Chapter 21

Over the past two days I’ve holed myself up in the library studying everything I can about energy manipulation. I think the primary reason for my lack of control, other than fear, is the lack of understanding I have about all of this. It would be one thing if I grew up with this information, at least then I would be able to understand how it all works.

I’m in the dark and that needs to change.

From what I understand, the energy isn’t really separate from living creatures. The energy is an extension of the talnarin—it’s not another entity living inside of you, but something incorporated into your very being.

It goes beyond what Benjamin told me about the soul or core, that the energy is defined by the soul because it never changes. The energy is the soul itself. Their energy is the very thing that defines them. I was just looking at it all wrong before.

I tried to identify the energy and soul as two different things, but they’re not. The soul and energy need time to acclimate to the body it inhabits so that it’s able to be manipulated in childhood.

So, Erik was wrong in what he told me that first day. The energy isn’t separate from me. Or is it? Is it different for me since I wasn’t born a talnarin? Is everything changed because I’m a messed-up hybrid? If I had someone I could trust, someone to confide in, I might be able to get some answers.

It always comes back to the same thing: can I trust them not to kill me if they knew? Worse yet, can I trust they won’t experiment on me once the truth is out?

Still, even if it’s all different for me, it’s great information. It explains how the talnarin’s function. He’s a talnarin, and knowing how He works can only aid my revenge. Knowing how His energy works might be what I need to end Him, once and for all.

But there’s a problem I keep running into when researching Him. It’s something that’s been bothering me immensely, something about it doesn’t feel right. No matter how many books I pulled, there is no mention of golden eyes anywhere.

It can’t be that uncommon because both He and Abel have golden eyes. Even if it’s rare, why is there nothing written on them? It doesn’t make any sense. Not even that diagram Benjamin showed me during the first lesson had anything on golden eyes. There was only that strange symbol that connected all four Affinities together.

Even with everything I’ve learned, I can’t find the connection between their golden eyes. Something tugs at my gut, warning me not to ask anyone. But if I don’t ask, how am I supposed to defeat Him? Without knowing what power is connected to His color, how can I know what He is capable of? I don’t need any nasty surprises when I confront Him.

The entire thing is vexing.

I can’t find any information on the royal family, either. Why wouldn’t their books mention the King and the royal family? He rules over them all, doesn’t he? Benjamin said the King is responsible for keeping order within the talnarins.

So why? Why would his people not know what he looks like or what his affinity is? Judging from Elaine and Freya’s reactions a couple days ago, they know more then they let on. Why the secrecy? Is the King a tyrant or something? Does he misuse his power? Or is he a weakling that no one would ever look up to? Perhaps he’s ugly and ashamed to show is face.

There could be any number of reasons, I just want to know why.

My thoughts shift back to that odd symbol Benjamin showed me, the only one he wouldn’t discuss in detail. Is it all tied together? Maybe the royal family has an affinity all of their own. It wouldn’t be terribly surprising, right? Something must set them apart from the rest of their people. Maybe a rare affinity makes him their King. But… from the books I read, they said that bloodline doesn’t determine the affinity since affinities in households are randomly determined. That means there is no way for the royal line to have an affinity all their own. Maybe that odd symbol just represents another affinity that is rare and unheard of.

I scratch my head in confusion.

The books state that a firstborn could manifest the Elestal Affinity while the second born gets the Flokil Affinity even though the parents are neither. It’s like a random draw when determining affinities within a single-family unit. Does this mean the royal line has talnarins with varied affinities too? Seeing as it’s all based on their reincarnation cycle? All the talnarins eventually get reborn into new lives and families, in a random determination that no talnarin completely understands.

This gets me thinking about my own children though. If I were to reproduce, what affinity would they get? Or would they not get anything? Would they be like me, part human? I don’t know enough about my own abilities to say how they might affect my children. 

Would my children even be considered talnarin? I don’t know what tests They ran, or how they altered my insides. Maybe I’m still considered human, just my physical appearance has altered.

It’s not like I’m likely to have children anyway. After all, what human would want to mate with something that looks like me? What talnarin would want to mate with a mutated freak like me?

Can I even have children now? How did the experiments alter my system? Maybe having children is no longer a possibility. And who knows, maybe my organs changed with the other physical alterations that occurred during my time there.

Even though I no longer desire to have children, the thought my choice could be taken from me is a hard pill to swallow. What if a day comes where I decide I want to have children, and can’t? What happens then? It somehow makes me feel lesser, not knowing if I can have children of my own or not.

There’s no equipment in existence that could determine that for me, at least not among humans. The equipment They had was unlike anything I’d ever seen before. Maybe there’s other machines that do different things. But there’s no point stressing over something like this at a time like this. I have more important matters to think about, survival being one of them.

I tune back into the readings talnarins are born with an almost instinctual understanding on how to manipulate the energy. This means that they know how to draw from it, replenish it, and conserve it. They must learn how to physically manifest the energy into existence.

For the flames, they must learn how to ‘shape’ the energy to their will in order to manifest the fire. They must learn how to manifest the energy into other physical forms for weapon use, like what Benjamin mentioned. With this control, they can ‘harden’ their energy into knives, sword, and such. It’s cool if you ask me.

Seeing as I wasn’t born with the instinct to harness the energy like the talnarins, it makes me wonder if my capabilities are different. Does this mean I’m limited because I don’t have the natural apathy with the energy? What are my limitations? What are my capabilities in general? Are there other things I can do that the talnarins can’t? That thought frightens me more than I care to admit.

What if that’s true, and somehow it exposes me to everyone? The problem is, I won’t know for sure until I practice, which can out me immediately and I wouldn’t necessarily know if it did.

On one hand the longer I stay, the less stress I feel and yet on the other hand, the longer I stay, the more my stress grows. It’s an endless circle and it’s exhausting. I don’t know whether to feel relieved or terrified about it all. But I’m still stuck with only one choice, to stay and gain what I need to kill Him. To kill Them all.