Zero

Who’s Sunshine Bea Trixie Montealegre – Dizon? I myself doesn’t even know who I am. I cannot answer my own question. I don’t even know what purpose I had in this world. Since I was a child, up to  graduating college  I’m like a puppet to my parents. Our life is good; what’s hard for me is the people who’s around us. My Mom is a Judge while my father is a Fiscal. They want me to became a lawyer too, but I choose what I love. Information Technology. I spent two years studying Political Science, but then I shifted to Information Technology cause I’m really interested in Tech, not being a lawyer.

At the age of twenty I graduated from Information Technology. It can be used as Pre-Law Course so I tried to study Law due to my parent’s will. At the age of twenty-five I finished it. I didn’t took bar examination cause I wasn’t prepared for my responsibilities as a Lawyer. Like other Young Adults, I have so many irresposible deeds in my life. One of them is; I had sex with someone I just met; it’s due to being high at drugs and liqour. What life would lead me to do this? I was frustrated in my life and I have a lot of money to waste; guess what? I took the path of being addicted to liquor and drugs. I entered a clique; it was a bad one I’ll tell you that. While I was taking Law Course I somehow managed to do parties or any event that lead to drugs and liqours. It was my escape from this life.

A lot of people tells me that I inherited my parents’ intellegence. And they are right; but I was not patience enough like my old folks. I tend to get bored easily. I had an arranged marriage, he was Ramon Dizon. A  Civil Engineer, while I was taking the Bar Examination at Manila the wedding happened. Since I was chained to my parents’ will I took what was best for them. It’s for their business and for their co-owners which is the parents of Ramon.

Ramon is a kind person, but there’s something that bothered me. In night when we’re alone, he’s always facing the other side of the bed. You can count on your finger on just how many times we had sex; up to the point that he needs to fly to US due to his job. Before he left, he left me with a business which is a Internet Café. Due to my inpatient nature, he left me with the business and to keep me busy. But the cog of fates started to turn; the fate that  I will never forget.

I met Kagami. One of the applicant that submitted their resume; I needed a helper for the business. I never feel how to like someone so this feeling was new to me. I had so many boys and men court me but I never felt the same way for the way Kagami let me feel. I don’t know, maybe I was used on a One Night Stand relationship. Strangers today, strangers tomorrow. No string attached. There’s some vibe that Kagami has that others don’t. Most of the men and boys who courted me were rich, handsome but Kagami? He’s not that handsome but I have a feeling that he alone can give to me.

Maybe this is the feeling of liking someone but you cannot; due to me being wedded already to Ramon. I just wished that all of the things in the world can be bought by money so I can just purchase Kagami and be it. I will never had a second thought about purchasing him. Say that I’m selfish, then I am. But that’s the way it is. The feeling I had for Kagami makes me the most selfish person in the whole planet. Like I care about that.

This feeling that I cannot supress like I need something to buy or it’s a neccesity to my life? It’s Kagami to me. This is the first time I had this feeling, I know the limitation of being already married but there are things that we do even though we know it’s wrong, in the eyes of God and in the eyes of people even in the law, wether it’s the law of god or people.

I tried to ignore what I feel towards Kagabi but no avail. My feelings for him just exploded. The more I ignore, the more it grows. Maybe cause this is the first time I fell in love in my whole life. I don’t have much thing to do in my life after graduating at Law. My parents always wanted to things with “honors” and I don’t want to embarrass them; I just do what I’ve been told. I just let the life take me where it would take me. But that was the biggest mistake I had. The chain that my parents gave me; I cannot brake it anymore whatever I do. I was a puppet from the very beginning of my life.

I don’t have the courage to fight them in their decision for my life. That’s why when I felt this; it was a complete stranger to me. Kagami is the only guy who made me feel like this. There were times that I was just blank staring at the garden, I cannot eat properly due to my worries for Kagami. Like, is there many costumers? Can Kagami handle them? Did he already ate? My life was in ruins. What I did is; bring food to the Café so I can eat with him, together.

Kagami is a thoughtful person, he’s also giving out the vibe of mystery and his silence adds up to it. He’s just a typical Teen Adult, in my own standards? He doesn’t get a passing grade, but there’s a touch in my heart that I cannot ignore. He knows what it feels to be left out all alone that’s why he never let me feel it. All the things I wished is within my grasp but not him. All the things I can buy with money; but not him. I had no real friends. Most of them are just party goers like me and it’s not a joke. Maybe due to the strictness of my parents that I never trusted anyone besides myself. Having “good or true” friends will lead to my demise with my parents. I have this “perfect” image to my parents. They thought every night I handle books and modules but they are dead wrong. I was secretly going to bars or clubs to get drunk and to get high; sometimes a hook up.

I was alone in my whole life. Count my fingers and that’s how many people I’ve been close to. They only stay for like two or three months then leave. But Kagami is really different. It’s been like a year since this café started but he’s still with me here. We agreed on something; I will pay for this education but in return, he will treat me like his girlfriend when we are both away here; in Nueva Ecija. I saw that his father cannot pay for his education. We have this sexual relationship but for me it’s more than that. For him? It was just simply sex, to me he was like time bomb of my feelings towards him waiting to explode.

I regularly “maintain” the café. It’s a bi-monthly project to both of us. But it was never a neccesity for the café. I do this for 2-3 days. My parents know this, the maintenance to maintain the quality of the café, but to me; it’s the only time I will have to solo Kagami. We go to different places to where we are strangers. Funny thing is; Kagami enjoys it too. He said he never venture to those places where we’ve been. My body cannot forget all those sensation that Kagami gives me while he’s kissing me on my body while we are having sex.

We never argued about anything. All of the regulars at the café became friends of mine too even though the café is noisy. This is a LAN Café for god’s sake and we cannot avoid it specially when there’s a betting on the games they are playing. The regulars became close to me, to the point we share money just to buy liquors, outing, or any activities revolving on the café. Outside Nueva Ecija ofcourse, specially when there’s a tournament happening.

Things won’t be on your way. Dela Merced arrived and then Kagami met Luna. I was badly hurt by then. I was hurt when Luna and Kagami are together. I cannot help but to become jelous. Luna has a strong personality. She never hesitated telling Kagami she likes him. Kagami became cold towards our relationship. We’re just in the bed sleeping without the regular routine we do when we’re alone together. Love at first sight struck them both. And they showed all of us how strong their love for each other has.

I never really noticed what I was doing was “bad”. What I saw from my parents and to their clients are; if you’re not caught by the law, you are free to do what you’re doing. You’re not a “bad guy”. You don’t also owe them an explanation about what you’re doing. If they understand it then all is good, if not? Then don’t. It’s my life and I will do this still, even though I know it’s wrong.

I always bring Kagami whenever I go to places. Specially when in concern about the café. He’s a good advisor to me when it comes to the café. He was also a player before I hired him. He knows what our customer wants and needs.

“Lies are always be lies and some secrets must be kept hidden forever”. That was the exact line Hikari gave me when I told her about what is my relation to Kagami. I don’t tell them other stories. It was just Kagami all along and alone. Told to be truth, the café earns more than I can imagine. Two Thousand Pesos a day is a huge sun of money. The whole week worth of income? It as just for Kagami, for his needs. I became a “Sugar-Mom” to Kagami. I told myself that I wasn’t but it was the sum of what I was doing to him.

What you lack in yourself is what you make them feel to others. Cause you know the feeling of the be left out in life. That was the line of Luna to Kagami when they we’re arguing about something when we’re drinking.

Of course! This bitch grabbed the opportunity. I grin cause I know Kagami will “use” me that day and I wasn’t wrong about it. I was treated like a “toy”. When you like to use me; then use me. It was great for me though; I was contained on it. I cannot help my self about it.

I was a demon that is wishing that Kagami and Luna will argue or Hikari would arrive. That way, Kagami will stay besides me and “use” me.

If that won’t happen I will never be noticed by Kagami. Maybe that is the life I will have. The things I wanted? I will never have a chance to obtain it in anyway.

The mask and the chain my parents gave me? They weren’t broken by me. That’s why when Kagami arrived in my life, he bought destruction on it. I was happy in my life, atleast I rebelled against my parents.

I did what I wanted and what I feel what’s right for me. I accomplished it, the witness is Hikari. Hikari became my very first friend for I can recall. She kept my secret a secret.

She told me that she was a heart “donor”. She was diagnosed with Hodkin’s Lymphoma at Canada. I cannot think about it; she was fighting a war inside her. I have zero knowledge about medicine for me to know what it was.

She’s always in jiffy, the reason behind it was she only had a limited time on her life. She also had memory lapses and short term amnesia for what I noticed. But I envy her for all of the decision she made in her life.

“Why are you chasing the person that is always choosing someone besides you? Why?” The question I asked to Hikari but never receieved an answer for her. She tends to forget things easily, she has a “reminder” to her wrists like “today”, “med buy”, “evidence”, “Dra.2PM” and the last one I saw was “Ends, NOW!” like a child has written on it. That was the last time I saw her and talked to her.

“Was leaving me felt great? Did it complete you or your life? You only bought pain to me.” I told Kagami. I cannot forget about it. I was desperate for him. I did things I never thought I can do for him. It was wrong for me to say those things but to me it was the right thing to say. After telling him that, I only saw Kagami’s eyes with vengence. We never agreed about him, loving me back like I did to him. And I know that he will never agree about it.

Many speculated that Kagami and I was dating when Hikari was hospitalized. I was with him all the time. Hikari is also a friend of mine that’s why I was there too. Hikari knows my secret. I remembered Hikari when I told her about what Kagami and I had.

She just stared with blank expression. I never felt pity to her on that time. I just saw her looking up; but the tears was just overflowing and kept on pouring like a rain.

Luna noticed it also. But I managed to kept it hidden to her. She noticed it when we’re at the hospital. I frequent the hospital a lot with Kagami on my side. She became suspicious when Kagami and me first picked up the spare parts of computer for the café.

Her suspiciousness arise when she saw us arriving from Manila. Luna also took noticed when I became pregnant. She congratulated me for having a baby, while me was in panic on how to explain things to them. But I just kept quite about it.

“We all know that love and tragedy is a yin yang. One can’t exist without the one. I was just wondering, is this even fair?” Nana told Luna when I saw Luna crying at the café. That’s when the time I realized that the world is fair, only the humans aren’t. Humans is the cause of all the suffering of the other humans, in anyway. I still believe in the old saying that goes “It’s really ironic. It’s like an Ecosystem. Those who’s on top stays on top, and we can never really bring them down and forever we will look upon them.” They had the most powerful weapon of all. Money.

That’s life. When you got so much money to burn you’ve got the power to control everything. But despite all of this; we’re lucky. We’re lucky being a human being. A living creature, we do things we want while other creatures can’t. We have emotion. We gave symphaty, we gave love, we got hurt emotionally, we cry when we are sad, we also cry when we are happy. The things that we can do while others don’t’.

I remembered the fiesta event. On how Hikari rocked the whole municipality of our town. After their set, they were interviewed. I also witnessed how their practice goes. Eight hours straight. Hikari’s voice is so damn beautiful. She sounded like Lisa Loeb to me, even the main guest band cheered on them for their frontal act.

The videos of Hikari at the internet became popular. Big shots from the music industry looked for her videos. One of the most famous videos she had is when she played the Grand Piano before the fiesta came. The program was a Alumni Homecoming from her school when she was Pre-School. She was accompanied by her bestfriend named Jeanne.

The recital was sad. It was full of sadness. There was even a part of the piece that it was so sad. It’s like the pianist is looking for someone or something but she/he never managed to get it or find it. The band she started instantly became famous; they were asked to perform in different cities and towns. Gigs are also offered to them at the bars and clubs. But the original vocalist; Hikari died. Jeanne and Paine became the vocalist. The members are still the same old; Lanz, Khalil, Jheck, Paine and Jeanne.

Hikari died at June 22nd. Her birthday. She’s only 24 years old. Her eyes, kidneys, lungs and specially her heart was to be donated. Aeina Beatrix received her eyes while Luna receieved her heart. Aeina Beatrix was born blind, she needs a new set of eyes for her to see the world. Only us knew about that. Her life lasted only for months after she arrived. And yes; I named the twins after the two nurses that took care of Hikari and Me.

Kagami and Luna survived an accident(?) while the baby inside Luna did not. It happened after a year and 2 months of Hikari’s death. It was Paine’s birthday. I was one of the witness of their accident(?).  I was a convoy, Lanz, Jheck, Khalil and Jeanne was with me when the accident(?) happened. A truck oversped at the intersection causing it to crash on the car of Luna that she drives and my parents died too; unfortunately they were also caught up on it.

Kagami recovered after two months of coma while Luna recovered in just two weeks. All of the fortune left by my parents, I inherited them all. I sold most of the stocks cause I cannot handle all of them and left the company. Luna was traumatized not by the accident(?) but the pain she cannot bear. She cannot give birth due to severe trauma in her lower part. I remembered how intense her crying was.

She was depressed. Only Kagami can talk to her that time and it was just like a new Luna Freija. It was a huge trial for newly weds. It was like the heavens and earth crushed her. I also felt her sadness and emptiness, the feeling of you will surrender anytime. I felt it cause I’m a woman too and a Mother.

Kagami and Luna are both hard working, they are like Yin and Yang when it comes to business. One cannot work without the other one. Luna is by far the most loving person I know and met. She’s the most kindess heart. It was the exact opposite when it comes to business. She was called “Tyrant” or “Tycoon” at the business world. She’s a risk taker that’s why all of her businesses are successful.

What’s left with me? Nothing. I talked to Ramon what happened, after that? I killed myself. Many speculated that the reason behind it was the death of my parents. They’re wrong about it. I was cosumed by my guilt. Guilt consumed me far greater than I can imagine. I became depressed despite everyhing has happened but Ramon still accepted for what I’ve done. No one knew me where I had my suicide. I have no ID’s no anything about my identity. I didn’t even cared if this goes public.

What I wanted? Just to be dead that time. After confessing everything to Ramon and telling him that his free from my burden I drove for six hours and I found this forest, I knew that this is my last destination. While inside the car; I opened the glove compartment. And there was the .45 Magnum Revolver, a gift from my Dad. I pointed it to my ears then fire it. “I’m sorry, I’m only Human.”