32. Completely obscured

Playlist for this chapter;

Sia - Big Girls Cry,

Alessia Cara - Out Of Love,

Backstreet Boys - Incomplete,

-

The worst thing about heartbreak is that, the ones who broke your heart, never leave your head. Rather, they plant themselves there and torture you, no matter how hard you try to get rid of them. Why? Because you built your whole world around them.

-

-

Max must be kidding, he'll surely come back to me tomorrow and everything would go back to normal. Is what I used in assuring myself throughout my stay at the hospital, untill I was discharged a week later.

I label my subconscious a liar, refuse to believe the awful confirmation on my step siblings faces and their mother.

"Max will return because he loves me." I tell  my friends all the time. Because I know he will come back. I fill up my head with false hopes, keeping my emotions high that I'll see him again, because everything seems like a big fat joke.

I waited, I waited even though he did wrong by not informing me, before traveling out in the speed of the night.

I called his phone a thousand times each passing day, but was unable to reach him, because his line always went on voice mail. And I ended up leaving gazillions of voicemails, telling him how much I miss him, and want to see him.

I still believe he is going to come back. Maybe he needs some time to cool off.

This was how everything went.

The following week:

I started schooling again, because I had graduated from the wheel chair to clutches. I could walk with clutches, and my friends were always there for me.

Tristan Gardener begged me to accept him back into my life. Told me he just used the brunette to get me jealous. And since Max was no longer in the picture, I could take him as my boyfriend again.

I had no idea what came over me, but after staring at his faded green eyes that were irritating to me, I bursted into tears because I was fed up with waiting for Max. My friends shooed Tristan away, and Ivy and her League took shots of me crying and posted it on LAHS blog with the tag 'The recuperating from accident and memory loss, Heartbroken Troll of LAHS'. Because news of Max and I dating, and him leaving me spread across the school like wild fire.

Students started making jest of me as they laughed at my expression on the pictures. And it was the first time for as long as I can remember, that I just stood at one spot, unable to speak or move like an idiot, and just let them hurl the insults at me.

It was my step siblings that stood up for me. Evans warnd them not to harass me anymore. And Miranda smashed Ivy's phone into pieces.

That was a huge blow to the crowd because I was never united with my step siblings.

And the other day, when Vivian the Queen Bee of LAHS, slammed my locker door against my face when I was trying to get my books for Calculus, Sarah saw the whole thing and got enraged. She help took me to the infimary, made sure the bleeding on my nose was tended to, and went out to look for Vivian.

Long story short, she made Vivian bleed and gave her a black eye as well. They were both given a week suspension since they ended up in a cat fight.

Even Sam, always look out for me. Hang around me more than his siblings even when I was cold, lonely and depressed from thinking too much about Max.

I still kept my expectations high, because I believe Max will come back.

Untill Graduation day.

I was in the graduation hall with students and parents, watching the seniors being awarded with best students of the year and all, when my friends pulled me away, insisting we go grab some ice cream.

When we returned, kids were taking photos with their friends, parents and all. We saw Dad, Doris and the Mckenzie siblings all together. It was odd because they were engaged in a heated discussion, but quicky chose to fall silent at once when they saw me.

"What is it?" I couldn't hide the tremble out of my voice because I started having the burning sensation he was here, I felt it so bad.

They chose to stay silent, even my friends were acting weird.

"You're keeping something away from me. Max was here?"

The silence and pity in their eyes confirmed it all wordlessly.

"You knew this entire time?" I shifted my hurtful gaze to my friends.

"We were going to tell you." Maggie said, with guilty tears at the brim of her eyes.

"Kate, I am so sorry." Dad took a step towards me, but I recoiled steps backwards, tasting a bile inside my throat.

They had all connived to get me away, so I wouldn't see Max when he was here.

My heart rised, slammed itself against my chest and twisted painfully in my ribcage.

I took two steps towards Sam whose body movement couldn't hide it all, and snatched the pictures he was holding away from him. I hurriedly stared at them one by one, with my hands trembling, as my emotions went haywire.

Max came here, and everyone at school saw him, except me.

It was untill I saw the pictures of him graduating along side Miranda and Evans who they're both ten months ahead of, it was when I saw him smiling broadly with his mom and siblings in his graduation gown and hat, that I finally believed it all. That he's left me for good. He chose leaving over me.

I was practically non-existent to him.

Despite knowing the truth, I wasn't prepared to hear whatever they had to say.

Tears dripped down my cheeks, with my throat contracting and burning as I held Veronica tightly, digging my claws into her skin, to make her feel pain like me.

"We're s-so sorry Kate, you know he can't be with you anymore." Maggie stammered, crying her self.

"You should have stopped him, you all should've pleaded with him to stay. I...I can't live without him!" I chokingly direct this statement to my friends, Dad, Doris and the Mckenzie siblings. Causing all the students and their parents to stared at me like I was a mentally unstabled person.

I released a grimacing in pain Veronica, and took a step back, as my breathing became harsh, unsteady and abarrant.

"Let's go find him, please. He mustn't have gone too far. I need to see him, even if it's one last time." I couldn't control the words erupting out from my mouth. Tears were sliding down my cheeks and my throat felt like I was given chokeholds.

"Stop looking for someone who doesn't want you to find him." Veronica pointed out with sudden anger in her eyes, because she wanted me to accept the fate that, Max has left me for good.

My my shoulders slumped as I fisted my hand against my chest, feeling abandoned and self pity.

The Mckenzie siblings all avoided staring at me, with their lips together in guilty tight lines.

Sarah's bump was starting to become evident, and that day marked her seventeen years on Earth. She was to be homeschooled till she put to birth.

I turned away from them, discarded my clutches aggressively, and started limping away to God knows where, ignoring them all as they called out to me. Because they all betrayed me. And the Judas himself was Maxwell McKenzie.

Blinded by my uninterruptedly flowing tears, I crashed into someone, causing my knees to give out. But the person caught me easily and held me tightly after steadying me on my feet.

"Let go!" I bellowed, trying to break free. It was a guy, and he was tall like Max. I looked up at the person's face with hope in my eyes, and saw the Devil himself.

"I hate you!" I grabbed his shirt, pulling him close to me as much as I could.

"You're a liar." I hit his chest. I still felt all the pain, but I was quite relief he was here.

"You betrayed me, you never loved me did you? You chose leaving over me!" I screamed and pulled my hair with all my might, while his strong arms wrapped tightly around me.

"I want to decapitate you!" I roared like an animal going through the fate of death, choking on hurt, as I got drained out of everything and numbness started ascending upon me.

"Don't stop, Miss Jones. Let it out, let the anger out. Keep hitting if it'd make you feel better. Anger is so much better than pain."

The voice wasn't Max's. It was more masculine, more mature.

And Miss Jones?

I frozed and I snapped my head up.

All my hopes were shattered it because it was no other person than my ex personal body guard, John McCormick.

"You? What do you want here?" I lashed out coldly at him, shaking with fury as I narrowed my eyes in confusion. I was disappointed it wasn't the person I was dying to see.

John responded by staying silent, and stroking on my back.

I wonder what he was doing here, when his services weren't needed anymore, and Dad payed him off.

There was no pity in his eyes, but there was genuine care.

"Answer me!" I sneered at him.

"Cry Miss Jones, cry, hit me. Let it all out." With that, he slammed my head against his chest. And held me tenderly yet firmly.

And I cried to the extent that I could barely form a word. Screamed, let everything out as I tugged and clutched on his shirt, soaking it with my tears and spittle as I felt so small and broken because everyone had witnessed the mentally deranged girl, breaking down in front of them with her heart, shattered into a thousand pieces.

And he held me, cradling my head, speaking into my hair, that I'll be fine.

The Following Month:

The first few weeks, I was an absolute disaster. It felt like someone had reaped my heart out, leaving the empty space in a continually gaping hole. I tried eating, but couldn't. Scared I was going to fall sick after eating. It felt like my soul was dispatched from my body, living me lifeless like a walking doll.

Days and nights turned into a blur of endless tears, violent screams, self destruction - slitting my wrist with knife, vomiting, fighting who ever came to talk or tried to get me out of my room.

The pain he caused me was enough to make me hide.

I layed on my bed, not eating or fussing to take care of my personal hygiene. I deliberately ignore everything around me, focusing more on the aches I'm feeling in my heart.

Heartbreak made my head hurt, caused my  tongue to taste bitter in my mouth.

Talking hurt, breathing hurt, letting my memory lane replay everything, hurt.

I kicked, screamed, tried to force myself to heal. But it was all futile. It made the situation worse. I wanted to kill myself because I was weak when it comes to feelings.

I thought putting the good moments we shared into consideration, would make the pain ease. But it only produced more tears.

How dare he kissed me to know him again, when he knew he was going to leave, how dare him?

I cried, so much. I had no idea a human being could cry as much as I did.

"It hurt so much because I don't have any picture of him, we didn't take any damn picture together. Not even one. Except the one with Nana Jones that got missing from my safe." I cried into Molly's chest the day she came visiting.

She listened to my ramblings about Max, nodded, wiped my tears away and hugged me.

Even rowdy James stayed quietly at one side of my bed, hands clutching a stuffed toy as he watched me with a weird expression that I have never seen on his face before.

Max left me, to wallow in pain, to turn into a crying mess.

He walked out the door with no looking back, with no regrets.

It was impossible to get over him when the memories with him are still so fresh.

We never should've gotten involved. We were better off as enemies.

He came to me, told me he wanted me, fully aware he was going to use me to his damn satisfaction, and dump me.

Every kiss and touch, the hugs, intensive stares, the intimate moments, all meant nothing to him. He knew he was going to leave me all along. He fucking knew.

I love him so much that I hate him for making me go through all these.

He had told me he was completely in love with everything inside and about me.

Then why did he leave me? Why?

I need answers. Answers he only, can provide.

But he abandoned me, which was a stamp to the fact that he never wanted to see me again.

I need to be able to breath again, to be able to feel myself. Even though everything hurts each day.

First, I did something all girls do during break up. I cut my hair.

The body guards thought I was insane when they saw me stood at one spot, in the courtyard. It was raining harshly that day, with heavy droplets of water and the harsh wind howl the tress, causing me to shiver.

I stood in the rain for a while, reminiscing and crying, that my chokes and sobs got lost in the storm.

Because here, here was the first day I saw him four months ago at our parents wedding reception. We were both putting on black, ditching the clothes we were meant to wear because we had our own reasons for hating our parents being united into matrimony.

"For fucks sake Kate, stop this madness." It was Evans. He was at the entrance of the courtyard, eyes wide with panic as he watched me cried my heart out.

Running into the rain, he swung me up and threw me on his shoulders.

"Christ, you're going to get sick." He felt my head with the back of his hand when we were finally inside.

"We should call the doctor." Miranda suggested, looking uneasily at me.

By that time, the sun had set, and the rain reduced it self into a light drizzle.

Three days later, I took a trip to Lake George. Nana Jones house was still the same, the only difference was that it was empty. Few of her photos of her in her teen with Papa Jones are on the wall, few were with Dad, a semi version of me.

Later, I strolled to the beach. It's a Thursday, so it was less crowded.

A heart clenching smile built up on my face, because I was sadly becoming the person I never want to be. I became the opposite of myself because of the hearbreak.

I was staring at Roger rock, recalling when I dived into the water, swam, experienced near drowness and got rescued by him.

I walked to church a hour later, it was empty as well. And I sat on the exact seat I sat with the Mckenzie siblings and Nana Jones on that day. Everything was still so fresh like it all happened yesterday.

I closed my eyes tightly, fighting the urge to shed tears as I bit on my quivering buttom lip.

I dyed my short bub hair black, and put on transparent green crystalline lens in my eyes, disguising my look so Donovan wouldn't recognize me the day I went to get the Tigress tattoo on my arm. The one Max had said would look good on me.

"You look quite familiar." He had said, cautiously looking at me. Then he narrowed his eyes and scratched the back of his head, as if trying to remember where he saw me but couldn't.

"We haven't met before." I told him, making my voice sound more mature than I could.

He nodded and started his work.

I don't want to talk about the pain of getting a tattoo with the inked needle stabbing into the skin on my arm, but it was much better than the pain in my heart, that transported itself to every on my insides whenever I thought about him.

* * *

"Are you sure about that? This is absolutely not a good idea."

I nod.

"Poor baby, I'm so sorry you have to go through this." Clinton said pulling me into a hug, before handing me the keys when he broke the hug. I chose to visit him the next day, after I got the tattoo.

Releasing the big puff of breath that had expanded my chest earlier on, I unlock the door, and take slow steps into the room.

My heart clenched itself and stayed stiff, because here is were I lost my virginity to him.

The memory of him making slow passionate love to me is what will stay with me till my very last breath.

I layed on the bed, feeling the spot I was on and let my thoughts drift to those intensive intimate moments with him, till I drifted to sleep.

* * *

I went to London the following week, and being on the plane gushed out the memories of the plane crash we both survived. I went to the seashore, thought about how he saved the baby, cried, kissed me. But I didn't cry this time, the pain was felt deeply, but I captured the tears.

My heart somersaulted when my eyes saw a boy whose body build looked exactly like Max. Be was running and I halted whatever I was doing, watching him closely, awaiting impatiently for him to turn so that I could see his face. I gulped my half eaten muffin, quaffed my juice and made sure my hair and clothes where in check, just in case it was him.

A girl came running after the boy, and she jumped on his back.

While laughing, he finally turned to look at my direction with the girl on his back.

My hopes were shattered again, because he wasn't Max.

The small studio apartment we rented was occupied, and I payed the both the Landlord and the house occupant lots of cash to exit the house. I stayed there for some weeks, failing to return home on my seventh birthday, ditched school, and made sure Dad or anyone couldn't contact me.

I wouldn't say I became friends with Charlotte, but we were acquainted. We hung out most times, and I helped with cash to take her Dad to the Rehab for dipsomaniacs, plus he was being attended to medically.

Present. (One week later)

"Miss Jones, there's a letter for you." Madeline my personal maid announces, after knocking softly on my door.

"Bring it." I instruct, my eyes never leaving my nails that I'm coating with black nail polish.

She makes her way in, hands me the letter and takes her leave.

Curiousity gets the best of me, and I take the letter out of the envelope and proceed to read it.

Kate, whosoever decided to send me a letter in this modern day, writes.

I have so many mixed feelings that I can barely know what to write to you at this point. I know that when you read this, you'll be angry and hurt. I know I'm the worst person ever. I know you regret everything with me. I know if you're given the opportunity to kill me, you won't hesitate. I deserve all the hate in the world. But I need you to know that, you were exactly all I wanted. I cannot help loving you and I want you to know that I have never loved someone the way I love you. Despite our love and for us to be together is forbidden, I will continue to love you till I die. The way it was before, between us two, the moments we shared will forever remain in my heart.

I will not deny that everything hurts. It fucking does. The pain increases each day and I know part of me still lives with you, the way part of you remains with me.

I am so sorry that I left, so sorry for the heart ache, the pains, the tears. I am so sorry for what you're going through right now, that I consume myself in self loathe. I did what I did, because I couldn't bring myself to say Goodbye to you. Pushing my self away from you, and creating a huge barrier between us by leaving is the hardest decision I have ever made.

We have to take our separate parts for the best. Because our love is forbidden, it caused a lot of puzzling circumstances, to the extent that you almost died because of me. I can never stop blaming myself for the accident because I was responsible. It's something that haunts me everyday. 

And Kate, my love, if we ever see again, I will always wish you well and the best of luck.

But for now, I hope you find all the happiness and love in the world, because it's something you deserve. The memory of you will always be inside of me.

I'm sorry, and thank you for existing and for reciprocating my love.

I love you, always. Please don't wait for me.

                ~ OEL 

With shaky hands and my heart thumping madly in my chest that my body starts vibrating, I fling the letter away from me and burst into fresh tears.

No one has ever hurt me like this before.

And the letter, makes it all official that Max is never coming back.