SIXTEEN

Thanks to Cain's advice, Abby was able to do fine during the rest of the show and the interview with Monstaz had gone well. She didn't think she had done as well as Cain would have but at least she had done the best she could and she was happy with that. Abby knew however that this was just barely the beginning. Being an idol was only going to bring her a new challenge every day and with those challenges would come her Anxiety and possibly even some panic attacks. Lately it seemed like the only time she really had to rest from her Anxiety was when she was sleeping. Because once she awoke a new problem always seemed to arise. Just like that morning when she woke up and found out that she was going to have to do a Vlive with Abel and Josiah.

Abby had watched Vlive's before so she knew how they typically went. And it wasn't like the Vlive's were going to be hard for her to do, at least she didn't think so. Many fans would be watching her but she wouldn't be able to see any of them, only their comments. Because of this she wouldn't be getting a panic attack, at least not one that was caused by her Agoraphobia. Cain was her bias and she knew his personality so all she would have to do was try acting like him. She was never really good at acting but so long as she tried not to act too out of character, everything was going to be fine. The important thing was that she didn't end up making Cain look like a whole other person. Abby's only problem was that she was going to have to do the Vlive with other members.

Doing a Vlive with others meant that interaction would be expected and with that came physical touching. She didn't like being touched and she knew that with members being there, being touched was inevitable. The fans liked skinship, they craved it. And they had to feed that craving because they wanted fans to be happy. Abby even used to be one of those fans that loved to see such things. She used to squeal everytime members in Adam would either hug or hold one another. And those things were always done on Vlive's.

Abby had texted Cain in the morning to tell him about the Vlive. He told her not to worry about it too much and that he was going to be watching so that if she felt she needed help during it, she could get off camera and text him. She wasn't sure if she was going to be able to do that but she was going to take up his offer and text him in the case of her needing his help. The only good thing about Abel and Josiah being there with her was that they could stay on the camera while she was off it. But she knew that fans were going to expect to see Cain just as much as they expected to see Abel and Josiah so getting off camera too much wasn't going to be possible.

Out of all the things that could be done on a Vlive, Abel and Josiah wanted to do a cooking show/competition. Abby had suggested a Q&A with the fans since she felt it was the safest thing to do but she got outvoted by the two. So it had been decided that the three were going to cook a dish and have the other two taste test and vote on whose food tasted best. The taste testing alone was already going to be a problem for her. Abby didn't eat food cooked by others, except for her mom's. But if she was going to have to do so for the Vlive, she was just going to have to make sure that both Abel and Josiah washed their hands well along with all the ingredients they were going to be using.

Abel was going to make grilled pork belly and Josiah was going to make chicken bulgogi. Abby wasn't Korean so she didn't know much about cooking Korean foods. Her only choice was to make the only Korean dish she knew how to make, grilled salmon in a spicy Korean marinade. It was easy to make and she still remembered how to make it. She only knew how because it was Jun's favorite dish. He had taught her how to make it while they were dating and they used to eat it together often. She didn't like doing anything that reminded her of him since he was in her past, a past she wanted to forget but for this occasion she was going to have to use a skill he had taught her.

The van that was taking them to buy their ingredients had arrived. Josiah wanted to sit next to her but she told him she was feeling gassy and so he went to sit in the front with Abel, leaving her all alone in the back.

"You didn't seem to be gassy back in our room. You've actually been smelling better if you ask me." 

Abby didn't know why but sometimes it seemed almost like Abel doubted her or at least questioned her like he was at that moment.

"I have? I guess it's probably the new body wash I've been using, either that or my new cologne."

"I've seen you spraying that cologne on your clothes all the time. Did your GIRLFRIEND get it for you?" 

She didn't know why Abel emphasized the word girlfriend but she knew it was better not to react to it and instead just act normal.

"Yup. I guess she has good taste if I've been smelling better."

"I wish I had a girlfriend but everyone always seems to think of me as just a child. I wish I were more like you hyung. Teach me your ways."

It seemed like either Josiah had forgotten all about her telling him she was gassy or he just didn't care because he had gotten out of his seat and had taken the seat next to her. She moved away from him just a bit so it wouldn't be noticeable but enough so that he wouldn't end up touching her. She was wearing a jacket so her arms were covered but ever since she had started staying at the dorms, she hadn't been able to wash her clothes as often as she used to when she was living at her apartment.

"Don't teach him a thing! Joel would get mad at you if you do, Siah is his baby and he isn't going to want to become a grandpa so soon." 

It always seemed to her like everyone in Adam and even the fandom as a whole were all so overprotective of Josiah but she could see why, he was such an adorable baby! She would even adopt him if she could. That smile and those dimples could melt anyone's heart. But Josiah was no longer the same kid he was when they debuted, he was going to be turning 20 soon and it was normal for him to want to date at that age. 

"Don't worry, I won't teach him a thing but he can still get himself a girlfriend if he wants." 

What she really wanted to say was that he couldn't get a girlfriend because Cain was already his boyfriend but she couldn't say that because she was now Cain. But at least Cain hadn't lied to her, if Josiah was saying he wanted a girlfriend then that only meant CaJo really wasn't real. It broke her fangirl heart but there was nothing she could do about it.

Abby had taken one of her pills before having left the dorms. But she still had her "to go bag" with her, she never left anywhere without it. She had been holding onto it tight during the whole drive but was holding onto it even tighter as she walked into the grocery store. Just having that bag of pills with her and holding onto them made her feel a bit calmer. Because those pills were basically there in case she ended up needing help. Help she thought she might need since she hadn't been grocery shopping since the Coronavirus and she was scared that she would end up getting a panic attack.

Those pills weren't the only help she took with her though. There had been enough room left in her bag for a few disinfectant wipes and the "cologne" Cain had gotten her. She took them with her because she knew she was going to have to touch food items that others had touched. And she couldn't wear gloves since Abel and Josiah were going to be there. So the best she could do was use those wipes and disinfectant spray before touching anything there. She just had to make sure that neither Abel or Josiah were around when she used them. 

Not everything could be sprayed or wiped though, not the spring onions or coriander she was going to be needing. For those she was planning on grabbing with plastic bags. But those plastic bags were going to have to be sprayed from the outside before she even touched them.

"Hyung, I can't decide what seasoning to get for the chicken. Will you help me out?" 

Josiah almost grabbed hold of Abby's arm but she moved away just fast enough and pretended to point out at something. 

"Ah! I think the gochujang sauce is over there! I need it for my salmon." 

She quickly walked to where she had pointed at but Josiah followed after her. 

"You're going to put gochujang on salmon? Is that good?" 

"Surprisingly it is. My ex--" 

She was about to say that her ex boyfriend had taught her the recipe but stopped when she remembered that she was supposed to be Cain. 

"Your ex?" Josiah looked at her confused.

"My experience using it on other foods proved to be successful so I tried it out on salmon and liked it ever since." 

She was glad she was able to come up with a good save. Gochujang was used on various foods so what she said could be believable, to anyone but Abel that is.

"I didn't know you cooked enough to even have an experience with cooking. So other than gochujang, what else are you putting on your salmon?" 

Abby hadn't noticed that Abel had been standing next to them. It almost seemed like he appeared out of nowhere. 

"Abel, when did you get here?" 

"Trying to avoid my question now?" He raised an eyebrow at her.

"No. I just hadn't seen you there so you surprised me. And to answer your question, other than gochujang I will be using soy sauce, honey, sesame oil, sesame seeds, spring onions and coriander. But I was wondering if I should serve it with rice and seaweed since they go well together." 

"You sound like an expert. Who taught you this recipe?" 

"My mom." 

"Your mom is bad at cooking and hardly ever cooks, you told me that. Don't you remember?" 

Crap. She had messed up. 

"Did I say mom? I meant my grandma." 

"Suuure you did. Well I got everything I needed so I'm going to check out now. You two better hurry up otherwise my ingredients will go bad and I'll blame you if I end up losing."

Now that Abel had left, Abby just needed to get rid of one more person.

"Josiah, could you please get the rice and seaweed for me? Maybe you'll find something for yourself along the way. And if you want I could even share the gochujang with you." 

She was standing in front of the gochujang but she couldn't get it while he was there, not when she still hadn't sprayed it or wiped it. She needed a reason for him to leave her alone and there was no better way to do so than to send him to get her some of the things she needed. 

"Sure thing hyung." 

Finally with no around, she took out a disinfectant wipe and cleaned one of the containers of gochujang. Once she had wiped it down, she took out the small bottle of cologne and sprayed it all over the container. She was finally able to touch it but just as she reached out for it so did someone else and their hands touched. Abby pulled her hand away and turned to see whose hand had just touched hers. She was surprised to see that it was Jun's. 

For years they hadn't seen each other yet this was the second time that week that she ended up running into him. It almost felt as if he were stalking her although she didn't really think that was the case. It was just pure back luck.

"Gochujang? Will you be eating that with salmon?" 

Abby didn't know why she did but she nodded. She should have really just ignored him.

"So Abby still eats my favorite food then? That must mean she still has some feelings for me." 

She couldn't help but burst out laughing at this. He couldn't possibly believe that, it must have been a joke.

"Why are you laughing? I think it should be me that should be laughing. Abby is dating you yet she's obviously still not over me." 

Jun couldn't have been anymore wrong. He just had an inflated ego. She had been over him years ago.

"You really think that after six years she would still not be over you? Even after everything you did to her?"

She had been laughing just a few seconds ago but remembering all the pain he had caused her almost made her feel like she would break into tears. And it wasn't because she had any lingering feelings for him, at least not the romantic kind of feelings. She hated his guts and that love she once felt for him disappeared just like he had disappeared out of her life. But he had hurt her and that was pain that could never be forgotten. It was the worst kind of pain Abby had ever felt, abandonment.

"Are you crying now? Is it because I was right? Does she perhaps yell out my name while you're fucking her?" 

He was trying to mock her but all he was really doing was making her feel disgust. She felt like throwing up. She didn't know why this guy just couldn't leave her alone. He had left her life long ago, so why was he suddenly appearing in her life again? He obviously didn't know that she was Cain but just the fact that he thought Cain was her boyfriend and yet he was doing this, it was maddening to her. 

"Just fuck off and leave both me and her alone! If she's dating me it's obviously because she's over you!" 

She pushed Jun with all her might and grabbed the gochujang she had disinfected. Never had she thought of dating someone else as "moving on" but if that was what it really was, then perhaps she really hadn't moved on. She was after all still letting him ruin her life till that day since it had been because of him that she had given up on love and lost all hope in it.

Abby had all her things and was in line but the line was too long and it seemed like the cashier was taking too long to scan the items. Not only were crowded places bad for her but long lines were as well. She needed to stay in one place but she really just felt like escaping and being anywhere but there. 

The room had started to spin as her heart started to beat faster. She had started sweating as well and because of that the things she was holding seemed like they would slip away at any second. She hadn't gotten a cart or a basket because that only meant touching more things that had germs. Even if she had cleaned the cart or basket, they would have still felt dirty to her.

No one there would be able to tell what Abby was feeling at that moment. They would look at her and all they would see would be just another person in line. But for her, it almost felt like she was dying. It was getting harder to breathe and a full panic attack seemed inevitable. She wanted to call Josiah and ask him to stand in line for her, she couldn't take it anymore. But with all the things she was holding at that moment, there was no way she could take out her phone without the things she was carrying falling to the floor. 

She tried to close her eyes so that she would at least not be able to see what was causing her anxiety, the line. That however did not work as whoever was behind her had shoved her when she hadn't moved along with the rest of the line. She hadn't noticed but the person behind her had been calling her multiple times to tell her that the line was moving.

"I'm sorry. I can't." 

Abby left all the things she had with her inside a basket nearby. 

She looked for a sign for the restrooms but her vision had become too blurry that she wasn't able to decipher a thing, not even the figure that was walking in front of her. She ended up bumping into someone who was looking down at their phone. 

"Hey. Watch where you're going. Huh? Cain? We've been looking for you. Where were you? Josiah is already inside the van. He got your rice and seaweed."

It was Abel. She had bumped into him, meaning that they had touched. But instead of feeling anxious like she normally would, the only thing she felt was relief. Because when you're already feeling anxious, the only other thing you can feel is relief. And in this case Abel was her relief. She quickly hugged him without even thinking.

Abby hadn't realized that she was crying or that she was hugging Abel but he did. He wiped her tears with his shirt and then hugged her back. 

"I don't know why you're crying right now. And I don't know why you've been acting differently these past few days but know that you'll always have me. You can count on me and tell me anything." 

She couldn't though. She couldn't tell him that she really wasn't Cain, he wouldn't believe her. No one would. The only one she could really count on was Cain and that was only because he was in the same situation as hers. But even though she couldn't tell Abel who she was, there was one thing he could still help her with. 

"Can you please get my stuff that I left in a basket? I'll give you the money, here." 

With shaky hands, Abby took out the crumpled Wons from her jeans pocket. She hated the fact that she needed to touch money since that's what was given to them by EVE but she had made sure to spray it all with disinfectant spray.

"Sure." 

He took the money from her and proceeded to find the basket that had her things.

Abel noticed the money seemed somewhat damp and he didn't think it was from Cain's tears. The money also somehow smelled clean to him, almost like how Cain had been smelling the past few days. It didn't make sense to him but there was something definitely up with Cain, how he had acted just now wasn't normal of him. It almost seemed as if he had been scared and he had never seen him look that scared before.

He was paying for the items when he saw the reason why Cain might have been crying, it was Jun. He was standing in the next line over. He was his girlfriend's ex so if he had told Cain something, it would explain him having cried. He didn't know what exactly the guy would have needed to tell him to make him cry but Abel was almost sure that Jun was culpable. He was going to have to ask Cain to make sure though.

Abel had gotten to the van but Cain was still not there. He had assumed that's where he was going to go when he asked him to pay for his stuff. Wherever he was, they were going to have to wait for him. He only hoped he hadn't gotten into another fight with Abby's ex like he did at their favorite café. He could end up getting in big trouble not only for dating but for getting in a fight as well. Several minutes had passed and there was still no sign of Cain. He was going to have to get down to look for him. Both him and Josiah had already called him but he hadn't answered either of their calls and that worried him.

"Josiah stay here. I'll look for him but you should keep calling him and if he answers tell him that I'm looking for him."

It didn't take long for Abel to find him because where Cain was there was a crowd of what seemed to be fans. There were maybe around thirty teenage girls surrounding him. They were all pushing each other to get to him. Every one of them was either asking for a selfie or an autograph and Cain seemed panicked. It looked like he just wanted to get out of there but didn't know how. He wondered why he hadn't just called their driver who was also in a way their bodyguard. He had no doubt Mr. Yoo would have been able to get rid of all the fans in an instant. Well that didn't matter anymore, he was going to have to be the one to get rid of the fans for him.

"Hey everyone! I see you are all happy to see Cain here but I'm sure you all will be much happier once you see our Vlive later tonight! Cain, Josiah and I will be doing one in just a few hours! And I can already tell you guys that it will be a Vlive to look forward to! You want to know why?!"

"Yeah!" The fans all yelled and started to crowd around Abel. 

"Because we'll be doing a cook off! We actually came here to get our ingredients but they'll go bad if we don't leave soon!" 

"Oh no!" The fans yelled out in unison. 

"But if we leave now I'm sure all the ingredients will be just fine! Right, Cain?" 

Abby is just barely able to nod at this. She had been frozen at the spot that the fans had crowded around. She hadn't known what to do as soon as the first couple of girls had spotted her. And once she had been spotted, it seemed like even more had spotted her and that's how the current crowd had come to be.

Abel had ended up handling everything well since every one of the fans had left and it was just the two of them standing there alone. 

"Why didn't you just call Mr. Yoo?" 

"Mr. Yoo?" 

"Our driver..."  

It always seemed like the person she messed up around most was Abel and Abby didn't know why. It was probably because he was the one that made her the most nervous. Every time she saw him her heart would start to beat faster. And in a way it was almost like her panic attacks since he even almost seemed to take her breath away. The feeling was different of course. It had been a feeling she hadn't felt in a long time but it was a feeling she didn't want to feel.

"Oh. I thought you said Mr. YOU."

"Sure you did. Well next time this happens you call him and he'll handle everything. C'mon, let's go. I wasn't kidding when I said our stuff would go bad." 

"Did you get all of my stuff?" 

"Yes." 

"Thank you and not only for getting my stuff but for everything. For what happened inside and for what you did just right now with the fans."

Cain had thanked him many times before but somehow this time around it seemed somewhat different, just like everything else Cain seemed to say or do was now different. Abel wasn't sure if Cain was going to be able to give him some answers to his sudden change but there was at least one answer he could give him, at least he thought so. 

"Hey, I apologize ahead if this may be a sensitive topic to you but I was wondering...how are things going with your girlfriend? You two doing okay?" 

Abby was surprised by his sudden question. She didn't know why he would even ask her such a thing and all of a sudden too. 

"Uhhh...yea. We're doing fine. Why do you ask?" 

"I saw her ex back there. Did you run into him? Is that--Is that why you were crying?" 

It had somehow hurt Abel seeing Cain cry like that and he had wished he could take away all that pain he saw in him.

"Yea I saw him but I wasn't crying because of him. It's just that my mom called me and told me Mikka was sick." 

Abby came up with the lie so easily and suddenly. She had never considered herself good at acting but she was starting to consider herself a good liar since the lie she came up with seemed like a good one. Mikka was Cain's dog and to him that dog was more like a sibling than a pet, he really loved that dog.

"Oh? Will he be okay? Do you want to go see him? Josiah and I could do the Vlive on our own. You don't have to do it with us if you rather go see your dog."

Abel's offer was tempting to her. She almost felt like saying yes but at the same time she knew it would be wrong to use Cain's dog as a way to get out of doing something. She already felt bad for lying.

"My mom took him to the vet. She said it was nothing too serious, just an infection that was making him throw up. They gave him some medication and he should be fine soon. I was just crying because I wish I could actually take care of him all the time." 

"Infections can happen to any dog. I'm sure your parents take good care of him. You should video chat with him if it would make you feel better." 

Abel's suggestion sounded so sweet to her that she actually wished she could do that despite Mikka not actually being her dog. 

"I think I just might. Anyways, thanks again. You're a good friend." 

For the first time in days, Abby smiled.