05. Secrets

Community High School, 2012

Her father and mother were both active members of their church's evangelical ministry, and the pastor's family is very close to them. She and her sister were taught by their parents about the roles that Christian females should practice, beginning with their attitude and to the way they should carry themselves.

But at fifteen, it was already getting hard for Alexis hiding her feelings especially in terms of the things she preferred. Unlike her sister who was always the prim and proper, Alexis was the one who always failed to follow the rules.

God knows how much she hated wearing skirts on Sundays. She liked jeans over dresses and shoes over sandals. She never learned how to fix her hair, always wearing them in a messy bun, nor learned to knit or walk like a princess just like how her mother taught her to do. Instead, she'd always loved adventures and playing basketball under the scorching heat of the sun. She walked and moved like her father. And she'd imagined having small tattoos on her wrists and a really short hairdo.

Her sister taught she's weird. But that wasn't her priority this time. Her main problem was having a crush on someone for the first time.

This feeling suck, she said in her mind. Dealing with such emotions was completely new to her.

She just woke up feeling it all, consuming it all. It felt like her crush was a trigger for some suppressed emotional and mental state in her system. She sighed. She started to believe that she wasn't normal at all.

She was unmindfully twirling her black cap with her fingers when her classmate walked towards her and interrupted her thoughts.

"Alexis, Jake was able to shoot 3 points today in their practice," Marky said, snapping his fingers in front of her face, "and guess what, they're not yet done. Want to come and watch your sweaty prince play?"

Annoyed, she looked up at him, forcing a smile. She had always been paired up with Jake when the latter had suddenly kissed her in front of everyone before they parted for summer vacation.

That was the first time that she experienced being kissed by a boy. And unfortunately, she didn't like it. Jake was such a bad kisser. She did not remember any heart pounding moments just like how Kelly described it to her when she got her first kiss. For Kelly, it was magical. Hers was a disaster. Even until now, she remembered nothing but slurping and saliva, lots and lots of saliva. Just the thought of it made her feel miserable.

"I don't care, Marky. Besides, I still have to finish Trigonometry," she replied with an irritated look on her face, "I did not answer the assignment at home."

Marky quickly sat beside her and playfully snatched her cap.

"You always wear this cap. Don't you know that wearing a cap every day makes a person bald?"

She rolled her eyes. "That's the most stupid thing I've ever heard."

She grabbed the cap and put it on top of her Trigonometry textbook.

"My father always wears a cap and his head is still full of curly black hair," she argued, doodling small circles at the top of her textbook.

"Fine," he replied, chuckling, "whatever you say."

"You should go and watch," she said, "I'm not really in the mood, especially that Jake is there."

"Why do you despise Jake so much! He's a nice guy," Marky asked. He crossed his legs and dreamily sighed. "Almost half of the population of the girls in this school drool over him. Including me. I'm one of the girls."

Alexis shot him with a cringy face. "Well, I'm not a girl."

Marky stood up and excitedly said, "Hah! I knew it!”

Alexis laughed loudly as Marky ridiculously danced in front of her. But then she noticed that the rest of her classmates were already listening and watching them. She started fidgeting in her seat.

"I was just joking," she said loudly hoping that everybody might hear her and not misinterpret anything, "of course, I'm straight."

"Nah, I don't believe yah," Marky countered, "I know it was you who wrote that compelling essay about the LGBT community. Don't ever deny it," he said pointing a finger towards her accusingly.

She scoffed nervously, "Don't be too judgmental. I'm not the only one who writes essay in this class."

"Yeah but you are the only one who can write essays very, very well."

She chuckled and pinched Marky's cheeks so hard that it made him scream at the top of his lungs. She did not let his cheeks go until they turned bright red.

"Ouch! That hurts," Marky whined loudly, making the rest of their classmates roar into laughter. Apparently, his screaming drew too much attention. Now, most of their classmates were already eavesdropping and laughing together with them.

If their teacher happens to have walked in their classroom, they would have probably been scolded. Their classroom was a total mess. Crumples of paper were scattered on the floor. The chalk board was full of writings, majority were just crappy vandalisms of her classmates. The chairs were all over the place and above all, everyone was noisy. Marky also kept on screaming at Alexis. They were even foolishly chasing each other around now.

They were on that state when her crush entered the room, wearing a perfectly pleated school uniform. Not a crease on the clothes can be seen by the naked eye.

Alexis suddenly stopped. Her eyes swiftly darted on her crush's face. She is suddenly rooted on the ground. The sight of that person literally made her blush.

Marky noticed her drooling. "Hey, you've got a crush on MJ," he blurted out.

Alexis immediately covered Marky's loud mouth with her. "Shut up, dork!" She nervously whispered, "I'll cut your balls using my grandmother's scissors if you'll make a fuss about it."

But it was too late. MJ had already approached their direction.

"Hi, were you calling me?" she coolly asks.

Marky struggled as Alexis buried her hands to his mouth even more.

"N-no. He was just asking me about—about who I was texting the other night," she muttered, "we were texting the other night, right?"

"Oh. Okay," MJ said smiling and looking confused and unconvinced at the same time.

Alexis was already screaming in her mind. MJ totally made her heart pound heavily.

"Don't worry about it," Alexis added.

MJ nodded her head and twitched her lips into a smile, "Okay. Cool. See you around."

Alexis slowly let Marky go. She didn't hear the latter scream about virus getting inside his precious lips because of Alexis' hands. All she could hear was MJ's soft voice and her heart beating like crazy.

"I-I'll text you," she absent-mindedly said as soon as MJ turned her back.

Alexis felt the back of her neck burning. Marky was already laughing behind her shoulder.

"N-No! I-I mean, y-yes—with a group message! You know, stuff like that."

She was so embarrassed that she silently prayed for the floor to swallow her alive.

"Right, I'll wait for your group message then," MJ replied, beaming widely at her. She then turned her back and walked towards her desk.

"What was that?" Marky taunted as soon as they saw MJ already seated several meters from them.

"That was so stupid. I knew it! I shouldn't be sitting beside you, Marky. You are definitely infecting me with your dorky-ness!" she complained, hiding her face with her palms, "I'm so embarrassed."

"You should have seen your face," he said chuckling.

"Please, Marky. Promise me that it's just going to be our little secret. Don't tell anyone."

"How about Kelly?" he asked as he lazily looked at his newly-colored nails.

"She doesn't know," she replied. Feeling a little guilty for hiding such a big revelation from her bestie.

"OMG, Alexis," he said, tapping her desk like a psycho, "You're gay," he said between gritted teeth, "I can't believe it!"

"Geez. I'm still not sure about that so just shut up. Promise me," she said.

"Well, about that," he replied, panting and fanning himself with his hands, "tt actually depends."

"Come on!" Alexis whined.

"You have to do me a favor in return for my silence."

She rolled her eyes, "Seriously, are you my friend or what?"

"Do it or I'll spill your secret out?" he threatened her, raising his eyebrow.

She grumbled. "Fine. What do you want me to do, your highness?" she asked, feeling annoyed.

Marky leaned closer to her ear and whispered, "Let me copy your Trigonometry answers. Then I'll shut up."

"Not again," Alexis replied, burying her face on her desk.

***

"Kelly...if I only knew that we feel the same way about ourselves, I would have been honest with you a long time ago," Alexis whispers in the air.

"Maybe, I would have become braver."

Tears run down her cheeks as she walks down the road, feeling confused and remorseful with the choices she had made with her life.