And This is How It Ended

I'm really confused today. The incident last night still made me confused and uncomfortable. Everything suddenly messed up in my brain. Universe, what shall I do today?

This morning I went to class earlier. I'm lazy to eat. The incident all day yesterday was fatal for me personally. I felt as if I were being hit by repeated bullets, and I was hit badly. Until that ended my appetite decreased dramatically.

Especially last night, after Arif kissed me, he said,

"Rul, after this you may need to be even more prepared. I think there will be lots of guys who are eyeing you." Something was different this time. He doesn't use me and you anymore.

"Including you?"

"Yes, including me." There was absolutely no guilt in her voice. Suddenly horror ran through my body.

"Then what should I do?"

"Yes, just take care of your body. Don't get hit again."

I'm angry at my anger. I really want to scold the devil in human form in front of me. Doesn't he really have a heart? "Are you not my girlfriend?" Finally I dared to ask this. Don't know why, maybe ... just curious over what he had do.

"Do you want this?"

"If I say you want, you will take care of me?"

"No, it's just crazy! What am I doing?"

"Then why the whole day yesterday excuses?"

"April fools maybe? Just happy to make you blushing suddenly. And managed to make you fall in love with me, right?"

"Do not dream!" I screamed. Annoyed, angry and just wanted to go. Just a step away, he blocked my hand even harder.

"Rul, FYI, I could never like a boy. I don't want to go out with a boy. But my age needs an outlet, Rul. Whereas we all look like locked up here, every day I see boys continue. If we are together feel good doing 'that', why don't we just do it? " He whispered into my ear. Makes me even more emotional.

Rif! Dog! " I can no longer speak softly to people like him. From now on, like it or not, I have to be able to take care of myself. I can't let my guard down and get stuck again.

***

I sat in class while looking at the window. This moment is one that I really like to be alone with. Usually when it's quiet like this, I prefer to read novels. Fun, can laugh and sometimes stress yourself because of the world of the main character. The feeling will rage in my brain and live my lonely world.

But what this time, universe? I feel me

who is the main character in a novel. I had a conflict that couldn't be called light. It's a matter of pride, universe. What should I do?

I'm really confused and don't understand what to do after this. Especially if I meet Arif or Akhyar. I'm embarrassed. I've become the game for both of them. Um ... will I just report it?

No, no. It can't be like that. I can't tarnish my own good name. I'll be embarrassed too in the end. So the material for the cottage talk. The teachers would know that I was a victim of immorality - maybe? My friends will also look disgusted to me. Not to mention my parents, what do you think?

Then after they found out about all this, the most disgusting words on earth for cases like this usually came out of their lips: there wouldn't be smoke if there wasn't fire, Rul. Uh! In the end, I was also the one who got scolded, scorned and troubled.

I kept daydreaming and looking out the window. I decided to stop thinking and just enjoy the sky and the clouds in the sky. Yeppo. Jamiilatun. Beautiful.

I wish I could be as calm as the clouds over there. If there is a burden, he just has to lower the load to the earth to become raindrops. Even the burden, it could be something which the inhabitants of the earth are waiting for. Useful for the universe.

If it's my burden, what are you waiting for? Maybe just read it while swearing: dead, Rul! Weak anyway ...

Actually, to my understanding, there has never been a human on earth who likes to hear other people's complaints. After all, he himself was already in trouble. Unless humans are altruistic. That may be a different story. Or pretend to be altruistic, in order to make many friends and increase support. Meanwhile most people are built on ego. They mostly 'pretend' to listen if someone tells of their problem. Things like this should be commonly known to humans on earth. Therefore, I prefer to write to feel heard. It is enough for me and my writings and God knows what happened to me.

I was still so deep in thought that someone had sat beside me and said my name,

"Rul ..."

I looked at him. I look like I'm going to die from heart disease.

"What are you doing here?"

"Want to see you for a moment. Chat with you, can you?"

"No need. Go to your class!"

"Rul, I just wanted to say that I really like you. I need you, Rul." His face is pitiful. I'm getting sick of drama like this. That was enough yesterday with that bastard Arif! No more drama!

"By grepping my body and sassy kissing my lips, is that so?"

"That's your permission ..." "When do I allow it?"

"Before you go to sleep again, you will allow me to kiss you!" In a tone that 'sounded natural' and 'without guilt', he brought this up to me.

"You're not in your right mind! How can you take things like that seriously?"

"Chance, Rul. They say opportunity won't come twice."

"That's right. Your only chance was last night. Now you go or I'll report you to the principal as well, to let you be kicked out of this hut!" I threaten firmly.

"Yeah, yeah, Rul. Sorry. But, I still want to say that I love you. I like it. Please consider it again."

I decided to keep quiet. I immediately turned my face back and took a lying position on the table. It turned out that I was really sleepy this morning. All night I lacked sleep and my emotions seemed drained.

Before long, I heard footsteps away. Thankfully! It means that Akhyar has indeed returned to his class. Shortly after Akhyar left, children started popping up to class. The atmosphere of silence that had made my life peaceful, was immediately damaged. I tried desperately to cover my ears and head using a bag, hoping the noise would be minimized a bit.

Feeling less impactful and going to waste soon, I decided to take out my diary and write something down there. It seems like writing will bring relief. And indeed, writing is always a relief.

While enjoying writing, I saw that Tama had sat back beside me. Feelings a little disappointed again permeate my head and my heart. Arif was indeed boasting all day yesterday. And I stupidly believe that.

Hell yeah. For all of you who hope that I will go out with Arif, maintain good relations with Arif, go out with that one bastard Arif, all your questions are answered in this mosaic. You don't have to ask again about the relationship between me and Arif. You have no happy ending.

In the real world, pain is more familiar to humankind than love. That's why so many writers on earth tell stories of perfect and happy love. That's because in the real world there has never been such a happy love story. Never! That's why they write their hopes, fantasies and dreams in the form of a writing or in the form of a film. A story that tells about love that has a happy ending. They wish they could experience trifles like happy love in the real world, but really, it's all nonsense and nonsense.

"You sit here again Tam?" I asked pleasantly. Stop the silence happen. "Sorry, I used to use your chair now. Usually you sit here. All day long I want to sit here first. Is that okay?" I continued before being asked.

"Yes, Rul. Just go there, it's okay. I don't have a problem. You are healthy, right? Your face looks pale. Your hair is messy. You have eye bags under your eyes too. Are you not sleeping?"

"Huh? Ah yes?" Because this morning I was not focused and in a hurry, I didn't have the time to look in the mirror and make up my appearance. People are confused, right? Who cares about himself?

"Yes, Rul. Here I will tidy up for a while, yes, your hair." Gently, Tama's hands tidy my hair. I'm just silent accepting his treatment. Between friends, it's common.

"Great huh, have you got a new crush?" Tetiba the Arif came and immediately sarcastically - which I know for sure was directed at me - with a big hit. "Huh? Who got Rul's new crush?" Tama pulled her hands out of her hair

I. He did not understand the situation. "No, Tam. I'm just practicing drama wrote earlier. "Arif answered unclearly. He immediately move backwards. He glanced at me with that glance: disgusted, perhaps? "Eh, what's wrong with him, Rul?" Tama straight away asked me, confused.

"I don't know. Crazy people. Ah yes, by the way, why did you suddenly move to the front seat again?"

"Oh, earlier Arif in the canteen talked about changing benches again. He said he couldn't sit in front all day yesterday. Yes, where is someone like him strong? Hahaha." Tama laughed out loud. I can only smile forcefully responding to his sentence.

"Ah, I see. Okay, get it."

After that vague conversation, the history teacher walked into the class. Uh. I studied history early in the morning. It feels like the lesson to dig into the past is now suffocating and painful for me. Um, looks like, heartbroken people on earth aren't going to like history lessons! They are forced to repeat past moments in their brain. It hurts, right?

***

All day i have not focused. When asked by the teacher, I just said, "Mm ...", because I don't know what to answer with the exact sentence. The teacher just shook his head looking at me, and instead asked, "Are you sick, Rul? Resting at the UKS there!" Many times the teacher who saw me suggested the same thing. But I strengthened myself.

Until the sound of jaros leaving school, me apparently still limp. I walked unsteadily towards the hujroh. On the way, someone suddenly walked beside me,

"Rul ... What's wrong with you?" You? I think I haven't heard that pronoun for a long time. Isn't that upsetting?

"If there is a problem, you can tell me." His words sounded very sincere. Who is he? I, who had been walking down my head, started to look at him ...

"Uh, you Raf. What's wrong with me?"

"I see you are not sick outside Rul, but from inside." He said nonsense, even if it was true.

"You're right, Raf. So what? Problems for you?" I don't know why I feel like this. I didn't mean Raf, sorry ... But I'm really 'sick'.

"Let's play ball later?"

"Lazy." I immediately replied curtly. Rafli didn't do anything wrong. But why am I acting like this anyway?

"Ah sure?"

"I don't like sports, Raf."

"But that doesn't mean you can't play,„Right? After all, you will come with me to the field. Okay?"

I didn't nod, I didn't even say yes. I just care about him. Looks like his question doesn't need to be answered. That means the name! I keep going. Rafli kept pace with me. We are honest. But it's a different class. He's in class 4-intensive C. While I'm 4- intensive D. One more class for my class is called the qudama class. So actually he didn't know that I was all day

How many times have the teacher been asked to go to the UKS.

Rafli has never actually been close to me. Uh, it's wrong, there's not a single person in this pesantren land who wants to get close to me. Because I look like an alien, maybe? I don't know. I don't really care either.

As usual, when I arrived at the hujroh, I immediately drank, changed clothes, and rushed to the mosque. Communicating with God now seems more reassuring.

I then chose to be immersed in the Koran this time instead of my diary. I recited the Koran, silently begging for forgiveness.

O Allah, really, how great is my sin.

Will you forgive me? Will you protect me from lust and evil intentions? Without realizing it, wet spots made an impression on him

My Quran. My tears are falling. It was me - still - ordinary human.