Dream Scape

This doesn't feel real, twice now escaping death, don't understand why the second time, rushed back to surgery, if it happens again, does that mean Death will win the next round?

I no longer have a sense of time, I know I crashed on a Sunday and 12 hours after my first emergency surgery seemed stable, but how long since the second one?

My reality feels askew, could be 3 hours since my last surgery that could have lasted 3 or more hours itself, I am in and out of memories, multiple dreams, and yes sexual fantasies more then likely brought on by the awareness of being touched in reality, yet the inability to fully awaken.

There is pain relief in this dreamscape, I totally contemplated it is the meds.

This feels like torture, this drifting in and out like a car drafting the one in front, trying hard to take the lead. I wonder if the other driver is ok,  did they get hurt this badly too? What did go wrong?

My thoughts end up shifting towards my Mom these past two years since she passed away, poor Dad hasn't really been the same, I wonder how he is holding up? Does he go home? Has he stayed over night like he did with Mom?

Dad could be a nervous wreak, his only son near deaths door twice, he must be sitting in a chair here in ICU if I am still in there and not moved, he didn't leave her whole illness, Cancer was ugly.

I don't even know my own injuries, just that I am in waves of pain, what where those surgeries? what did they do? Am I healing?

Feeling out of touch with everything, am I even sane? Maybe it hasn't been that long, maybe it's only been a hour?  day? week? could be a month?

Spending time with Mom, am I dead? In limbo?  The sound of machines, hearing nurses,doctors mixed with that strange buzzing and ringing, the pain waves, must be alive, am I dreaming that Mom and I are talking and walking? making new memories here in this dreamscape?

Existentialism, that word comes to mind to explain this feeling, experience mind in a fog, this haze, confusion, vivid surreal state, that word does mean or imply existence doesn't it? To affirm I am alive, even with this weird Deja Vu,  eureka experience of a coma, a coma! It's happening to me and I struggle to get my head around this.

 Did I hit my head? Do I have brain damage? Will I race again? Do I hear music?  Seems familiar, Metallica! That's it, yes this song, I know it, remember the music video, ironic it's the one with that guy in pain, trapped in a long term coma, oh the name,  Unforgiven!? The timing of hearing this song, am I doomed to stay this way? That guy was begging to die, am I in a crisis?

This isn't living a life, it's just breathing, nothing full, a bed warmer?  If I finally awake am I going to be crazy?A blur, come on self wake up, open those eyes, something must be missing, Mom? You still here? I have felt you with me, do you know what I am missing, to wake up? I don't feel ready to die, is this how it felt for you? To leave us behind when you wanted to stay? When your body couldn't fight any more, when you used the last strength your body had to smile for Dad and I when your voice could no longer say I love you, brave Mom, reassuring us, helped us to be ok, the wave of pain that you must have been in, was it like this Mom?

 Shouldn't I have to pee? but I don't. Wonder what is normal?  Whatever ever time has passed I've relived all of my races, been a amazing ride, what a career, many accomplishments, I really am proud of it, so now what?  

Did flat line twice after winning in a last lap crash of the brickyard, I did it, almost cost my life but I won my dream race, I reached all my goals, Is this it? 28, unless I missed my birthday, feel to young to retire, I always raced something, don't know anything else.

Waves of dread, pain, sarrow, hopelessness, stuck. Who am I with out racing?  Respect other drivers, if reaction or vision is compromised, I can not, will not risk other drivers to end up like this.

Dreamscape give me clues? Will this coma end when I find out who I am with out racing? These sexual dreams do they mean it's time to settle down? Give Dad some grand kids? Watch more movies? I really have achieved everything I set out to do in racing, is it enough to be  legend, I want to keep going, keep moving fast.

My thoughts seem silenced for now as once again I hear some music, can't quite figure out that song, the memories flood in, I stop questioning my new perspective of time and self, let this song awaken those memories, my best bud, my brother, our motorbike win, that was his year, team mates, I took second place in the standings, he had one more win then I did and it was the last race of the season.

Tony's Dad decided to create the two dirt bike team to drive up sales for his dealership, since we were kids we had raced together, tricycles, bikes, go karts, if it had wheels we raced it, soap box cars my Dad helped us build, then go carts we build ourselves with my Dads help, Mom was a seamstress who did the racing fire suits for many of the race teams, so she made us some, customized sponsorship of family members and we had our foot in the racing door.

That summer we had a gap, to young to move up in cars but to old for the go cart series, 18 years old we had to wait a year to get our licenses, then start earning our track licences for the set up Stock, Cart and Indy, so Tony's Dad created our team and we did that for two summers, we both had a championship and moved up.

"Moose, you get enough rest yet?" No, is it really him? Is he really here? Tony.

Can't be, must be my mind playing tricks, He fell in love, left racing behind, moved to Bali for her, we email and in the off season I go visit, Love those girls of his, I ship them presents just because it made me think of them, my nieces, do they know? Are they here too? Is it real? Tony did I really hear your voice my brother?

"Got the dance tunes going, but you couldn't really dance before brother" that's him alright, come to think of it the pain meds must be working as I do feel like dancing. " you didn't call or write, no video chat, couldn't have that so we hopped on the first flight we could get and here we are." WE??? Are the girls in the room? I can't hear there sweet little voices or feel there sweet hugs.

"You're Dad looked like crap, by the way, so I told him to go home, nurses and doctors agreed, he needs a good rest, so My ladies are taking care of him and you have me, it's my shift. Would be nice if you could wake up for it bud" was that a crack in his voice, can you cry in a coma?

"Please wake up brother, your nieces need you, they love you so much, you are their favorite uncle."

"Hey Tony, Thanks for letting me rest, but I want to be here when he wakes up, hoping it's any day now, a month's worth of recovery should see movement soon" Dad sounds so choked up, Dad I am trying, I want to wake up.

"Was giving him what for sir" heard some small little laughs.  "Shouldn't of made us all worry so much" are they both crying? Am I hearing wrong? 

" Anything we can do to help?" Take care of Dad if I don't make it, but your asking Dad not me, I would love to wake up, "Just pray Tony, it's all we can do, they doctors and nurses have done all they can, it's meds for pain management and nourishment, the rest is time, last scans showed most of the swelling is almost gone, most broken bones have already begin to heal, he is still here, still fighting, if this coma helps him heal till the pain isn't s bad then here I will be, so just pray Tony, and give thanks, he was to close two times."

"Yes sir, been praying since you told us, sorry it took so long for us to get here, but we are here for good now, we will help get him back on his feet." back for good? really that's awesome, I think, oh man I really want to get up, to give them both hugs.

"Hey brother, almost forgot, yesterday was the last race of the session, you did it, you won a damn championship in a coma, not so shocking you had a big enough point led, the sub really only had to finish the last two races, I guess you really did do it, because that my friend, my brother is Legendary in my books, so please Dear God let him wake up and be healed and celebrate with me and his team." Amen, my brother, that is awesome, damn can you cry in a coma, starting to feel thirsty and hungry like I can taste that banquet.

"Please God, I am ready to wake up, please?!?"