27. NEVER BELITTLE LOVE

Who knew, seeing her in that railway station would be our last meet. Who knew, wiping her tears would be the last chance to show my care. Who knew, the crave to see her in that blue lehenga will remain unfulfilled. Who knew, whispering of her wish in that bus ride of getting man and woman next year will just remain a sweet wish. I wish I knew, tears will leave her eyes and stuck to mine forever. I wish I knew, the one who gave hopes in life will shatter so brutally. I wish I knew, the crave to hug her in that railway station will never get fulfilled. I wish I knew, I had to weave our dreams alone forever. I wish I knew, she will take away all my happiness and leave my body with a deep wound forever. I wish I knew, my dreams of being with her forever will end up being with her wounds. I wished lots of things. 

Kartik and Ankit tried a lot to convince her, but they were futile. So, they ended up confronting me with a shoulder full of sympathy. I came home early from the bank with a heart rarely pumping and a body almost paralyzed. I threw myself on the bed, pressed face hard on my pillow and let myself release all my agony from eyes. My chest constantly lifted a heavy burden, as I have to carry the weight of those beautiful memories which will become a haunting nightmare.

 It lost me in my painful and bitter realization of never getting an experience of her presence again in my life. My heart shattered at the thought of never seeing her again. I cried like a child in front of my mom. She too cried knowing what happened to me. She too had made her mind to see Nisha as a bride of our family. It crushed her with tears. She too went numb for a while. 

At night, I thought I could turn back time, and undo what I did three years ago, which might have forced her to take the step as a revenge. If there was some magical power which can change her mind. If it was a bad dream and tomorrow morning when I will wake up, I will find her in my arms again. I wished she will text now and say it was a joke, we planned to disturb you, as we used to do before. I wished I could undo today from my life. I don’t remember when alarm knocked six in the morning. I got to know I cried the whole night. My eyes went red, and it was itching like hell. I avoided going to gym and found more comfortable in bed with her memories. 

I went to the bank and escaped from our morning meeting. Entire day I cried, sitting at the bank backyard. Doubts encircled my mind. Was it a conspiracy? Did she know everything? How can someone change their mind at sudden? She must have planned before. But if she had planned before, then why she skid from stairs? I doubted everything, every single moment. I analyzed every word and action of her and tried to connect everything to solve the biggest puzzle of the world which she gave.

Entire day went by crying and missing her, and the night was worse than my last night. As I had skipped last day’s dinner and lunch, my stomach was paining, I was suffering from a severe headache. I suffered from fever too. Everything at once. I realized, soon death will grab me in his arms and I will be free from an unbearable pain. It worried my mom but I liked it.

 Whole night I thought what to do to get her back. It was not a good idea to interrupt her marriage. As the dignity of her family will get dissolved on earth. I got to know, genuine love is not always about getting whom we love. Sometimes walking away for their happiness is also love. A pure love, where we just want happiness of our beloved one. I lost my right to present my love for her, but I still had the right to love her forever. From hiding in my arms to hiding in my heart. From showing to the world to hiding from world, I decided to text her for the last time. That night, I brought reality from imaginations. When two threads get tangled and we have to break one to solve it, we break the same thread which is less valuable for us and that’s what Nisha did. I realized the thread, after getting broken, loses its value and is of no use. So, I planned every single thing according to it. In my mind, I made a to-do list for my next day. I pictured everything and my decision satisfied me.

So, next day I ate my breakfast, which my mom had cooked with love and compassion. I ate half of what she had served. I gazed at her like never, while eating. She was happy, seeing me eating my breakfast with a smile. She thought I had cope up from the pain I had till last night. Then I had a look of my father. The person who had lots of expectations for his old age. The one who gave me everything for my career. The one who helped me out to start a business. 

I confronted my mom, I won’t cry any more. You won’t see tears in my eyes. I felt sorry for both of them and left my home, which was filled with an aroma of my Dilpari.

As I stepped out from my house, I walked a few steps and turned back. My mom shouted, “Come home soon.” I just smiled and replied in my mind, ‘I wish I could’. I gave her a smile which she would remember forever.

After giving her a smile, I walked again. My sweet home was heaven for me till I found a new heaven somewhere out of this world, where there will be no pain of detachment. I smiled at my house, which was filled with the memories of Nisha, because those memories were ready to haunt me at night. My smile was bigger than before as I was happy to get salvation from everything happened to me two days before. 

When I stepped in the bank, I found the atmosphere different. Our manager was no more arrogant. Everything was pleasant. The frustrated face of employees looked smiley that day. I attended the morning hurdle and sat in front of my desk. I signed in for the last time and resigned from my job. Attaining one salvation from the job, I smiled with my joined lips, delighted with the freedom. I distanced myself from the bank and took my mobile out of my pocket to text Nisha once more for the very last time of my life. Who knew the one who wanted to put his world in her footsteps will summarize his world in a single message. I texted.

Hi!

Keeping in mind whatever happened between us for the past ten years, I think you are right. Someone had to take that bold step, which needed a lot of courage. I will never blame you for this. I am glad because you took that bold step for your happiness. It was tough for me to fight the battles my life had started giving one after another. As you are starting a new life, I wish you a happy and prosperous married life. I hope you will manage the scars of our love well. If I knew you will take this step, I would have hugged you that day on the railway station and kissed your forehead for the last time and wished you a beautiful goodbye forever. You taught me what love is and left without teaching how to live without it. I am saying this for last time as I will not have the right to say anymore, I love you Nisha, I love you from the extreme corner of my heart my Dilpari. I will love you forever, my Ardhangini. You will always be in my heart and in my prayers too. You are the only person I have ever loved in my life. I am extremely sorry for the pains and struggles I gave you the entire life. I wish the purpose for which you have left me gets fulfilled. If you will be happy with him then trust me, I will be the happiest person in this world to see you smiling. I know, unfortunately I became the biggest trouble of your life which will no more trouble you yet I am saying this, if you ever be in trouble and need my help, do not hesitate to ask. I will always be there for you. I will never disturb you in your married life. Bye forever and take care. You can be his wife, but you will always be my ‘Ardhangini’.

I ended my last message with a long paragraph and blocked her from WhatsApp. A burden released from my chest as I texted her and stepped towards the station where we met for the last time. I was going to put a stain in my parents’ upbringings. I was sorry for them. I was sorry for myself too as I lost the battle which I was fighting for the last three years. I never failed in my life. Whatsoever, I achieved whatever I chased. But I had disrupted the flow. It was unbearable for me to live with the pain. So, I closed my eyes and thought once again about whatever I decided the last night and I found every right to make myself free forever from that pain. So, I reached the station where we last met. 

Everything was same. Trains were running, people were rushing and the crowd was howling. I closed my eyes and asked god for the last time. Why didn’t you inform me it was our last meet? I just want to meet her once before I forget her forever. And for my surprise, I heard a voice, which was unknown to me. It asked.

“What will you do if you meet?” 

I opened my eyes to see who was that and for my surprise I found Nisha waiting for me. Smiling and calling me with arms opened to hug me tight and liberate me from my pain. That time she was standing on the track. I was pleased to see her calling me. The atmosphere was silent, as if the universe has stopped. Step by step, I headed towards her. I found the train coming towards her to bind us together forever. I found my happiness once again and stepped forward to hug my world. Everything was on time. My steps matched the rush of the train.

I found, entire universe had planned to unite us forever. My peace of soul increased as I stepped forward and the question which I didn’t ask her over the call which always formed an urge in my mind to ask. The question which flashed every time on my closed eyes, which broke me into pieces. It will always knock my mind if I don’t get the answer from her. I stepped forward and came infront of her. Ready to finish the pain forever and begin a new life with her in peace.

I uttered the answer to the strange voice that I just want to ask her a question. A question which I had thought to ask Nisha when she would return. It knocked every day in my mind for the past twelve days. The one didn’t allow me to sleep at night. Standing just beside the railway track at the edge of the platform from where I was about to ignite with the glory of loving her for those ten years. I knew, I will never get a chance to ask anyone in my entire life as the world will find me crazy for asking. A question I will always regret, why I am not asking anyone. A question which will prove her happiness still matters a lot to me even after getting destroyed by her sudden decision.

I knew if I stay alive, I will always regret for ‘A mistake that changed my life’. So, with a smile on my face and tears in eyes, I closed my eyes for the last time and leaned forward in her arms to get liberated by that train and asked. 

How is your leg?