Only Human

The loud shouting of an argument is what woke me up. I slowly opened my eyes, squinting in an attempt to sharpen the blurred images before me. I glanced around the room to try and find the source of the loud noises that were causing my head to hurt. My eyes landed on a very furious looking man who I recognised to be Alex. He looked exhausted. His hair was a mess and his suit looked like it had been to hell and back. He’d stayed and worried about me all night. I giggled under my breath. Oh god. I did I just giggle? What was this man doing to me? And I didn’t think I hated it either.

I tried to pay attention to what they were arguing about. He seemed to be shouting loudly a woman who seemed to be in her late 40s. She had smooth dark brown hair that only reached her shoulders and beautiful ocean blue eyes. If she was 20 year younger I’m sure she would of been stunning. 

But before I could take my time to fully take in her beauty, I was distracted by Alex’s shouting. He looked very angry and was practically screaming at the woman who I was guessing worked here. He bright red in the face of stress and anger. It seemed that the woman, who I had figured out was my doctor, was trying (and terribly failing) to explain my apparently critical condition to him. But with ever word she said the more angry Alex seemed to get. At this point I wouldn’t be surprised if they broke out into a physical fight. And it was painfully obvious who would win if they did. This was all my fault, so I made an attempt to calm him down.

“Hey Alex look I’m fine. Don’t be mad. I know what did was stupid.” I confessed looking down at my chest ashamed. I just really wanted to know. I didn’t think I would cause this much trouble. I was on the edge of crying. I messed up. He probably was angry at me.

“Bells your awake! I’m so glad! What’s wrong?” He rushed over to me to see if I was actually ok. When he saw the tears in my eyes he tilted my head up waiting for me to speak.

“I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to! I-I just a-acted on impulse. Please don’t h-hate me.” I cried stumbling over my words. I knew I probably sounded crazy but I was wasn’t ready for him to leave. I knew I was a mess and no one wants me but I didn’t want to be abandoned again. I think if it ever happened again I think I would just break. Even if I was being greedy, I just wanted him to stay just a little longer with me then I swear I would be able to let him go. Was that honestly too much to ask for?

He turned away from me and glared at the woman, “Get out.” He then turned to look at me.

“Oh no Bells, I’m not mad. I was just really scared. You have nothing to be sorry for.” He pulled me into a hug and let me cry on his shoulder. 

“R-really your not mad?” I said quietly, only half believing him. Them was no way he was mad! I was honestly surprised he hadn’t hit to the floor until I was bleeding.

“Of course I’m not. You just have to promise me you won’t do that again ok? Hurting yourself to get something is very bad and dangerous. You were unconscious for two whole days!” He said with a soft but firm voice, making sure I knew the seriousness of the matter.

“O-ok. I promise I won’t do it again.” I sniffed. I buried my face in his coat while he stroked my hair and whispered sweet nothings and pet names in my ear in an attempt to soothe me.

“Isn’t it weird?” We had had been in that position for a while now and I had finally calmed down.

“What’s weird, darling?” He replied pulling out of our hug so he could see my face. I missed his warmth.

“How I’m already so attached to you.” I said shyly. I waited for his reply. Although I knew he was probably agree, a tiny bit of me secretly hoped he wouldn’t.

“Do you think it’s weird, Bells?” He softly said. He looked straight at me waiting for a response. My face went a rosy pink and I looked down. I fidgeted with my fingers and I and shyly nodded my head.

“Use words, darling.” He commanded with an air of dominance. There was no room for disagreement.

“Um no I don’t. I actually quite like it.” I mumbled under my breath. Why did I have to say it out loud? This was so embarrassing.

“Good. So do I. To be honest I’ve never gotten so close to some one else so quickly before but I think I won’t regret it with you. Who knows, it might be the universe telling us something.” He smiled softly at me. I didn’t know what he meant by ‘the universe telling us something’ but the way he said it told me that it was something good. I giggled and launched at him for a hug and he engulfed me in his strong, secure arms. He chuckled at my sudden excitement. Soon I drifted off to sleep in his arms.

I felt Alex shaking me gently. I groaned and turned the other way. I didn’t care if the world was on fire, a girl needed her sleep. After refusing to get up, Alex lose his patience very quickly and decided to just pull the blanket completely off me. I sat straight up when I felt the freezing cold air hit my warm skin.

“It’s cold!’ I wined. Then I tried to snatch my warm blanket back. 

“Uh huh. I know. But that was the only I could a certain sleepy head to wake up.” Alex laughed. Since when did he know how to tease?

“Fine I’m up now! I want my blanket back!” I tried to grab his hand but instead I pushed him on to the bed. My plan worked! Now he’s trapped!

“I see your playing dirty. But you’ll never win it back!” We rolled around on the bed laughing and giggling. Finally I was straddling him with my hands either side of  his head. I had won back the blanket.

“Accept defeat peasant.” I said exhausted. It hadn’t been a easy battle but I did it! Just as I was going to start bragging a nurse walked in. She looked at us strangely. I followed her gaze. Then I realised the position Alex and I were in. My face turned bright red and I stumbled over my words as I tried to explain.

“This isn’t what it looks like! He stole my blanket and I was trying to get it back and-” Just as she was starting to understand the situation, I looked back at Alex desperately for help, but all I saw was his wicked smirk as he did his next action. Alex knocked my arms so that I fell flat on his firm chest.

“Sorry you walked in on us. She likes it rough.” The nurse and I opened our mouths in shock. This idiot did not just say that. Those words did not just come out of his beautiful lips. After the nurse rushed out the room saying something like she had  somewhere to be. I groaned as I hide my burning face in his chest. 

“God I hate you.” I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life. I couldn’t imagine what that nurse must of been thinking. 

He laughed at my reaction. “Aww did I make my princess embarrassed? What can I do to make it up to you?” He said using a pet name on purpose to make me redder. I think I’m about to explode!

“Go get me take away and cookie dough ice cream!” I demanded staring at him intensely with my emerald eyes. 

“Alright. Alright. I’ll be back in an hour because the nearest take away is a few miles away so don’t get in any trouble.” He pulled me in for a brief hug then left the room with his coat and cars keys. 

Suddenly the door opened again.

“Did you forget-who are you?” I questioned as a lady I didn’t recognise entered my room. She simply smiled and dragged a chair next to me. Seriously what was it with people entering my room without permission and making themselves at home!

“Hello Bella, I’m Dr. Byrne. I’m one of the doctors of the mental health department of this hospital. And because you have domestically and emotionally abused for the last few years, I will help you get through any trauma you still might be going through.” She explained softly to me. She seemed nice but I wasn’t ready yet. No that wasn’t true I just had been hiding it for so long that I didn’t know how express myself. I had be fine so far. I didn’t need any help.

“Im perfectly fine. Thanks for coming though.” I said quietly in a shaky voice, almost as if I was second guessing myself. I felt exposed and vulnerable and I hated it.

“Bella you need to understand that the best way to overcome trauma is to acknowledge the pain you went all those years. You need to be aware of your scars so you know how to heal them.” I knew she was right but I was scared. So terribly scared. The years of abuse flash across my eyes. I had started crying. I could feel the salty water stinging my eyes. The doctor opened her mouth to speak but I spoke before she could say anything. I knew exactly what she was going to ask.

“Please don’t ask me if I’m ok, I might do something stupid like open up to you, and I’m really tired of getting close to people and watching them leave me like I’m nothing.” I choked out in between my ugly sobs.

Dr. Byrne softened her eyes for a moment, “You were hurt Bella. You were betrayed by the people you trusted most so it’s only natural to feel that way, but you’ve been hiding your pain for so long that you forgot you’re only human. It’s ok to need and rely on other people. It’s ok to take a little time to sort all your feelings out. It’s ok to take your time to be okay, as you learn to keep going a little bit each day.”

I open my eyes widely. I felt my self breakdown as the reality came crashing down on me.   I had only just realised how lonely and emotional everything was. It hurt. It hurt a lot. But I thought I'll was ok simply because I thought it was my burden alone to carry But maybe if I let her in, then I could possibly forget the pain or at least I could move on and live a happier life.

“Where do I start?”

“Anywhere” She simply said, “You can talk about anything. I’m just here to listen.” I took a deep breath and started to talk. Everything would be fine. But before I could start my sentence a man crashed into the room. Seriously!

“Are you Miss Bella [xxx]?” Said the man urgently. 

“Yes that would be me, is there anything I could help you with?” I asked him half annoyed.

“Sorry for barging in unannounced, but there is something about your condition you immediately need to know about.” 

“Don’t worry I’m used to it by now. Now what do you want to tell me?” What could possibly be so important?

Well, my team and I have been analysing all your blood tests. And found something weird. I’ll explain in more detail later but I’m sorry to inform you that-” When he finished the sentence my mind went blank. The world was spinning. This couldn’t be happening. I crashed to the floor.

When I was awake, I was informed that I’d only fainted for 30 minutes because of the shock. Nurses had to remain close to me because every time I thought about it, I started to hyperventilate. Soon Alex came back. I visibly relaxed when I saw him. He rushed towards me and grabbed me into a tight hug.

“Thank God, your ok! I don’t know what I would have done if I had lost you. They called me and said you had an emergency and wouldn’t tell me why over the phone. They said something about only you have the authority to tell people. Anyway, are you honestly ok?” He rambled at an impossible pace. 

“No I’m not ok.” I simply said.

“What can I do help?” Alex said eagerly.

I considered telling him all the monsters I was hiding inside. Maybe he would understand. Maybe he would make everything ok again. But I decided against it. Not because I was scared. Not because I didn’t trust him. Merely because I didn’t want to. I had decided that I would take my time through this. I would cry and I would deny it. Then I would accept it and move on. And when I was finally ready to tell the world about my suffering, I would start with Alex.

This was probably selfish but it had been a long time I had put myself first. So I pulled him into my arms and let the tears he would never know about stream down my face I as said these words...

“Just hold me until the world doesn’t seem so broken.”