Half truths

I walked round campus like I was on cloud nine, I always had a smile on my face these days, people judged me with their eyes, others criticized me with their mouths but nothing could hold me down, I had to lose my religion and create mine, I trusted in this.

I had to lose myself to become this new me, my bracket of religion couldn’t push this away, I'm sure God understood, did he? I shook my head, chasing the insecurities away, I was finally happy.

It’s said to be wrong but my heart, my head, my very being was in this, no shred of discomfort was visible to me, known to me, and I knew this was meant to be.

Then there was cherry, I couldn’t stop smiling when I thought about her, people referred to me as ‘hers’ now, Malnovs beloved, Malnovs monalisa, it was really weird but I guess that’s what happens when you date a Malnov, I cared little about her status actually, I just wanted her.

I didn’t mind being called ‘hers’, I was hers after all but the references  were  getting to me, I just wanted to love someone and not be mocked, was that really hard to ask for, to wake up every other morning, walk down the halls without everyone staring at me like I was really courageous or a big fool.

Classes were slow today, the usual groans filled the classrooms, the usual backlash, the usual send off, I rolled my eyes, I stared out through the window wishing I was bird, free and wild, building my pretty nest, I giggled, I was going crazy.

We all submitted our third history assignment, I wondered what he was actually doing with all our hard work, probably tearing them to shreds like the monster he was, regardless of my hate for this dreadful course I was actually acing it so I wasn’t really fazed, I hated him less.

Cherry had left campus last week, said she had to sort some issues at home, she didn’t go into details but I respected that fact, I just wanted her back, I called her every evening, she was never on long before she would be called over in the background.

Sometimes she didn’t even have the time to say goodbye but I knew she would make it work, I knew she would make it up to me when she got back.

She never face timed me, she never called first, never texted first, never said I love you first, sometimes she would just send an emoji to make up for her words, I knew she loved me, she said she did.

I shook my head to dispel these unnecessary thoughts, cherry was trying to be the best for me, I wasn’t going to look for possible reasons to argue or fight.

I was going to wait for cherry, my cherry.

*****

A week had passed, I could barely have a 2 minute conversation with cherry, she was always busy, always working, couldn’t talk right now, can't right now, I’ll call you back swarm into days, I’ll reply you soon bothered into never.

I was depressed, i couldn’t think past cherry, breathe past cherry, I just wanted cherry, I sniffled as I spooned ice cream into my ready mouth, it wasn’t helping but I wanted it, it was better than my cold comforter.

I now stalked my girlfriend on every of her social media accounts, what was she doing now? Was she ok? Did she miss me?.

She had a beautiful family, through the screen I could feel the influence, she looked happy, she looked so beau-  I snapped my laptop shut.

What was I doing? I rubbed my palms across my face like it would magically solve the problem, I needed to get a grip on myself, I need a distraction.

I scrolled through my contact list, my friend list were limited, Becca would be asleep by now and Tristan would be having a class right now, we shared our schedules so we all know what each one of us is up to at any particular time.

I kept scrolling till I saw it, no him, I contemplated for a while, my thumb hovering over the contact, I weighed the pros and cons, I shrugged as I tapped call, what did I have to lose now?

“Hey stranger”

“Hey ray, it’s been a while, can we meet up later today?” I asked nervously

“Tell me sunshine, why would I do that?”

I honestly didn’t have an answer for that, I led him on, went on dates, then one day I up and left, no goodbyes, no explanations, it’s been two months, I was a horrible person, I knew that.

“No answer sunshine? Well I was just kidding, I would love to see you, we have unfinished business now don’t we?” he said suggestively, I could just see the twinkle in his eyes as he rubbed his chin.

I chuckled, I did miss him, he was the only one who managed to get me, he was just as crazy as I was.

He wasn’t pretty or necessarily handsome, he just had this aura that drew you to him, he was kind and I was fantasizing about him again, I shook my head to chase off inappropriate thoughts, with the way I shook my head these days, it was bound to fall off my neck soon, very soon.

**

I met Raymond at a restaurant down town, it was our place, he ordered for an army and ate like a slob, earning a few disgusted looks thrown at our table, ok more than a few.

I found it funny actually, he always ate like he was dying, I thought it was a home problem at the beginning but later on I knew, he was just a messy eater, a very messy eater, but I didn’t view him any less.

He was very special to me, I was attracted to him, very attracted but I loved that he respected my space, he didn’t hound me, he let me do my thing, my way, my pace, why wasn’t I a cheater?

I snorted at my thoughts, wrong timing, I choked on the water I was drinking, ray bowed over in laughter as I tried and failed not to join him, tears were streaming down my face, I couldn’t breathe and I was choking.

The doofus finally got his head out of his ass, he patted my back while I regulated my breathing, we would have been thrown out of the restaurant but the owner thought we were too cute for a young couple, little white lies.

We finally left after the patrons scowled at us so bad my head almost shrunk, we walked past well lit shops, chic, they even smelt expensive, I loved shopping, everything about it but I always had to save up for the more expensive things.

Raymond looked back at me with a mischievous smile on his face, this wasn’t going to end well, we walked into each and every shop, thrown out of some, almost arrested in some, in some banned for life, possibly our kids too, we ran down the street with the clerk in the last store screaming profanities.

We giggled like school children around town, sang to the street music, ate unhealthy food, crashed a wedding, in my defense I didn’t know the hall was being used when I strolled in singing ‘Dance monkey by tones and I’ at the top of my lungs, I think I left the mother of the bride scarred for life.

I breathed in the fresh air while ray wrapped his arms around me from behind, his chin on my head, I felt safe, my smiled faded when it clicked on cherry, I missed her too much, I closed my eyes, wishing she’d come back real soon.

“I love holding you like this, just like this, I'm attracted to you shawty but i feel you’re someone else’s, I usually trespass on peoples properties but I respect you too much for that, I respect our friendship”.

I wasn’t sure if I could blush any more than I already was, doofus.

“I am with someone actually and I love her so mu-“ I stiffened when I noticed the slip.

“Wow I lost you to a woman, burn!, damn girl, can we have a threesome?” he asked me with a dreamy look on his face.

I stared at him in disbelief, where exactly did I meet this human being? Why exactly did I think anything other than this would happen, he was a pervert through and through.

“No you cannot have a threesome you sex hound, she’s all mine, tongue and all” I smirked

“Ewwwww, no details, I will sprinkle holy water on you, I would have told you to drink it but I don’t want you to burn beyond recognition”

We kept throwing shades back and forth, always ending with me hitting him and him calling me violent.

A car was parked  in front of my dorm, I saw the familiar form of cherry, I smiled so wide I'm sure I looked creepy but I didn’t care, I tried not to run but my body wasn’t listening to me.

I stood in front of her within minutes pulling her into a hug, I wanted to kiss her but I bottled any other emotion for later, she just awkwardly patted my back, her body language was way off but I was too giddy to notice.

“Hi I'm Nate and you are?” A deep almost intimidating voice said from behind me.

I twirled around still smiling “Hi I'm Katya, nice to meet you”, he looked at me cautiously probably from the way I kept smiling.

“You’ve got really close friends here love, that’s good for our theme; we’ll feature them in the grand finale, the last day”

“Yes love, she’s a really good friend of mine” cherry said still not fully acknowledging me, friends huh, my smile had turned upside down.

“We’ll be sure to send her an invite” This Nate guy said, who the fuck was this guy, calling her love, smiling from cheek to cheek like he owned the place, I didn’t like this Nate one bit.

“Shall we proceed to dinner?” Nate said opening the car door for cherry.

What was going on?

“Yes we shall, I miss the steak” cherry said disappearing into the car.

The fuck

“I’ll see you around kat kat, I've got a woman to please” Nate called out as he jogged to the other side of the car, I waited, I even prayed for cherry to look at me, just something to show she missed me.

It felt like time slowed down as they drove out, 1, 2, 3 … 10, ten seconds, ten seconds, still she looked like she was having the best time of her life, laughing with Nate, being with Nate.

It felt like my limbs had lost the ability to function, I stared and stared at where the car was, maybe I was dreaming, maybe this didn’t just happen.

“Hey katya” Raymond called out softly

I stared at him like I was seeing through him, I didn’t know he was still here, I thought I said goodbye, did i? Everything was foggy at this point.

I waited, it seemed like hours but it was just 30 minutes, my legs moved like they had a mind of their own, I walked down the familiar path to my room, I just wanted to be alone.

Beep

I took my phone on auto pilot, glancing at the notification.

Cherry berry: I miss you, I'm sorry, I love you, never forget, I love you.

I didn’t make it to my room or maybe I did, I don’t know if I cried, I don’t know what to feel, everything  was just a blur from there, the only constant memory was Raymond.

Whispering sweet nothings into my ear, kissing my forehead, he stayed with me, to chase all my demons away.

“She’s not good for you Katya, this is too toxic, love or not she won’t catch you if you fall”  Raymond whispered softly.

Too bad then

I already fell.