You expelled more energy than you should have. It will take time to regain your strength, but it will pass. How do you feel, other than the weakness and dizziness?” he politely asks.

Why isn’t he angry? I almost set him and Erik on fire. Shouldn’t he be furious with me? It doesn’t make any sense. I try to speak, but find my throat too dry. Abel seems to know and moves to the table at my side. He passes me a glass of water. Once the drink is downed and the glass returned to the table, Abel moves back to his chair.

I clear my throat and try again. “I feel fine. I didn’t mean to lose control. It was an accident, it won’t happen again. I’ll try harder. I can do—”

“Everyone loses control when harnessing their energy at the start. You did nothing wrong and will not be punished, do you understand?”

I nod my head, confused.

“If it does happen again, it happens. Do not stress over what may come. You did exceptionally well holding it together that long. Do not fault yourself over this, no one was hurt and the damage was minimal.” He smiles so gently it hurts.

I expected anger and frustration, not understanding and tenderness. It makes me feel small and pitiful, though I don’t know why. A sudden tightness in my chest has me fighting tears. I look down at my lap and grip the blanket. I will not cry here, not now. Not over this. I choke back the emotion lodged in my throat. “What did I damage?”

“One of the pillars that supports the roof of the arena was brought down. Your fire extended quite high and was immensely hot. It loosened the connection between the pillar and roof. It toppled over, and knocked down another pillar.”

My face goes white. I did that? Me? It was that strong? That’s terrifying. What if it had hit one of them?

“Rest assured, Alanna, no one was hurt.”

It still doesn’t make me feel any better. “Why did I pass out?” I almost don’t want to know.

“Well, my theory is that the energy became too much, too soon. You lost complete control right before you blacked out.” Abel raises his eyebrows slightly. “The sudden surge of pure energy was too taxing on your system. Your body shut itself down to prevent further damage. Freya, the doctor, has already been by to assess your condition. She assures me you are well, just in need of rest. To be sure, however, she drew some blood samples to run some simple tests.”

Blood samples? What are those? This leaves me with a bad feeling. Before I can dwell on it any further, Abel stands. “It’s time for me to leave you. Unfortunately, I have a very important meeting I cannot miss. Either Elaine or Freya will be with you shorty. Rest well, Alanna.”

I watch him leave the room. Now alone, I wonder if I actually prefer his company over my own thoughts. A strange feeling settles over me—one I can’t identify—but it leaves me feeling hollow inside.

With nothing to occupy my mind, my thoughts turn to Craforian. Things haven’t been going as planned. I’ve started to… enjoy the company they provide. At least Erik’s and Benjamin’s. These talnarins are the reason my life is ruined, and yet they are filling that void within me. How is this possible? I should only feel hate and disgust towards them.

Even if those feelings changed, it’s far too soon. I’m not ready to face it. I’ve only been here for what… five days? How is that enough time to alter my view on them? Sure, they have been nothing but kind on the outside. They have helped me with my training, no questions asked. They are teaching me all I need to know about their species without a moment’s hesitation.

The strangest thing though, is how they never ask me why I don’t know these things. They never ask what happened to me or where I came from.

A huge part of me is relieved, but a smaller part wants them to ask. I desperately want to tell someone. I want this burden lifted, even if only a little. But I can’t say it, I can’t open those wounds. It’s bad enough that the dreams have come back. I can’t face those memories any more than I could when they first started.

It terrifies me, my past and my future. The more I stay, the more I want to stay. The more comfortable I get here, the more difficult it will be to finally leave. But I need this revenge more than I need my own life. I need to atone for my sins and this is the only way I know how. Why do I want to stay? Why do I want to trust these talnarins?

They aren’t Them. I know that. But they are the same, in a way. Same species, same eyes. I shouldn’t be feeling this way, it’s far too soon. While I’m still leery of them, I find the companionship peaceful, in a way. Why? Why them? What puts me so at ease? What makes me want to trust them? Is it a trick of theirs, just like His? Or is it my loneliness? Is it my despair seeking comfort? I don’t know.