Help me

Its been two weeks two days and five minutes since the incident that shall not be spoken about happened.

I haven't left my room much, just following my new found pattern, classes-church-room, i felt a fierce need to reaffirm my faith, I needed God more than ever.

It seemed like everyone knew what i had done, i couldn't get over the look of disgust on everyone's faces or maybe it was just my imagination.

I reeked of Shame and uncertainty, i didn't talk to mom much anymore, i felt like i had betrayed and shamed her.

I saw cherry here and there, she always tried to talk to me but i always found a way to dodge every attempt, there was this constant flash of hurt whenever I looked into her eyes but she needed to understand, this new world she pushed me into was dragging me under.

I had a sinking feeling that i was going to drown.

Sermons these days seem to about me, I've been losing a lot of sleep with tears as my new friend.

I felt like i would burn if i stepped into the place i once loved, it felt like i wasnt part of his grand plan anymore.

I felt weak, drained of all life force, I couldn't remember the last time i went to class, i knew i was failing terribly, i needed to get my life in order.

But how can i do that?, When my body soul and mind is conflicted, how could i grasp reality when this all felt like a horrible nightmare.

Doors and doors of forgotten memories began to surface, unusual thoughts from all angles, i was stuck between good and bad, right and wrong.

I wanted to scream out my frustrations, why did she kiss me?, I wasn't looking for this, i thought she was my friend, i wanted a man, no no i needed a man, that was the right thing, that was the right way.

I needed to accept the paths of life, Basic tradition, the basic concept, man & wife not any other way.

I had been hanging out with a guy, his name's Raymond, he's not really my type but I'm really desperate to go back to normal.

He's really sweet, i see him as my rock. My sadness, uncertainty, everything, everything bad about me, wrong about me, i don't feel it with him, I'm happier with him but he's not what i want.

I shake my head while i look out to the people passing by the coffee shop, I always loved to think of other people, their lives, their ambitions, their pain.

I always knew I was unstable, physically, emotionally, mentally, i always craved that attention, praise, presence.

Its been two weeks and i still didn't know how long it would take to move on from cherry, to stop, to get back on the right track, I've been good, I've been faithful, I've prayed day in and day out for God to help me.

I bit down on my lower lip to stop myself from crying, i felt lost, i was so far gone, why wasn't he saving me?, I've followed him all my life, he's the only thing I've ever known.

I knew i looked pathetic sitting in a cafe, crying my eyes out, yup i couldn't fight my tears anymore, i was so confused, i needed someone to guide me, i needed to understand, it was so wrong but she felt so right.

My Bible says I'm going to hell cause it's an abomination, my Bible says he created Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve, this was the book of books, the one thing i couldn't argue with, this book has ruled my every thought.

Just one kiss, all it took was one kiss for me to forget my teachings, the itch to turn my back on my religion, to sin just this one time.

The sin i wouldn't be able to stop, a sin that would become a choice, this sin that i craved to the deepest part of me, I looked up to the sky.

"Tell me I'm wrong father" i whispered through my tears, "Tell me this is wrong please, just say something please".

"I'm sorry partner"

I didn't even try to wipe my tears, i couldn't fight anymore, I knew that voice, I knew that presence anywhere, I knew her anywhere.

I stared at cherry, I looked at her through my tears, those eyes held the same pain i'm sure i couldn't hold in, my tears kept coming, i didn't even argue when she took my hands in hers, when she paid for my coffee, when the led me through the streets.

The streets i had come to love, everything was blurred by my tears, i asked God to give me a sign and here she was.

Was this a joke?, I asked God for one thing and he sends me the opposite, we walked down familiar lanes to the spot, our spot, a park.

We sat on one of the benches, people ran round, families bonded, I got lost staring, i had almost forgotten how beautiful this was, how natural It felt.

I could feel her eyes on me but I refused to turn, I knew if i did, i wouldn't have the strength to continue my path, i wouldn't be in my right senses but i knew i was wrong.

As much as i thought I was being manipulated, forced against my will, this felt like I was actually being the real me, being the whole me without hiding.

"Look at me" she said

I couldn't, i shouldn't, i woul-

"Please" I could hear the break in her voice, my heart was breaking too but i needed to be strong.

"Please baby please" her minty breath fanned my left cheek as i shivered, my hands were trembling, she wasn't playing fair.

"Please baby" she cupped my chin tilting my face, forcing my eyes to meet hers, a whimper escaped my lips.

Her eyes, i had missed everything about them, i loved everything about them, her blue eyes were dull, still i saw everything she wanted me to see, felt everything she needed me to feel.

She traced my face with her fingers like she was memorizing a path, like she was reading a map, like i was her favorite antique, she made me feel loved.

My breath hitched when she brushed her nose with mine, my whole body was on fire, I could jump into a freezing lake and still burn like lava, she held the key to this heat, only she could quench it, only she could do it.

When her lips met mine, i thought i had gone brain dead for a while, she tugged my lower lip dragging a moan out of me, she was supposed to quench this fire, dull this heat but with her hands on me and lips dragging me half insane, i was nowhere near getting cold.

She kissed me like her life depended on it, her hands were everywhere and not where i wanted them, I didn't know what I wanted but i knew i needed it fast.

I'm not sure how long we sat there kissing but i could stay here forever, time frozen with her, the soft chime of my phone dragged my attention back to reality.

I pulled away from the kiss, not before she sucked my lower lip into her mouth giving it a soft bite but i felt it in places i didnt know existed.

We were breathing heavily after our hot makeup session, i fumbled through my bag for my phone till i found it only to drop it again.

Cherry chuckled as i fumbled through the bag again, the notification glaring at me turned my blood to ice.

Tuesday 4th

BIBLE STUDY

16:30

I felt chills all over, definitely not the good kind, i smiled at cherry and gave her a hug, i was searching for myself but cherry was really precious to me, i wouldn't mess it up a second time.

I stood in front of the familiar structure waiting to be burned to crisp, for the skies to turn red, my bones turned to ash and my soul handed to the devil but none of that happened.

I walked in, took a seat on the last pew like usual, held my rosary in one hand as i keyed into the sermon.

"-this is the time when the devil will like to lure you into his trap, where the devil will use any means possible to push you away from salvation, away from Gods grace, away from the promise you made to God" the priest bellowed from the altar

"1 Timothy 1:8-11

8 We know that the law is good if one uses it properly. 9 We also know that the law is made not for the righteous but for lawbreakers and rebels, the ungodly and sinful, the unholy and irreligious, for those who kill their fathers or mothers, for murderers, 10 for the sexually immoral, for those practicing homosexuality, for slave traders and liars and perjurers—and for whatever else is contrary to the sound doctrine 11 that conforms to the gospel concerning the glory of the blessed God, which he entrusted to me.

Homosexuality, an aberation in the sight of God, a stain on community, wrong doings, detestable individuals.

They are not only to be put to death but they deserve to be, if you can't trust my words then trust the book, trust the Bible, trust the truth

Leviticus 20:13

13 “ ‘If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.

The Lord said it, he revealed it, there's no good way, there's nothing for those sinful degenerates, curses on them" wow father, if you could just take deep breathes right now "they aren't going to inherit the kingdom of God".

"Hear me and hear my voice, for flesh will remain flesh and for the heart will know where to follow, trust in the Lord and he will guide you

1 Corinthians 6:9-11

9 Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

Until you're washed, until you're cleansed, until you accept Jesus as your one and only saviour, until you lay down your heart for him, you won't inherit our promised Land, any suggestions or questions or just an addition".

I didn't know what compelled me to raise my hand up, everyone turned to me but I wasn't going to be deterred, I needed answers and clarification.

"Yes daughter you may speak"

"Father, the whole strain on sexuality, the whole shying away from it, the hatred poured into teaching it, didn't this Bible tell us to love our neighbors as ourselves" A lot of gasps echoed round the small church

"Oh daughter" he laughed, "it might be true but I'm sure exceptions would be made on this topic" I didn't know if he wanted to sound humorous but I wasn't buying that anymore.

"The Bible says do not argue, twist or change the words of the scripture, exceptions cannot be made father, as the homosexuals from hell go back to their dwelling place isn't hating on your neighbor a sin, isn't wishing ill, thinking ill, saying bad things upon your neighbor a sin"

My voice echoed through the chapel with conviction.

"Well daughter, I cannot say, all I know is the scripture and all I see is the words of the scripture, bad Is bad and good is good, thank you for your contribution"he didn't even let me contribute, with the stink eye I'm getting from him, I could get runned over for all he cared.

"Let us pray, the Lord be with you"

A series of "and also with you" echoed out

"Go in peace for the mass has ended in the name of the father"

We all made the sign of the cross as he made his way out of the chapel.

Well that went well, a lot of people smiled at me while some looked at me like they knew my deepest darkest secrets, I didn't care about the disgust anymore.

We were all going to hell so why bother, we could pretend and cloak ourselves in the garment of religion, I love Jesus, I believe in him and that's all that mattered.

I walked down the familiar halls to a familiar door with a spring in my step, I knocked rapidly.

"Oh come on I paid for the books, why are yo-, partner"

I crushed my lips to hers, I missed them, i was too fast for her to keep up so she submitted to me, that night words didn't need to said.

Fingers had to do the work