I tried to be cool

Her green eyes turned up, at the wooden stairs, on which I showed like some black fairy. This skirt, yah I was looking like some fantasy creator.

 -“Although I look very calm in my mind I have already hit you in the face three times!” ‘Their faces turned to me, her eyes widened as well as his. Did I just have said that loud?

“-Grhmm” I cleared my mouth…Why I just said that aloud? Oh, gods, it’s waiting a long evening.

My hand laid on the handrails of the white stairs, and the white walls of the house only further accentuated my enchanting darkness. Black nail polish firmly adhered to the railing, sliding spilled down, with each step. I hoped that my cold gaze revealed nothing about my thoughts or well-being, Sofia wanted to step away from me a bit, because of such cold and insensitive eyes, drowning in pride and arrogance. Yeah, it helps me all the time.

“- 0hh Sofia I’m so glad to see you.  Is it a new haircut? It’s very suitable for you.” I tried to divert the subject from awkward silence.

My face reflected on a loving smile. And my voice was hospitable and pleasant; it seemed I will be able to believe it by myself.

-“Thank you very much, you also look very nice, and (pause) interesting dress…. Do you sew it yourself?” ‘She looked at me from top to bellow. What do you mean interesting? Am I a clown to you that my outfit was interesting, what do you understand about fashion bitch! Tonight I rolled my eyes for all years….

-“ Mhm.” ’ I just quickly mumbled.” So, where you had cut your hair, I remember this cut was so popular in five or ten years ago. My mother is cutting the same.” I smiled but my smile wasn’t real.

-“Ok that’s enough!” Kai said it with his terrifying voice and sharp gaze, which made me shiver, I think as well as her. He stood up from the couch. He looked at me like nobody was in the room with us.

-“  Orest, what drawings did you want to show me there? I would love to see it. Can you show it to me? ‘Oh for noooow she showed how quickly she can move. Beautiful, it’s just beautiful. My mind was sarcastic more than ever.

The boy’s smile widened,“- Can we go, mum to my room? Ohh Sofia you going to like my new room so bad we painted it together with mum!” I was glad that he still looked relaxed even in the room we all were, was tensed.

 –“Yeah of course. I muttered   ‘He pulled her from the sitting room to his room by holding her hand, while Kai Gaze never let mine. I hate that my son loves her, sometimes feels that she would be a better mother, a better wife. All the time she looks calm and happy, I can vomit of her sweetness.

-“What are you doing?” Kai’s cold voice reached my ears.

-“About what are you talking?” I shrugged my shoulders.

-“Don’t pretend stupid, why you attacked that poor girl? You act like child Jesus Christ, Maya.” He brushed his hair through his finger and his hair slid so easily that they found their starting point on his head.

-“Are you fucking serious?” Angry occupied my body. One more word from him and I will throw my shoe into him. Does he think that I’m so naive; no he really thinks that I’m just only stupid. And even I’m not the blond one. Fuck him.

- “ How long are you going to attack me? What do you want from me? Maybe I should run in all directions, barely see any woman?!” He rolled his eyes.

“-So she’s already the woman for you, not a girl? I sniffed the air from my nose.” Little monster come to say goodbye for mommy! ‘ I shouted to my son who was in another room…

- “Can you not run away from me and throw everything away as soon as it becomes difficult? You know that she’s good for Orest and important to me, she’s one of my group, they all-important for me, Maia”

-“yes I had noticed that five more minutes and you would improve your importance to her.”

-“Oh my god for you I fuck all that moves. You know that I’m not interested in her as a man to a woman, just in you, Matheia Snow- Wingsman.”

-“Kai stop. I’m not 15 anymore.” I was shaking my head. “You know what? Do what you want to, I don’t care. Why should I? You can do whatever you want I’m done, I want a divorce. “ ‘I dropped my hands in the air as I would just give up.

-“Don’t.” He looked pale… I liked to see that fear in his eyes. In my belly was filling with butterflies, as I saw as all his body was shaking… I wanted to see… how hard he can be affected by the fear of being left. Of being without me.  Is it wrong that I felt the pleasure of his pain, of mine pain as well? It was like I began to play with a match on fire, the flame was beautiful, he looked beautiful, by this fear.

- “You did that to yourself to our family don’t act all the time like I’m the bad one. Look at us trying to play a perfect family, but I can’t to look at you, I can’t stand myself for what I turned, suspicious, and hysterical. I just can constantly think of how you kissed another. You said you loved me, and did you think strongly of me when you touched her? “ In his eyes, I could see hurt, he wanted something to say but, stopped himself…He closed the distance between us and I began to feel weak again. Like he wanted to take all my pain but he couldn’t. Now I wanted to hurt him, and I felt adrenaline it was like a drug to me. I needed this drug more.

“-Sometimes love isn’t enough in a relationship isn’t it Kai?” I crossed my arms as it would defend me. But he came to me and broke the distance until I haven’t my own space. He breathed in me heavily, and my hands dropped down.

“-Sometimes you must trust just in love Maia, and everything else isn’t important.” He touched my cheek and looked in my eyes with that mystery look.

” Look that video, it isn’t what you think, I just can’t tell everything, but please… He sighed heavily like he was holding something strong on his heart and mind. “You just have trust in me…” He twisted his fists.

-Trust you? Do you think I can trust you? That’s bullshit and you know…’ I couldn’t end our conversation as my son entered the room with his sad eyes. Did he hear me?

“-Mom,  dad! Are you leaving so soon? “ He looked only at me like he would insist to stay me home with his puppy eyes.

I pulled away from my men and from that white wall which was holding my back while his one hand blocked my exit. It was so hard to turn away from him; it took all my strength to do it. I looked at my son and kneeled that our eyes would be in the same line as I would speak not with the child but as to an equal person.

-Look, daddy going to be with you for tonight. If I would come back too late, he will put you to sleep ok mine monster boy?

My son took my hand, which was so cold, but my attention did not deviate from the man, Orest immediately noticed tears in my eyes, which held them as if imprisoned, stopped, and could neither break out nor disappear, just stand still in my eyes.

-“Mom, what’s happening?” My son looked concerned. His voice was shaking and I think his lips also whimpered as he spoke.

-“Nothing my monster, I'm just very excited before the show. I don't know how long it will take, so if you miss me, call me from dad’s phone and I'll tell you a new tale before bed okay?”

 ‘My boy looked confused his dark hair was a mess like all the time because if I would put it all together in their places how it should be it wouldn’t stand there even nor a minute. He all the time was moving, running, searching something interesting, and his hairs straight as needles the same as his father.  He was a copy of him but his eyes were the same as mine, dark blue. When he becomes angry or excited too much, sometimes I could swear that I see how they glow with that strange orange collar like the flame was in his eyes.

I think that the sunlight has some fabulous way to his eyes that makes some effect on him. Or maybe I’m imaging things as I used to from my childhood. Well, I don’t know but he is just gorgeous.

I took my mask of smiling, I tried to hide all my feelings from my son or my husband, what a wave of enormous anger and pain was biting my eyes.

 “- But I thought…Are you angry at dad again? Mom, please don’t leave us. You must go both”

“-Hey my little boy, about what are you talking?” I hugged him so tight I could feel as our hearts began to beat quicker. Did he noticed anything?… Gods, I began to think that it would be so good just stay at home and to just talk with them…But I couldn’t, I knew that Kai would all the time to lie to me and maybe we have sex and then a lie again, and I will be angry again, and if everything would be ok I definitely make it as hell…

And Orest… Jesus how it affects Orest? I never thought that he knew something is wrong between me and Kai. I took him both cheeks with my hands and I looked into his oceans’ eyes.

“I never going to leave you. How can you say that? I’m going to come back just maybe in late time when you will be sleeping, but I never leave you do you understand that?”’ My voice was a little bit with anger, that he thought that I can leave him, but soon I softened my gaze, he is just afraid, he is still a little boy, my little boy.

“-I…I just dreamed that you left and forget us, you didn’t want coming back.” He whispered and his lover loupe began to tremble and the tears began to make wet his eyes. “I don’t want to go to sleep if you go alone.”

“-But about ten minutes ago you were so happy.” I was confused

“-You said that you won’t go alone” He still insisted. I looked to Kai but he was turned away does Orest insist that I would go with Kai because he heard about divorce. I tried to find Kai's eyes like he could wash our damage to Orest’s insecurity, but I could only see his back. Kai was looking at the window which was as huge as a wall.  He glanced into the yard which was drowning in vegetation. White round large lights lit up trees. They swayed from the rising, strong wind. The branches of the trees slammed into each other, tearing the leaves that the wind lifted it up and down again, trying to tear them completely away from the branches. The first raindrops had hit the window glass.

The babysitter showed up a few moments later, but she didn't cross the threshold, watching Kai as he was looking at something intently. From one side I could still see his eyes. It looked so empty and his face cold and numb like a living corpse. Without waiting for anything I stood up and kissed Orest's forehead.

-“Goodbye my monster boy soon I will back to you.” ‘ I quickly stand up took my umbrella and went through doors. My legs were shaking. And my head was hurting so much. Tears were locked in my eyes and I almost didn’t breathe.