Blow in the face

Damn it, what was he doing here now? My head moved to the side and I noticed that the boys from the parallel class have also arrived here. Obviously we had sports together. Great!

"Then pay close attention, Raul. You better let go of me now and never touch me again! I definitely don't want any stress with you here! Just leave me alone and you better get out of my way! And by the way, I want to have my jacket back right away, ”I replied meekly and tore myself away from the guy in panic. I couldn't bear to be touched anymore. I was aloof!

Raul looked at me from head to toe before he let go of my collar and immediately grabbed my left arm when I reflexively wanted to turn away from him. I caught my breath in shock, so that I could hardly breathe.

“I really want to, for you, Preston hope. Oh, look at that. Our fagot is even an emo! It also cuts itself! Are you going to cry in a corner now? Why do you actually do something stupid? You are probably not that man enough for this world, are you? ", Raul smiled at me as he stretched my left scarred forearm up and presented it to everyone.

Fuck, damn it. In complete panic, I tried to release myself from his grip and spoke energetically: “Let go of me immediately, Raul! You don't give a shit what I have there! "

"To be honest, I don't care either, that shit! As far as I'm concerned, jump in front of the next train! I think you'd do the world a favor. Come on, let's go and give the loser his stupid jacket back. Not that he's starting to cry like a girl, ”he said briefly and headed for the door.

"Such a victim, old man" "Yes, you can say out loud" "Gay Emo", the others whistled to laughter.

The other boys laughed and threw my black sports jacket in front of my feet and rumbled again roughly as I passed before they followed the hollow head.

My heart was pounding like crazy. I narrowed my eyes painfully and tried to ignore the emerging memories. Raul's statement must have just evoked something that I had actually long thought to put in the back drawer and forget. My legs involuntarily gave way under me and ugly thoughts constricted my throat. My stomach rebelled and I hurried to the nearest toilets to throw up. Only when nothing came anymore did I suddenly gasp for air and shiver all over like crazy.

From then on I was definitely through in my class. Now I could only hope that this new knowledge, about me, wouldn't get around to the whole school. Why hadn't I been more careful, idiot. Should have known that there would be problems when they saw my tattoo, since I was only 15 years old. Let alone the scars. Damn! Nobody knew her, not even my mom. She would definitely be shocked and drag me to the nearest therapist. Damn it, if only I was dead.

I spent a desperate five minutes standing in front of the entrance doors of the sports hall and trying to enter them. I just couldn't get over myself. So I gave up and decided to go home without further ado. In my wretched existence, I just couldn't manage to mingle with the other students. I just couldn't stand the crowd. The sheer panic overwhelmed me.

I hastily packed up my stuff and hurried outside. I walked all the way home to school. I couldn't even get down the stairs to the subway. My head was still riding an excruciating roller coaster.

Going home to sleep a bit seemed the only way to switch off for a moment. Because I didn't want stress under any circumstances and I didn't want to miss my cell phone either. I just tried to forget about the incident and put my poker face back on. When I got home, I sat down on my bed with my clothes on and immediately fell asleep exhausted.

When my mum found me sleeping in bed, she finally woke me up and asked me if everything was ok and how school was.

Still a little dazed, I answered her: “I'm fine. I was just tired after school. "

"Do we want to go into town and buy your cell phone or should we do it tomorrow?" She asked ignorantly.

"No. I'll get up right away and then we can go, "I replied briefly and sat up slowly.

"OK. Is everything really all right, my baby? ”She asked worriedly and wanted to stroke my cheek.

"Man Ma, yes it is. May I get ready, please, ”I nagged, because I really hated asking questions about holes in my stomach and took her hand off.

"Well. Then freshen up. I'll wait downstairs, ”she said angrily and left my room.

When we got home that evening, Joe had finished eating and we ate together. Luckily Joe and my mum were busy talking to each other about their day. So I had my peace and quiet and poked around in my plate, not very hungry.

"Are you okay, Preston?" My stepfather suddenly asked me and looked at me invitingly.

"Yes," it came back, shocked. Unfortunately, the fork fell out of my hand in shock.

"Preston, if something is bothering you, feel free to say it. Can you talk to us Are your classmates nice to you? “, My mum intervenes.

"Yes damn it. I would like to go to my room, if it is approved ”, I said back annoyed and got up from the table.

“Preston not in that tone! Please sit down immediately when we talk to you! By the way, your school contacted me. You fought in the school yard yesterday. This morning you got caught smoking on the school grounds and stayed away from physical education? What do you have to say about that, Preston? “, Joe said in a serious tone and looked at me sternly.

With my head bowed, I sat down on the chair without saying a word. Great. That stupid director actually called my old man.

"What? Preston! Lord God, what has happened again? Can you explain to me what your defiant behavior is about? It's gradually enough for me to constantly pull you out of the shit, why are you doing this to me? ”Tesa interfered to make matters worse.

"A guy from my parallel class turned on me stupidly and I just defended myself", I added truthfully.

"For heaven's sake. What's the matter with you, Preston? I do not understand you. Why are you always making it so difficult for me? ”My mom continues to grumble, worried and angry at the same time.

“Can't I even defend myself? You told me not to put up with everything or did you forget that? "I said meekly and crossed my arms over my chest.

“But that's not the kind of defend I meant. Besides, why have you been caught smoking again? I talked to you about stopping when we are in Germany! You promised me! Joe took it from you too! Then just skip classes and also do sports, which you used to enjoy doing! You disappoint me, Preston, really! ”Tesa shared angrily.

"Go to your room! Immediately! We'll think of a punishment for your behavior. Tesa darling, he has received a warning for the time being. Only when he is noticed uncomfortably again, there is a threat of reprimand, "said Joe and I immediately hurried up the stairs to my room.

I slammed the door with tears in my eyes. I ran to my bed and pulled my book out from under my pillow. Full of anger, hatred and despair, I knelt in front of the bed. Hastily, with mum's hurtful words still in my ear, I turned the pages quickly. Frozen for a moment by the sight, I tore it out of the blade for a moment. This oppressive feeling constricted my throat and had to swallow hard. I quickly let the sharp-edged slide slide over my left forearm a few times. First it burned. Then small drops formed and the blood oozed out in a line. With a sigh of relief I laid my heavy head against the bed frame and peered expressionlessly at my bleeding forearm lying in my lap.

"Damn it," I said hotter and wiped a tear from my cheek. I didn't want that anymore. Why doesn't this shitty feeling leave me alone, I thought. Pictures twitched blurred before my eyes and I would like to scream everything out. Still, I remained silent and bit my lip convulsively.

In doing so, I reflexively squeezed the blade, which was still in my hand, so tightly and let go of it immediately when I was pulled through.

"Fuck," I cursed in a whisper. Leave me alone at last. I thought I had pushed it aside and packed it up. Nevertheless, from time to time, sometimes more, sometimes less, I felt this pain catching up with me and taking possession of me. Like it happened yesterday ...

I pulled out my sleeve so as not to have to see the fucking wounds and put the sharp-edged back in the page of the open book. Twisted briefly for dessert, I fished a ballpoint pen out of the drawer and leafed through a blank page:

I can clearly feel the pain rising within me. Everything seems to have stopped and nothing but empty remained! Everything seems to be the same. Now I look inside out. It feels like a shitty storm raging The feelings become confused, the gaze freezes. Lost the shore. You want to evade, but in the end the blow in the face comes back and breaks you ...