Yearning

                 Paul hadn't looked her way once since class started. She wanted to apologize properly for her outburst on Saturday. She truly considered him a god friend but yesterday was a day dedicated to her old friends as much as possible since they also needed to be in school today.  There was no time to sulk about it either.  Justin was sure to fit driving practice in right after the tearful goodbyes. They stayed out until it was time for her to go home for the night. She couldn't help but to smile as she remembered Justin feeding her a bowl of mixed fruit while she was driving that he prepared before leaving to pick her up. Her heart couldn't help but to skip a beat as she recalled the feeling of his finger on her lips brushing away a drop of water that had fallen. Oh, my goodness! How did I, all of a sudden, go from Paul to Justin?! Focus on Alyssa! Not everything is about Justin!

        “I am very curious about what's making your heart race. Is it a boy that you like? Or is it someone who's just a friend?” Justin asked, turning to look at her.  

        “Please, Justin! Just shut up for a minute,” she commanded, hiding her heated face with her hair. She was more upset at herself than anything.

        “What filthy words, Alyssa,” he replied relatively calmly. 

        Alyssa cringed. She hadn’t realized it was really him speaking and not her overactive imagination being pushy when she was truly trying to think of Paul. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I'm sorry to be so rude. My mind was somewhere else.”

        “I can forgive you with a stipulation.” 

        “What would that be?”

        “A kiss.”

        “A kiss?”

        “Yes.”

        “But I didn't actually say it out loud and it really was accidental.”

        “Communicating like this is equivalent to speaking out loud.”

        “Alright, you can have a kiss.” Taking notice of the devious smile upon his lips her heart stopped then pounded so hard in her chest it truly hurt, “I'm getting the feeling you have more in store than a kiss.”

        “Right after the bell rings, we’ll meet in the hall.” The bells shrilling sound resounded through the halls as though he commanded it.

        “B-But I have to talk to Paul.” I'm stuttering even in my head! She thought, rushing over to Paul, “Hey, Paul.”

        He avoided eye contact with her, “Hey, Alyssa.”

        “I really wanted to apologize properly for what happened. I can explain it. I want to explain it to you. But first I wanted to open your present with you.” She reached into her bag and pulled out the little box.

        Paul smiled, eyes shining with joy.

        Alyssa returned the smile as she opened the box. “Twenty dollars gift card to Teddy's café! Paul! Thank you so much! I know exactly how to use it. If you aren't busy after school, I think that would be the perfect place to explain.”

        Paul crushed her in his arms. “That sounds perfect. Are you eating alone?”

        “No, I promised Dana.” She answered leaving the classroom.

        “Alright then, see you after school,” he called out walking down the hall.

        Before she could respond she found herself wrapped in Justin's arms. “Justin!” her exclamation was all she could get out as his lips crushed hers. His hand wrapped through her hair. Every time she attempted to pull away, he would lightly tug at her hair. As the kiss grew softer her embarrassment did not recover. 

        “Are you truly sorry now, SooKyung?” he asked gently. “I am sorry that I had to do this to prove you a point.”

        “Justin, please stop. Let me go.” 

        “Did you learn anything?” he kissed her flaming cheek with a firm hold still intact.

        “Justin, please.” she begged trying to lower her head on his shoulder only to be stopped by a very quick yank of her hair bringing her hurting eyes to his. “It hurts!”

        “Exactly, it hurts. Please do not ever hurt me with your words again. Promise me.”

        Alyssa was trying her hardest not to cry as she answered. “I promise.”

        “I promise the very same thing to you. I love you so much you really hurt me.” Justin kissed her forehead missing the wincing of her eyes, “Dana is wondering where you are but you're not going to see her looking like that.” He held her hand, dragging her out to his car.

        Alyssa was acutely aware of all the students that had witnessed her embarrassing moment. “Justin, everyone's going to get the wrong idea about us,” she bravely said after they had left the school parking lot.

        “I just asked you to stop hurting me.”

        “I don't mean to.” she squeaked nervously clutching her backpack.

        “Every time you deny your feelings for me, it hurts. Can't you understand there's no one I want more than you? I am yours for all eternity. Just say the words. Say how you really feel about me.”

         The way he kissed me, I thought he was angry. Maybe he was but now he just sounds like he's suffering. “I-I'm sorry. I can't give you what you want. I don't want to hurt you, but I can't.”

        “At least look me in the eye when you say it. That way I'll know you mean it.”

        She shook her head.

        “Look at me and say it Alyssa.”

        Alyssa bravely lifted her head and found his stormy eyes. Momentarily, she looked away but knew she had to say it and met them again. “I don't think we can be friends anymore because I cannot accept your feelings. I cannot ever be more than that. I'm sorry.”

        “Get out.” His voice was as cold as Aviva’s with those words. Alyssa did as he asked, then watched as he peeled off up the street. Thankfully, they hadn't gone very far at all. It was only a couple of blocks until she reached the school. Time much needed to try to pull herself together.

        “Alyssa! Where have you been? I was just about to tell you about the dress I made for the black & white masquerade ball.” Dana stated just as she sat down.

        Masquerade? Oh right. The one that's held at City Hall for the adults and the community center right beside it for the teens on October thirtieth every year since sometime in the nineteenth century according to Mrs. McKellar. A few years ago, they decided to make it black and white, so it stayed unique considering homecoming was a formal event as well. I had looked forward to it. No, I still look forward to it. Justin and I should have never been friends from the start. I should have listened to Dana. I am better off. I know I am.

        “Alyssa, you still aren't listening. What's wrong?” Dana asked with a furrowed brow.

        Alyssa shook her head, “Nothing.”

        “Nothing? I can tell just by looking at you that you're lying.”

        Alyssa stared at the grass between her fingers as she told the truth. “There's something I should tell you. I had decided to let Justin be my friend only his feelings for me,” as she said the words her chest began to hurt with every breath taken. “He wants more than that and I just can't give him what he wants.”

        “Of course, you can't! You should have never agreed to be friends with him either. You know what he is. Don't feel sorry or guilty for a creature like that.” Dana huffed angrily. “Just forget all about him.”

        “You're right. I will forget all about him.” I will pretend we never met, that there's no such thing as vampires.

        Dana smiled, recognizing the mutual agreement in Alyssa's eyes. “Great, is your dress ready?”

        “Yes, ordered and delivered. I love my dress and I am not one for dresses really.” She smiled picturing it in her mind, the beautiful gold beading in the waist and the shimmering metallic design over the silky white fabric. “Very elegant, very expensive but my mother was so excited about it there was no stopping her.” Well, that's part of the reason. The other part was because I could just imagine myself blending in with Justin's ballroom, being a perfect fit. No, I'm not going to think about him. I'm not.

                “Now that we're fully equipped with our frappes, I will take the time to explain everything to you way back there in the corner if you don't mind.” Alyssa said walking to the furthest table in Teddy's Café.

        Paul followed. “Not at all.” he said with a weak smile.

        Alyssa had noticed Paul wasn't being the enthusiast she was so used to being around. “So here it goes.”

        “Before you start, I saw what happened after class with Justin.” Paul looked genuinely concerned.

        “You saw. Just forget that you saw anything. I'm trying to forget it too.” Alyssa answered honestly.

        “I won't stand back and let him hurt you.”

        “Paul, haven't I told you not to worry about me? Besides,” I'm the one hurting him, she continued silently. “I can take care of myself. I'm alright. So, are you ready to hear about my wonderful life in SK?”

        Paul sighed heavily, a sign of defeat. “You win. Tell me all about it.”

        “My childhood in SK was a very painful one. Every memory I have is a bad one. When I was little in preschool things were fine but the older I got, the more they decided that my red hair was reason enough to make my life miserable, especially this girl In-Na. Moon, In-Na. She took delight in humiliating me. I had a flashback when you sang to me. About the time she led our classmates to sing it at me while calling names. I had finally gotten the courage to invite them over for a party and it all blew up in my face. I was so happy when I heard we were moving but also terrified I would have to deal with the same kind of treatment. Thankfully, I met some really great friends when I moved to California.”

        “That sounds horrible. Seriously, I'm sure things are different now. Lots of teens dye their hair.”

        “That may be true, but I have no intention of ever returning to Korea. My family over there treated me like the plague. That hurt just as much.”

        “You're never going again because your family sucks and so do all the kids you went to school with?”

        “Exactly,” she answered honestly.

        Paul smiled wickedly. “Maybe your frappe needs some Irish cream?”

        Alyssa laughed, slapping his arm playfully, “Liquor isn't the way to happiness. Living is. Just living.”

        “Even though it was rough, you had your parents and Cynthia.”

        “Yes, they helped me as best as they could. I couldn't have asked for better parents. When I told them that no one wanted to come to my party they took me to an amusement park. We had so much fun. I was able to not see the looks and hear hushed whispers while we were together.”

        “Ah, so not every memory was a bad one.”

        “No, not every memory. I stand corrected.”

        “I absolutely love it there! The people. The culture. The karaoke. Maybe if we went together you could see it through my eyes.” he said with a wink.

        “Not gonna happen. I have no intention of being where I’m not wanted.”

        “Come on. We can visit the amusement parks again.”

        “I'll think about it.”

        “I’ll take that as a yes. This calls for a toast to great food, culture and amusement parks!” Paul held up his cup. “Geonbae!”

        “Cheers!” Alyssa laughed heartily taping their cups together.

 

                “I can't believe they couldn't have that masquerade ball when I was there. You're going to look fabulous with your hair out of your face. I think you should do a messy up sweep for half with a white flower the perfect accessory. You still have it from when I lent it to you right?”

        “Yes, Jenny.” Alyssa answered watching her doing a visual summary with her own hair.

        “Great. Make sure you have curls too. Everyone is going to die when they see you. Oh!

How unfair I can't be there! We would have stolen the show together!” Jenny pouted.

        “I know. That just means you have to have your very own masquerade party for your birthday.”

        “You're absolutely right. I must.” Jenny agreed in a dignified manner.

        “Well, I must get my beauty rest for the party. I'll talk to you later okay?”

        “Night,” Jenny said before Alyssa shut it down.

        She slowly walked over to the window and sat down. “Two weeks,” she mumbled to herself. She had told herself she would forget about Justin but couldn't seem to actually manage to do it.  Jenny has supported her decision agreeing it was for the best as well. Even that feeling of justification couldn't take his image out of her mind these past couple of weeks. If he wasn't so cold to her maybe it would have been easier. She never stared at him in class or anything but whenever she was clearly in his view, he looked the other way. It bothered her even though she knew she had no right to be bothered. Was he going to the masquerade? Previously he had agreed so he could see the dress she kept bragging about over lunch spent in Nell Valley one afternoon. That seemed like so long ago. Why is it that my heart aches when I remember all of those things? Why is it the harder I try to forget the more I remember? She peered into the darkness outside her window. Could he be out there waiting like he somehow always was? I'm just going to make sure he isn't, she told herself walking downstairs and out into the chilly night air. She looked where she usually found him just at the edge of the trees. No one was there. “Good. I'm glad. I'm glad you're not here.” she said softly as pain stabbed her chest. She dropped to her knees as tears filled her eyes. 

        “Don't do it.” Aviva warned Justin. “Don't go to her.”

        Justin spun around to find her floating not too far from him as he watched Alyssa from high above the woods. “What are you doing here?” he snapped.

        Aviva's eyes narrowed. “I was just wondering where it was you always run off to. Now I know. Even though she can't accept you, you still choose to come here and see her? Since when were you this pathetic?”

        Quicker than lightning he had her by her throat. “You dare to speak to me like that! Have you forgotten your place?”

        “It's right beside you. Just like it always was. She made her choice!” Her eyes showed strength, determination, and anguish.

        “You can never be what Alyssa is to me. Now get out of here before I rip your head off.” Justin carelessly tossed her away from him turning back to Alyssa. He knew she was hurting for him, but the decision was hers. All she needed to do was to admit the truth then they both would have exactly what they wanted. All you must do is say the words. Just say them and I'm yours, he silently pleaded, unable to drag his eyes away from her sobbing body.