On your knees

 I never thought that my own world would become alien to me, and I would become unrecognizable even for myself. I feel so lost now. Drown  in my own shadows: and in people's eyes, whom I thought I knew…I was so wrong. We make decisions all the time as people and you don’t know which one you will build from. What would become of one another if we had a choice to become something different? And now how can I live a life that is no longer mine, but I must live it, despite feeling like an alien to it. What should I be like? How should I react or talk? How should I explain myself and where I have been?

For now, I just feel that I lost that ability to speak. Words run down my throat but hold on to a heavy lump that I can’t swallow. It feels like it swallows me. I feel like I shou….I should….I should remain at the mercy of people, PEOPLE who I don’t care anymore, not here not with them and that feeling is more heaver, than just try to survive one more day …I know how it bad sounds, I know how it is so wrong to think that I don’t care about my family, about my friend, but they have the same masks, which I had. And I don’t want to live as I used to I just feel that this is not my place. THIS IS NOT MY WORLD.

 My head burns from my thoughts, chaotic questions to which I try to find answers; I’m so messed up. Arghh, what firstly I should do? And there’s no answer for me I’m just standing here and panic goes through my blood to my heart, even though no one threatens my life anymore: I’m safe, here’s my home, just a few feet away... So why do I still feel the home breaths of an uninhabited island, it smacks me in the face, suffocating me. As a virus that spreads panic and madness. That island isn’t mine now; my heart no longer recognizes it and I know it’s a madhouse to rush back to it. That word madhouse... Yes, it reminds me of them and the place they showed me for the first time... That was a nightmare. My lovely madhouse though, I wish I knew how to get back to there again. … I MUST FIND THE WAY BACK TO HIM, to that crazy world that I tried to escape with all my strength, and now when finally I’m at home, I have no desire, but to go back. I don’t imagine how?

 (After one year of disappearance)

I’m standing there, with my clothes torn, dirty, wet, and mixed with blood that dripped from my pierced lip and from my right eyebrow. The once brightly coloured my grey shirt is now only dry, sun-heated asphalt smeared with blood.

Tip, tip, tip…. The blood of a spilled dripper was cleaner than my body. I was like a stone standing in the middle of a road, or a homeless man turned into a stone. I was covered in a large grey jacket, masculine and somewhat torn, my trousers were held by a rope, I was holding my one hand with another as if afraid that can hurt it even more. It was badly injured.

l was tired, I think I don’t remember how to relax or be calm, if even I would sleep all day and night I still would be tired, and weak. I think soon I will pass out.

 I’m trying to stand on my feet as hard as I can and just looking at the house. It was my house, well ours. It’s so strange to see it again.

 The man shows up from it, and at that moment, I raise my head to the sky. I feel calmer. My dirty cheeks are catching the rays of the hot sun, and I’m enjoying the ultra-blue sky. As I closed my eyes, I could feel even more the pleasure that was raised by the sun's rays and that clear blue sky, as if I had never seen or felt it before. The colors were bright and the weather was so fresh, that I thought it was a wonderful dream and I drank it all to myself as much as I could, despite I felt so empty inside myself.

The man stopped for a moment in the doorway, his face fading as if he had seen a ghost. He became pale like he had turned into a ghost himself. The approaching car signals to me, to get out of the way, but I don’t hear anything. The men in the car something is yelling at me, but his voice is like music to my ears and the sad smile is crossing in my face.

 I’m in trance in my own thoughts,  still enjoying the sun with the fair and sadness, but I take what I can, slowly inhale the air into myself,  I close my eyes and the tears slowly rolls away from my eyes to my cheeks.

-“what the fu…” ‘He doesn’t complete his last words, as he comes to me closer and closer. I can smell him. I almost forgot how good he always smelled, how toxicities me. But now there also was a new smell, something like alcohol. Earlier, for the first time I met him, there was just coffee, smokes and wood, but now it’s cologne mixed with…I don’t know maybe brandy? He never ever was drinking before, even at the parties, he said that his mind all the time must be clear, and the alcohol makes people stupid, it burns their brain and makes it like jelly.  Sometimes he acted as a father to me, too much protective, too possessive. It is maybe, because we had a big difference in age, or maybe just because he was all the time smarter than me.

He somehow relieved by the audible signal from the car. Immediately takes me by my shoulders, carefully pulls me to him and we both are moving away from the road. I softened by his touch but also felt harsh pain in all body when my trance was over and shock began to move away from me.

“-Kai..” ‘I whispered his name, my voice was shy and also hopeful as he would be my angel, but I knew he won’t understand. His eyes were wide and soft full of caring and love.  He is looking at me as for the first time, but I understand how strange to him I look: so skinny and dirty, he almost can’t recognize me, and he never saw that emptiness in my eyes, I can say so because I saw so many questions in his face. It isn’t an easy task to make him surprise. And I know what waits for me. I know he will reject me without any explanation, even if he would want answers from me I don’t know how to tell all the truth and with that truth, he wouldn’t take me into a madhouse. It scares me because in the world of madness I have already been.

He looked happy and at the same time terrified. In one word confused. Kai uttered in a whisper, his eyes trembling without lowering his eyes from my twisted gaze.

- “Maia is that you?”  ‘Was it the question for me or for him? I didn’t know, and the answer didn’t matter, he knew what I was but still, it was just strange to be near him.

He is more muscular than before, real Greek God, but now he doesn’t have his hair, he shaved it. And it made him even sexier. His arms now with a tattoo, I have never ever seen those tattoos on his ambry skin before, but it makes his look more dangerous. That aura around him all the time was dark and threatening but now it’s much darker than before. It scares me and the more he is looking at me, the more I’m scared of those grey wolfs’ eyes. He is so different now, so changed or maybe I just try to see my beast into him. Maybe if I try to talk with him he will understand. He hugs me, and then he pulls away from me with wide eyes. I see the darkness of death in his eyes. His cold and calm voice, like he asks if he can go and kill himself, instead I hear his question…

-“ Maia. Are you pregnant?”