08. Confusions

I HEAVE A SIGH as I look at MJ whose arms are lazily tucked inside her pockets. She’s wearing a grey sweat pants and a pink hoodie. I have just been telling her some portion of the situation earlier and here we are, debating whether I was being reasonable or not.

We have decided to stop by a spot near a cliff where cold waters linger all throughout the year. Several cars pass by this place but the cliff is kinda safe since a large metal fence is put up in the area. The sea before us exhales cold winds that brush through my face. I feel cold and sad.

And I’m tired already. So, I just try to ignore her and continue to stare at the dark horizon in front us.

I unmindfully bite my lower lip as I pull my braided hair down. I refuse to talk to MJ anymore. Not that I’m not grateful for her efforts of fetching me and saving me from this disastrous evening, but because I’m just too disappointed to have a proper conversation with anyone.

“Babe,” she says, gently cupping my face, “I’m here. I’m gonna take you home now.”

I frantically shake my head, “I don’t wanna go home.”

She raises her eyebrows and replies, “Why?”

Right. Why?

“I don’t really know,” I say as I rest my hands in the cold metal before us, “I usually spend my Friday evenings at Kelly’s. So, if I’ll go home now, everybody will stick their noses out and I know I’ll have to explain the whole situation.”

She scratches her left cheek and ponders for a moment. “Why don’t you tell them anyway?”

That Kelly’s gay? No way.

“I-I just can’t explain everything,” I say dismissively.

“Then don’t explain everything.”

Sigh.

“MJ, it doesn’t work that way,” I reply, feeling irritated by now, “you see, Kelly is like my parents’ own daughter. They’ll know that something is seriously off between the two of us and poof! They’ll start meddling in our affairs.”

I just don’t want to face everyone at home bringing the heaviness of Kelly’s dirty secrets. I know I cannot lie from my parents.

And this fight is just too heavy. It might ruin her, or the friendship that we have invested for such a long time. I don’t want that to happen, regardless…

“Okay, I’m sorry,” she says, tucking some strands of my hair behind my ear, “but, I’m really worried for you now. Where are you gonna retire for the night?”

I shrug. I look at myself and realize that I’m still wearing my uniform at work. And now that that idea suddenly sinks in on my head, I feel the disappointment wash all over me again.

“Shall I bring you to your boyfriend’s place now?”

“Don’t,” I say, shaking my head again.

MJ draws a heavy breath. I shot a lingering look at her face and notice that she is biting the insides of her left cheek, suddenly lost in her thoughts. Poor thing. She doesn’t anymore know what to do with me.

“Are you worried about me, MJ?”

She rolls her eyes, forcing a sarcastic chuckle. “Do you think I’d be here if I don’t?”

I bite my lower lip again. “I wish… I wish Gab also knows how to read me like you do.”

“I already told you, boys are dumb when it comes to body language,” she replies, “next time, you directly tell him what you want him to do.”

I scratch my head as I stubbornly kick a lonesome stone on the ground. “I just want him to pay a little more attention to me, you know.”

Silence.

“Come on, let’s go home,” she says as she gently grabs my hand. She then leads me to her motorcycle.

“Babe, I don’t wanna go home,” I say, my shoulders drop as I tighten my grip unto my shoulder bag.

“I’ll take you home,” she says as she starts the engine. Her feet are carefully planted on the ground to support her weight on the motorcycle.

“Come on,” I whine, “You don’t understand! Besides, it’s an hour-drive away from our house. Maybe I’ll just stay in a motel.”

I then rummage through my bag and hastily check my wallet for some money bills.

“Babe, just get on the motorcycle, please,”

I sigh and silently settle myself on her vehicle. “I told you I don’t wanna go home, nor go back to Kelly’s place, or at Gab’s. I don’t wanna talk to all of them,” I say, mustering all the stubbornness in my head.Oh please, don’t let this girl add to my burdens, I say to myself.

“Who says I’m gonna take you to either of them?”

My jaw drops. “Then where the hell are you taking me?”

“We’ll spend the night at my place,” she says, handling me back the extra helmet she lent me earlier, “so, no need not to crash into some unsafe motels.”

**

Gab’s calls have been directly sent to voicemails.

I’ve been ignoring him again because I’m still mad. I just sent him a text message saying that I have crashed into a friend’s house, and strictly reminded him not to tell my parents or Kelly about it. He’s mad, too. But I’ve got no energy to deal with that anymore. So, I just toss my phone on the bed and amuse myself looking around MJ’s little abode.

“I’m sorry if the place is just a small one,” she says as she approaches me. She’s holding a clean towel on her hand a big tee with a large Naruto face on it, “will you be fine if you just wear my boxers and this tee?”

“You wear boxers?” I ask, smiling.

She sends me an awkward chuckle; her back is turned against me as she fixes her bed. “Yeah, I feel comfortable on them.”

I smile at her and apologize for the inconvenience that I brought her. She just rolls her eyes and pushes me to her tiny comfort room.

“You can wash your undies so that you can wear it clean tomorrow,” she says, “I’ll get us dinner.”

I smile to myself as soon as I was alone inside the CR. But my thoughts are suddenly bothered again when I remember the problem at hand. My smile fades. Why do we have to end up like this? I ask myself. Why do we have to end up in families where being gay is a slap to our parents’ faces? Why do we have to hide in isolation and force ourselves to act according to what our beliefs dictate? How can I help Kelly when I don’t even know how to help myself? I’m not even certain if she needs saving—maybe it’s me who needs saving. I have been trying to save myself for many years now, and I don’t honestly know how to help myself anymore.

And Gab—I don’t know if I’m still happy with him. And I’m not so sure if he still feels happy with me as well. Look at me now, I’m at MJ’s place, and I’m gonna spend the night alone with her.

I’m just afraid that things will get mixed up and—sigh. I don’t even want to think about it. God. What have I gotten myself into?