The Morning After

"Bakit hindi mo sinabi? Ano 'yung nangyari ng gabing 'yon? Palabas lang?" Galit si Nova pero nangingibabaw ang kagustuhan niyang masagot lahat ng tanong niya. "Did you do that just to fuck me? Huh?"

Sumugod siya sa opisina ni Grey sa coffee shop na pagmamay-ari nito. Naabutan niyang nakaupo si Grey habang tila malalim ang iniisip.

"Bakit? Sagutin mo ako bakit!" untag ni Nova. She could not accept the fact that Sebastian fooled her. Tinanggap niya ito dahil sa pagmamahal na naramdaman niya tuwing binabasa niya ang mga sulat na iniiwan sa pintuan niya. She loved him even more because she thought they were destined to be together.

But all was a lie.

"Totoo 'yon. Hinahabol talaga ako ng mga lalakeng 'yon. But not because I hurt a woman they know. But because they harassed a girl in the parking lot so I gave one of them a good punch," sagot ni Grey. Bahagya itong ngumiti. "Hindi ko akalaing magtatagpo tayo sa ganoong sitwasyon.

"It was really a call of emergency so I did that to you. Iiwanan na rin sana kita. But I saw your eyes. You looked so wasted," patuloy nito. "That moment I knew, hindi muna dapat kita iwan. Hindi rin naman kita magawang iwan. That was the first time I held you. . . for the last seven years of thinking about you."

"W-what?" naiiling na tanong ni Nova habang pinapahid ang mga luha niya. "Did you know that Seb took your place? Inamin niya sa akin na siya ang nagpapadala ng sulat! Hindi man lang niya binawi kahit naghiwalay na kami. I lived my life for more than five years believing he was the one sending me letters."

"Seb is a good friend. He knew I was sending letters to you. Wala naman siyang interes sa 'yo at first, but when he finally met you, things changed. Hindi ko rin alam na ganoon na ang nangyari. He just ignored me and cut our connection. Later I knew, kayo na pala."

Lalong nanghina si Nova. Napahawak siya sa sentido niya dahil sa iba't ibang senaryo na pilit na bumabalik sa isipan niya. 

"I'm sorry if I do not have the guts to tell you who I really was back then. Natatakot kasi akong makaistorbo sa pag-aaral mo. You never answered my letters but I could hear you in the wall reading it happily. That was enough for me. Masaya na ako sa ganoong set-up. Wala pa rin naman akong mapapatunayan noon."

"B-bakit hindi mo sinabi no'ng gabing 'yon?"

"Para saan pa?"

Natigilan si Nova sa itinanong ni Grey. Para saan nga ba? Kung nalaman niya ba noong gabing iyon ay may mababago? Higit sa limang taon pa rin ang lumipas. Higit sa limang taon pa rin siyang nagbuhos ng pagmamahal kay Sebastian. Wala sa senaryo si Grey. Wala.

"I never love anyone beside you, Nova," Grey admitted while staring at her. "I blamed myself so much after hearing what that guy did to you. I've been a coward. But then I thought, if I was brave enough to tell you my feelings, would I be enough like Sebastian? Mararating ba natin ang limang taon. . . kung ako 'yon? Yes, he cheated on you. But your eyes back then speak love. Wala na akong laban."

"You should have tried," naiiling na pahayag ni Nova. "You should have tried."

"No," ani Grey habang umiiling. "You thought I was just a random guy who did not let you feel alone. You thought I somehow took away your pain. But no. Mas nagpapasalamat ako kasi hindi mo ako iniwan ng gabing 'yon. The pain I had been hiding for the last seven years slowly disappeared. I badly wanted to hold you tight that night, Nova."

"Grey. . ."

Grey stood up. Tumalikod siya kay Nova at tumungo. "What happened that night. . . was my first. I know that was wrong. But you know what I was wishing for days after? Weeks after? Too selfish of me pero sabi ko sana bumalik ka. Sana hanapin mo ako, and tell me you are pregnant. But you never showed again."

Napalunok si Nova sa mga katotohanang binabanggit ni Grey. Hindi nagbunga ang nangyari sa kanila noong gabing iyon. She was quite afraid back then but she promised that if you would get pregnant, she would raise the child alone. Itinatak niya sa isip niya na hinding hindi na niya gagambalain noon si Grey, anuman ang mangyari.

"Tell me. . . mahal mo pa ba ako?" diretsong tanong ni Nova. Alam niyang mali na ang nagiging direksyon ng usapan.

Grey turned around to meet her gaze. "What if I say yes? Iiwan mo ba si Coby?"

"No," mabilis na sagot ni Nova. "Hindi kita minahal, Grey. For me, you are just a stranger I met during my worst night. Pero ngayong nalaman ko na ang totoo. . . alam mo kung anong nararamdaman ko ngayon? Gusto kitang saktan.

"I want to hurt you like what you are doing to me now! I lived with lies! Hinayaan mo lang 'yon. Hinayaan mo lang ako. And when you finally got the chance to talk to me, you fucked me instead of telling me the truth!" halos pasigaw na wika ni Nova. Pinipigilan niya ang hikbi niya pero kusang umaagos ang luha niya.

"Because things won't change! Kahit ngayon. Hindi pa rin ako ang pipiliin mo kahit mahal kita.  And I accepted the truth that I won't be anyone's guy because I will just be waiting for you. Hihintayin kita kapag nasaktan ka. Hihintayin kita kapag kailangan mong umiyak. I will just wait until the day you don't have someone to run into, until the night you need me."

Grey shed tears, but he quickly wiped it away. He smiled at Nova. "I wanted to talk to you after that night, pero nawalan ako ng lakas ng loob. I wanted you to have a fresh start, without Sebastian, without me. I went to our old condo and sent a letter kahit wala ka na doon. I just felt the need to.

"I'm sorry if I hurt you. I'm an asshole. I just wish you happiness."

Nova stood up, held Grey's hands. Matagal na katahimikan ang namayapa bago siya muling nagsalita. "Find someone you could offer your love to. Someone who will not treat you like a bad stranger because you said so. You deserve to be happy, too."

Tuluyang napaiyak si Grey habang mahigpit na nakahawak sa mga kamay ni Nova. He could not let his feelings go.  Hindi niya kaya. Hindi pa siya napapagod na hintayin si Nova.

Bumitiw si Nova at kinuha ang envelope ng mga sulat sa bag niya. Iniabot niya iyon kay Grey. "Read it and burn it. You are not the same Gregory Castillo a decade ago. Ibang iba ka na ngayon. Please don't live your life hurting yourself."

Marahang tumango si Grey. Inayos nito ang sarili at ngumiti. "When we had coffee, the morning after, I realized bakit kita mahal."

Natigilan si Nova sa pagpahid ng mga luha niya at napatitig muli kay Grey.

"Kasi kahit alam kong mali ang nangyari, okay lang. I had sinned but I don't mind. Because it's you. I can make myself look bad because I don't want you to see me as a good guy. Because I don't want you to be near me and just hurt you," halos pabulong na pahayag ni Grey.

Napatungo si Nova habang pinupunasan ang natitirang luha sa pisngi niya. Hindi niya magawang sumagot. Punong puno ng what ifs ang isipan niya.

She was hurt but she could not imagine what Grey has gone through. Mas nasasaktan siya para dito. She wanted to tell him everything is going to be okay but how?

Her phone rang and that snapped her back to reality. Coby was calling. Hindi niya iyon sinagot agad.

"I-I need to go," aniya kay Grey.

Marahan itong tumango. "Y-yes. He must be waiting."

She answered the call and walked her way out. Hindi niya alam pero mas lalo siyang naiyak habang naririnig ang boses ni Coby sa kabilang linya.

"Are you crying?" nag-aalalang tanong nito. "Do you want me to pick you up? Nasaan ka na ba?"

"N-no. Nasa taxi na ako. May dinaanan lang ako. I'll see you later, Coby. I love you," Nova whispered.