My First Flight

It's an hour into the flight and despite some minor turbulence after take off, it been pretty smooth sailing -or sky sailing I guess?

Sorley is snoring away beside me, dead to the world and making me cross my fingers that our hotel rooms will be some distance from one another in the apartment like complex we are booked into.

Jeez, he is loud. It's like he swallowed a cheese grater or something. People are actually staring. Of course to them I openly scowl back because, I can dis my brother for his deviated septum and its effects but no body else can. 

Though this particular snoring is probably more to do with the odd angle his head is tilted back at causing his jaw to hang off the bottom of his face like a snake getting ready to swallow his prey. I get my phone out and snap some pictures to send to Mum and Dad, they will love this. Then I decide to take some selfies to post later, because what's a little online public humiliation between family?

I decide to take fun up a notch by seeing just what I can balance on his forehead as he sleeps. I start simply with a pen and snap a picture, but that's too easy. Next I try a book, then the pen - funnier yeah but still not quite enough. By this point I notice a few other passengers smirking as they have sussed out what I am up too. I see a couple of children offering me some of their toys to try, eyes bright with hope at getting to be a part of my game.

"Excuse me miss," the flight attendant enquiries "I will have to ask you to stop harassing this passenger" she says stifling her own laughter at my brother who now has a book with an empty cup on his head. A stuffed dog teddy on his shoulder, a childs bangle hanging off one ear and a biro pen balanced on the other.

I smirk "ah, it's ok he won't mind. He will likely just throw a small strop at first and then laugh at it afterwards when he realises how funny the photos are.  Plus that's what he gets for dragging his annoying little sister on holiday with him" I say using my hands to make air quotes. 

She nods her head and smiles saying "alright,  on one condition." She smiles deviously at me.

Leaving me wondering where she is going with this. " okay, hit me with it" I say cautiously 

"I want you to give my number to him when he wakes up, and make sure that he calls me - if he is single that is" she states 

I dont hide my observation of her. She is pretty, not too done up with make up, but enough that shes obviously made an effort for work. She looks like she's not afraid of exercise either so no worries about Sorely's foot in mouth condition.  This could work. I smile at her and say "it's a deal, and as his protective little sister, let me just say how impressed I am that his snoring hasn't scared you off" I joke.

She looks me straight in the eye and without a shimmer of doubt replies "it's not a problem honey, because I do not intend on letting him sleep if you catch my drift."

I sit there with my mouth hanging open. Did she just... but, but that's my brother.... Ewww!!!! 

"I think I'm going to be sick" I eventually say, as she just shrugs her shoulders and walks off swaying her hips with her brunette hair bobbing along in its pony tail.

Gross I shiver.

I look at my brother and suppress my next shiver. When I move my eyes past him I spot a young girl who is waving something at me. After a second I realise what it is. Oh yes this will do very nicely indeed I laugh to myself.

I nod at her and she beams as she passes me her small children's compact make up case. I open it up and am delighted to see the bright bold colours that kids seem to love so much in her pallet of eyeshadow, blusher and lip gloss - Jackpot!!

I get to work. 

I carefully apply an electric blue glittery eye shadow onto Sorley's upper eyelids, struggling to contain my snorts of glee as I go. He is so going to kill me. Just as well I have a pretty girl's number to hand out to him to settle him down later.

Next I go for the redder of the two blusher options, delicately smearing as much as I can on each cheek. 

All that's left on the pallet is the lip gloss portions which I decide to leave out as that would most likely wake him without a doubt. 

I pass the pallet back to the little girl with a smile all the while Snorley as he shall now forever be known as still sleeps totally dead to the world around him.

I ask the kids parents who have helped if it ok to get them in this last picture to which they agree. So we all huddled around him as the flight attendant from earlier, takes the photograph. I then slowly remove all Snorley's accessories barring he make up and go back to reading my book like nothing has happened.  

He will flip later. I cant bloody wait, he is hilarious when he is grumpy.

I cant wait to show Dadin particular he is going to absolutely love this. I just hope I can send the pictures to him before my brother sees a mirror. Oh I so hope I can convince Mum to frame one and put it up in the cafe by the time we get home. His face would be a picture worth framing itself when he would see these in his place of work.

I am almost bouncing with excitement in my seat at the thought. Actually,  no that's not it I need a pee. I get up and make my way along the aisle to the front of the plane, I could get used to this type of travel. Its not so bad really if I dont guilt myself out too much thinking about emission levels and fuel consumption. Or that if we fell out of the sky we would all die a gruesome terrifying death.  Yikes. Plus, if you were so inclined you could be pretty drunk by now. 

I am waiting behind another passenger for the loo for a couple of minutes, when a passenger who by the smell of him alone, is inclined to start his holiday early by getting hammered on a plane full of mostly young families- so he must be really classy and such a catch, with beginnings of his beer gut of middle age starting to protrude out above his waist line oh so attractively, I think with sarcasm- joins the que behind me. 

He is standing quite a bit too close for comfort, but I cant quite tell if its deliberate or of it is due to the restrictive size of the plane as we wait for the loo. Either way I can feel his breath on my neck as he leers at my chest. For Christs sake I am not even in a low cut top. Slightly sheer maybe, in the right light, but in no way flashy or revealing. Pervert.

I am still pondering asking the sweaty letch to back the fuck up when I hear the tell tale sign of the toilet flushing so I know in a couple of moments I wont have to deal with him further.

But, when I turn to face the door as the latch is undone, I am frozen as Mr. Baby Beer-Gut, decides to cop a feel, and not even just my ass, no he went straight between my legs basically molesting me infront of a plane full of people.

Through gritted teeth I say "you better back the fuck up, and take your filthy hands off me or the only place you will be going when we land is the nearest hospital prick".

"Oh come on baby" he slurs back at me. "I know you're up for some fun, I've been watching you have a laugh

 Dont get up tight on me now baby. Let's fly the mile high club"

"Are you high as well as drunk?" I asked. Turning around angrily to face him. " You are delusional if you think I would let a sleazy disgusting slimey turd like you anywhere near me"

At this I see a tell tale sign of a temper, that slight twitch of his jaw as he clenches his teeth.  I recognise it well because I am used to having to control a much worse temper and this idiot is really pushing my buttons now.

"Now, back the fuck up!" I add seeing the flight attendants have noticed his behaviour and are making their way over to the scene.

He looks me up and down with a glint in his eye. Oh he thinks he can take me on. Well, that will be a mistake.

He looks behind me to the now vacant toilet and suddenly tries to barge us both inside. 

With a subtle smirk I harden my facial muscles and tip my head back, without warning I thrust my head forward smashing my forehead into his nose. "Keep your dirty hands off me you pervert", I shout at him as he falls back grasping his nose. Which if the look of the blood pouring out and the new thirty degree angle its jutting to the right at, I would be pretty confident saying it's broken.

The attendants arrive at that moment as the people in the front row of the plane start clapping.

"That bitch just assaulted me"cried the Mr. Baby Beer-Gut. Obviously looking for sympathy, as he clutched his broken nose, while half sitting half kneeling on the floor. "You have to do something!" He demands

I roll my eyes, "really that's how you are going to play it? The whole.plane saw you molest me you twat!" I retort back looking decisively down my nose at him.

"Dont worry, we will sort everything out" says a male attendant as he helps him up and begins to lead him to the back of the plane presumably for first aid. 

I watch them go, having to hold a smirk in hard when I spot my brother scowling at him in his make up from earlier, God that's a priceless image right there. He must have woken up during the kerfuffle.

I turn to the brunette who likes my brother and say "you know  I really should find  out what your name is, you seem to be reoccurring in my life quite frequently at the moment and I get the feeling that isn't going to change soon,"

"Firstly my name is Angie." She says with  a devilish smile. "Secondly, I hope your brother is  as much a firecracker in bed as you seem to be live and.."

"Eewww!!" I cut her off as she is laughing smugly at me, "you said it , my brother, stop with the sex references please" I beg shivering in disgust and shaking my hands like they have some gross substance on them I can flick off.

She audibly laughs and I realise Angie has a sick sense of humour and if it weren't for her innuendos about Snorley dearest then we would get on very well indeed.

When she stops laughing she says "thirdly, is your head alright? Can I get you anything for it? Oh and don't  you worry about the police it was self defense and you have a plane full of witnesses to attest to that" she rambles off at me with speed with pity in her eyes.

I hate pity. 

"Look I just really want to pee, can I do that now? Because if not you will have more bodily fluids than blood to clean up in a minute." I say deliberately trying to gross her out in payback. 

But to no success. 

"Of course go pee," she says with a smile. "And dont worry  we have cleaned up much worse. I mean much worse" she says opening her eyes really wide to exaggerate her point. Before turning to walk away.

I about turn and finally get to go to the loo to relieve myself. 

When I settle back in my seat I turn to Sorley mid swing of a can of coca cola, and almost snort it all back through my nose, having completely forgotten briefly about his sleepy time make over.

"You okay sis?" He asks looking genuinely concerned. 

"Totally fine." I say in a squeaky high pitched voice struggle regain my composure. "Never a dull moment with me around, apparently "

"Well, it's just as well you have a thick skull there Dee. Otherwise I would be worried you had some sort of concussion." he smirks 

"Hey, it's not my fault I am irresistible" I mock, waving my hands in front of myself "even in a cowl neck top, that literally shows not even an inch of cleavage. Imagine the damage I could do to the male population in a turtle neck, oh or god forbid a t-shirt" I dramatised by putting my hands up to my forehead like a damsel in distress. 

"Shut up woman." He laughs going to mess up my hair.

"Aowch", I wince when he comes into contact with my forehead.

"Ah shit, Sorry" he apologises, followed by completely taking the mick "not that thick after all then" he says.

"Your concern is truly touching brother." I retort. Trying desperately to keep myself cool since he really does look like the love child of a drag queen and a circus clown at the moment. 

I pick my book up and settle into my seat, turning to my brother I say "by the way, on the way home we are getting you a travel pillow." 

He frowns, looking perplexed "what, why?"

"Well Snorley, hopefully it will help quiet down the cheese grater you seem to have swallowed.  Must be a medical marvel that it doesn't bother you more when you're awake to be fair." I say matter of factly. Noting his frown of comprehension at his new nickname.

"I do not snore" he responds.

Which gains quite a bit of sniggering from the passengers seated close by us.

"I will admit I dont really remember you snoring as we grew up, but believe me big brother,  you definitely snore bow. Plus I have many many witnesses to attest to that fact  now" I nod indicating the smiling strangers sat about us blatantly listening in to our wee chat.

"Oh." Is all he says, slightly embarrassed. 

"Nah, dont worry it could always be worse" I say with a wink.

His face is puzzled for a minute, but as he hears the outburst of laughter from about us he sighs, and shakes his head " What did you do Dee?"

"Ahh, well Snorley dearest." I reply "you shall find out soon enough," I laugh.

His suspicious mind gets the better of him as he looks about him trying to find anything amiss as I sit beside him humming happily with myself. When he picks up his phone though I know the jig is up, he is about to check the only thing left. His reflection. 

But he is in for an extra surprise as he unlocks his phone to discover I have changed his wallpaper screen to a photograph of him asleep, with a face full of glittery children's makeup , surroundd by myself,  and the three children who helped in the creation of my masterpiece with equally big smiles plastered across their faces

I look smugly at him "I think the look works personally. It suits you very well." 

"Dee," he says through gritted teeth " I am going to kill you" the redness of his face is matching the blusher on his cheeks now.

But I have a secret weapon.  Angie.

"Nah you're not" I say calmly without concern 

"Get thos crap off my face now"

"Hey I will have you know, that crap as you call it was donated by little Sasha and " I pause for dramatic effect... "successfully played it's part in me being given Angie's phone number to pass on to you"

Ha, that stopped his ire dead,  so predictable Sorley,  so predictable. 

His brow furrowed he asks me, "who on earth is Angie?"

"Well brother dearest, Angie is the beautiful brunette flight attendant,  with a dirty mind, sick sense of humour and for some reason an inclination towards blond haired men in kids make up." I say with a flourish.

He looks around till he spots her up ahead giving out drinks to a young couple further in the front of the plane. When she looks up and sees him she smiles with a wink. This is successful in making my brother shyly duck his head back and I laugh audibly at him. 

"Sorley?" I question to get his attention 

"Dee, I don't know whether to kick you or hug you " he responds. Obviously quite taken with Angir the flight attendant. 

"You are welcome brother." I nod. "But, can I just say you really should name your first born after me because, without my sisterly antics,  you might never have met....." I laugh at him getting more uncomfortable 

"Aye, settle down Dee, trapped in a four hour flight with her and you are the only reason I would get to talk to her" he says sarcastically, trying but importantly failing to deflate my ego.

"Ah, well in that case I will just tear up her number shall i" I say waving the paper Angie gave me earlier about in front of his face "let you go and introduce yourself shall I?"

"Dont you  bloody dare" he says. Snatching the folded sheet from my hands

I bellow with laughter.

"You're welcome brother" 

"Thank you" he says smiling while typing in Angie's number into his phone.

"Now Dee, please tell me how do I get this gunk off my face?" He begs

I reach in my bag for my face wipes and pass the packet over to him. "It should just wipe off, here." I say taking pity on him.

"Thanks" he says with a roll of his eyes. 

After he has cleaned up, he eventually introduces himself to Angie, looking like the cat that got the cream, and thankfully she seems much more demure around him. Which is a vast relief to my sisterly brain.

We settle down and quite enjoy the rest of our flight with no more make overs or assault like incidents. Its definitely not a bad way to travel at all.