MOTHERLY AFFECTION...

SIA'S POV

Sunlight was peeking in from the door length windows in my room, giving the signal that it's morning already. I was still sitting with my back against the side of my queen size bed, looking blankly at the wall in front of me. My eyes were swollen but void of any kind of emotion now.

People failed to undertand me.They thought my eyes were cold, but that was not true. My eyes were dead, just like my dead heart. I often had to place my hand on my heart to assure myself, that it was still beating and I was still alive. But knowing that I was still alive, was more painful. I had to endure everything and still stay alive. It my cruel fate.

I looked down at my hands. People said that the lines on your hands can describe, what is in your fate, but the lines on my hand have always been so dull. I guess it's true then. I smirked sadly.

I heard a knock at my door and glanced towards it, sighing. It was time to go back to my usual self again, to the character I have created to hide myself from this world, not letting anyone know about the inner storm in my heart.

Do we all not do this! We all create walls around ourselves, pretending to be someone we are not, just to protect ourselves from the harm, our real identity will bring us. This world is so tragic. Majority of us are just surviving, not knowing how to live. We must create these perfect characters that do not even exist, to ensure our survival.

When I didn't reply to the knock or opened the door, I heard a voice pleading, "Sia, please come out. I have prepared breakfast. I am waiting for you!"

She was my caretaker Mrs. De'souza, more like a mother to me that's why she calls me by my name.

And what about my family you all must be thinking, I didn't have any. I was 2 years old when someone left me at the door of the orphanage, with only a heart shaped pendant around my neck as a sign of identity, I was an abandoned child. But that is a story for another day.

I can't refuse her so, I stood up and went to freshen myself up trying to wipe away all the signs of last night's misery, as I always did.

I stepped out of my room after throwing my towel on the bed, which was a very bad habit according to Mrs. De'souza. I hesitatingly went to the dining table where Mrs. De'souza was pouring juice in a glass.

Her back was facing me and I took some time to check her profile. She was a woman in her late 50's, but she looked younger than her actual age. She was a little healthy with a motherly smile always adorning her face.

I was lost in my thoughts, when Mrs. De'souza greeted me "Good Morning Sia!" Her tone was low and polite as always dripping with motherly love and care. I didn't say anything and just kept looking at her.

She looked at my frozen expressions and stepped closer to me. Her hand went to my head and she caressed it. Her eyes were moist and she complained, "It's been so long since I have seen you last.... You don't come here at all... Don't you ever miss me?!.... You don't even call me these days". I felt bad for putting her through this. I still didn't reply and just looked down.

She could see right through me as she knew me too well. So she immediately changed the topic, "You have gotten so thin. Are you alright daughter?" Her eyes were roaming around my body worriedly.

My eyes softened seeing her so worried about me. She cared about me genuinely. I took her hands in mine and smiled at her. I reassured her, "Mrs. De'souza you are overwhelming me with questions....I am perfectly alright and I do miss you.... You know you are the motherly figure in my life, how can I not miss you?" I hugged her lovingly. I missed this. For a moment I wanted to open up again but I know thats not what I am going to do ever again.

My head was placed on her right shoulder hiding my hurtful expressions, "You don't need to worry so much. I look after myself well, just like you asked me to." I lied feeling guilty. But I try to look after myself. I do, I really do try. Maybe that was just a justification for my lie

She pulled apart from me and looked at me like she knows, I am lying but didn't question me further about it. I felt horrible. I am lying alot these days, lying to people, to friends, to the one's I care about and to myself.

I sighed looking at the table full of food and forced a smile, "Are you trying to turn me into a pig Mrs. De'souza?" I chuckled trying to lighten up the atmosphere. She was still looking at me with motherly affection, her eyes not leaving me for even once.

She smiled genuinely, "You have to eat Sia.... Look how fragile you look. If you won't eat all of this today I will not talk to you again...." She was acting like a kid and was emotional blackmailing me. I smiled at this thought.

I pouted looking at the food that was enough to feed atleast 10 people, "Ok I will eat all of this, ONLY if you will eat with me". I crossed my arms on my chest and emphasized the word only.

She sighed looking at me behaving so childishly, but she was finally happy to see me act like my old self after a long time. She gave up raising her hands in surrender dramatically and sat down filling my plate with food that I can eat for 3 days.

I started forcing the food down my throat, while talking to Mrs. De'souza. We smiled, laughed and talked about all the things, the nostalgic happy memories. Talking to her, I kept eating, not noticing that I was not trying that hard to keep eating anymore.

It's been so long, that I have felt at ease like this, like there is nothing wrong in life, like everything will be alright. Maybe that's how mothers make you feel, That everything will be alright, that all you need is to talk with them and then you will forget about every sorrow or worry you have. She is the definition of mother for me.

I was smiling to myself genuinely when I heard Mrs. De'souza blurt out "John and Emily would have wanted you to be always like this, Sia." My smile instantly dropped, putting the fork down in my plate I glanced at Mrs. De'souza "It doesn't matter what they would have wanted anymore Mrs. De'souza.... It doesn't matter even what I want, the only thing that matters is what needs to be done now" my voice was authorative, indicating that it was the end of conservation and there was no room for discussion anymore.

AUTHOR'S POV

Just as Mrs. De'souza mentioned those two, she knew she made a mistake. She could see the underlying coldness in Sia's eyes after mentioning about those two. It was like she was looking at a completely different person, than the one who was smiling just now. A person who has lots of secrets hidden inside their heart, dark secrets.

It was weighing Sia down Mrs. De'souza knew that. The weight of secrets and responsibilites was too heavy for her shoulders.

She didn't know what to say anymore, so she silently watched Sia moving her plate away, getting up and leaving. Her eyes followed Sia's silhoutte, until she diappeared in the corridors, like she was never there. Like it was just a dream.

Mrs. De'souza shook her head and sighed sorrowfully. She stood up to clear the table, knowing Sia won't eat now and she won't see her for the rest of the day either....

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