1: Fresh Start

Have you ever felt empty or have that sense of regret from your past actions?

I have been feeling this emptiness and regret for the past weeks.

During that time, I always ponder on how I am living my life. Have I lived it like how I wanted it to be or is there something that I should have done? I'm always haunted of flashbacks of my youth, especially during my high school days. Although I recall the details vaguely, I always look back at those moments which I felt were the happiest points in my life.

As I was taking a shower, I had these recollections of me in my campus having a good look at my surroundings: from my classroom filled with students talking nonsense, to seeing my teachers discussing certain issues with their colleagues, to girls from other sections giggling about their latest crushes, and to fellow pupils training at their respective varsity teams.

Even as I head out of my shower, I begin to see myself in the mirror looking like how I was when I was 16. I look at myself as that fairly slim guy with short yet full black hair and beady eyes, trying to tell me of how happy I was back then. Then as the steam from the shower subsided, I began to see myself now: matured (yet looking younger than my contemporaries), evidenced by a few wrinkles and creases on my face; a ripped body compared to my slender build when I was younger; and some streaks of silver along my sideburns. I used to hide this by growing my hair long, but it still shows, proving that I cannot hide my age.

Just looking at myself in my current state, I begin to ponder: Where have I gone amiss?

As I was thinking deeply, someone suddenly tucked her arms around me and started to give me sweet pecks on my neck and shoulder, while holding on to my dog tag hanging around my neck. It was my wife Lolit, and I felt that she might be worried about me.

"Kenneth, my Love, it's just the start of the day and you have that poignant look all over your face. Is there anything that bothers you?" Lolit asked in a sweet and caring voice. 
"This is nothing, Dove. I may be overthinking matters again. Don't worry about me," I replied as I assured her that I am 'okay' at the moment. I slowly looked back at her and kissed the wedding ring on her hand. 
"You worry too much, Love. Don't start your day with that gloomy outlook. Cheer up, you have me and your kids. Come, I prepared breakfast and the boys are waiting for you downstairs. So better get dressed and see you at our breakfast nook," answered Lolit as she gave me a smack on my cheek and headed to check on our food and the boys.

Who wouldn't feel good with a wife like Lolit? Her sweet and nurturing demeanor complements her timeless beauty: long waves of dark brown locks that goes well with her fair complexion and oval face, dark almond eyes accented by her long eyelashes and well-defined brows, dainty nose and pink cupid lips. I love the way I feel her slim and gentle body as I hug her at times.

After getting dressed for work, I headed immediately to our breakfast nook. Compared to our formal dining room, this is a round table just near the pantry of our kitchen so that we can have a candid and intimate time with family as we start our day.

The two boys, wearing their school uniform composed of an old rose collared shirt and dark blue pants, were already at the table waiting for their breakfast to be served by their mom.

Tristan, the eldest, got his looks and personality from me. We have the same large yet piercing eyes, strong looking nose, and sharp lips. He even have my cleft chin. Like me, he got this aggressive and headstrong personality; yet he is also very protective and caring, especially to his younger brother.

Casper, the youngest, has a strong resemblance to his mother. He got this sweet beady eyes, soft pointed nose and cupid lips. He also have the sweet and gentle-mannered traits of his mother.

"You guys seem ready to go to school. If I weren't dropping you at school, both of you would still be in bed by this time," I jokingly remarked to them. 
"That's true, Love. I think it's just right that you having been dropping them and picking them up the past few days," said Lolit as she was serving our breakfast of French toast and slices of fruits and berries. 
"By the way, have you decided to sign up for the school's swimming team? I'm sure you would both excel in that sport," I asked the boys while eating. 
"Papa, why are you forcing us to be part of the swimming team? I'm not into that sport. Besides, I'm already with the school's basketball team. I'm happy of being part of it," Tristan reacted strongly against my suggestion. 
"But you are just part of Team B, meaning the spare tires of the official team. I see your potential in swimming and I really want you and Casper to be part of it," I retorted. 
"Papa, I really love playing basketball. I hope you can just support me," Tristan replied, this time with a respectful tone. 
"Well, how about you, Casper? Try giving it a shot. You can make us proud by being part of the swimming team," I asked as I try to convince my other son. 
"I'm sorry, Papa, but I'm not really into sports. I like swimming but never thought of joining the varsity team. I prefer joining the Art or Manga clubs," Casper calmly replied. 
"That's the reason you should be part of at least one varsity team. Joining such girly clubs just make you look soft," Tristan sarcastically replied to Casper. "I don't want getting into arguments and skirmishes because they call you sissy in school."
At this point, I responded, "That's enough, boys. I don't want any arguments during meals, especially at breakfast. Casper is just well-mannered, we know that. I hope you can reconsider joining the swimming team anytime soon, Casper. You know I just had our Olympic-size pool made at our garden so that you guys can practice swimming, and hopefully make your school proud by representing them during the Regional Sports Competition. You know, I earned several medals for representing our school during my days in high school. You can see some of my awards displayed there." 
"But, Papa, you were part of the fencing team, not the swimming team," Casper wittingly replied. 
"Yeah, Papa. Why are you pushing us to become swimmers while you were a fencer during your time?" Tristan followed up with a question while smiling interestingly as he waits for my answer.

That is actually an interesting question. Come to think of it, I realized why am I pushing them to pursue swimming while I myself was not a swimmer in high school? The truth is, I really wanted to become a swimmer. I have been training everyday in my childhood home where we had a pool, but not as big as what I have here. These just bring back memories at the time I asked dad of my passion for swimming...

---

I was 14, and I approached Papa while he was reading certain documents at his desk in our study room. He is a very imposing man: slicked back hair, sharp-looking eyes, prominent sharp nose and a Van Dyke beard, which complemented his sturdy build.

"What brings you here, Kenneth?" asked dad as he seemed bothered by my sudden appearance in the study. 
"Papa, I have finally decided on what team will I join in school. I have thought about this for a long time," I replied enthusiastically to him while standing in front of him. 
"Is that so? Great to hear that. You know, it's a tradition for our family to be part of a sports team in campus, and we always excel in every sports our family engages in. I know you will make me proud," Papa remarked with a smile on his face. "So tell me, in what sport will you sign up? Will you be joining the fencing team like me and your grandfather?" 
"Actually, Papa, I wanted to be a swimmer," I replied with that happy look on my face for I have seen him very proud of my decision. 
Upon hearing that, dad's face slowly changed from being proud and happy to that of being serious and doubtful. "Swimming?! Are you sure of that?! Is that why you have been swimming in our pool almost everyday?!"
"Yes, Papa! I love swimming. It gives me that sense of freedom while I tread through the water and have that sense of fulfillment when I beat my personal best at every laps I make," I responded with beady eyes and a big smile as I explain my passion. 
"I was hoping you would be interested with fencing, but instead you wanted to swim! Of all the sports out there, you chose something that I'm strongly against!" He berated and started to look very angry. 
Seeing anger in his eyes, I tried to convince him that my decision is for the best, "But Papa, I wanted to swim. I think I will truly excel in something I really love. Please let me swim. I know brother enjoyed swimming too when he was part of the team..." 
Before I could even finish my sentence, he has flared up and stood at his desk, "Never mention anything about your brother! All he did was give me trouble and headache! Good thing he is dead to end the misery he has brought to us!" 
"How can you say that, Papa? He is still part of the family," I shockingly replied as I was filled with fear and disappointment on how he rebuked my decision and my brother. 
"I regret having him as part of our family, and I don't want anything connected with him and his memories, including swimming!" Papa was surely angry that he threw the documents he was reading towards me. This truly made my heart bleed with sadness. 
Looking towards the floor and the scattered paperworks, I softly answered back, "But I truly love swimming? Won't you support me on this, Papa?" 
He approached me, held my head and looked me in the eye with a dagger-like gaze, "Never ever mention your brother in my face again! If you really want to make me proud, then be part of the fencing team. Don't do something that you would regret later in life! If I have to do something for you to reconsider my suggestion, then I will do so immediately!" 

When he departed the study room, he left me shattered of my hopes and dreams of doing what I'm really into. I was left in tears while I try to fix the documents he threw at me.

Three days later, as I was heading to our pool, I have seen a group of contractors draining the water out of our pool and discussing about certain details in their blueprint.

I approached one of them and asked, "Excuse me, sir. May I ask why you are draining the pool? Will you be repairing it? Papa just had that fixed last year."
"Your father, Mr. Ynchausti, instructed us to remove the pool and convert it into a garden with a gazebo for outdoor reading and meeting with guests," one of the contractors replied.

At that point, my father made it clear that he will do everything just to let me forget about swimming and join the fencing team. I headed back in my room and quietly sobbed at how he finds ways to break me.

Then I decided to join the fencing team when Papa and I discussed in the newly-made outdoor gazebo where our pool used to be.

---

"Love, so why do you want your boys to be varsity swimmers, hearing that from a fencer like you? Why not convince them to be part of the fencing team?" asked Lolit as she might have noticed my empty snares while reminiscing at that particular flashback. 
"Because I think my boys will excel in swimming compared to their current endeavors," I confidently replied. "I remembered that I joined the fencing team because my Dad strongly convinced me that this is what's best for me, and I excelled at it."

While I was saying this, I realized that I'm becoming like my Dad, but without the violent tendencies.

Then I replied to my boys, "I'm sorry if I tried pushing you to be part of the swimming team. I may think that this might be the best for both of you, I'm sure you can prove me otherwise. If you wish to do things that you think would make yourselves and us, your parents, proud, we will fully support you." 
"Thanks for the support, Papa," answered Tristan with a nice smile on his face his eyes expressing utmost happiness. "I will never let you down." 
"I know you will be rooting for us, Papa," Casper replied as he started hugging me tight. "You really know what's best for us. Love you, Papa!" 
"Enough of these cheesy moments, boys. Let's continue eating and prepare immediately as I will drop you guys to school," I replied. I'm glad to see my children happy with what they enjoy doing and will fully back them up.

After breakfast, we went back to our respective rooms to freshen up, get out things and head to my car, a Dark Blue BMW M3 sedan.

Before dropping them to their school and going to my office, I dashed to my lovely wife and kissed her left hand like I usually do prior to leaving the house.

"Thank you for starting my day right," I said to Lolit in a sweet manner. "You always give me new hope to continue throughout the day."