Thirty Four

Lucas took her clothes and left her to finish up in the bathroom. By the time she was done, he was gone. Patrick's body was gone. He had told her to leave as soon as she was ready, he said he will take care of everything. All the other details, she didn't have to know. She tried to put back all the stuff in its place before she left. She wanted to call him so bad but she didn't, she went straight to her cottage and spent a sleepless night alone.

**********

John started a new shooting day the next day. He was excited to go back to the cottage afterwards. Just before the day was wrapped, there was a fuss among the crew who where watching the TV. Sonya called John over, "The guy who broke in to the cottage ... his name was Patrick Evans, wasn't it?" she whispered to him.

"Yeah, why?"

"The local news said they found him at the bottom of a cliff, he fell in his motorbike and died," she explained.

"What?" he went over to see what's left of the news, and then he saw it, Patrick Evans ID and passport was shown on TV and his body being evacuated from the scene of the accident.

John   : Sandy ... have you seen the news?

John   : Was that him?

Sandy: Yes ... it's him

John   : I thought he went on a plane on Tuesday?

Sandy: Apparently not ... (silent)

John   : Are you alright?

Sandy: Yes, I'm just shocked ... and relieved ... I don't know ... it's weird

John   : Are you at the cottage?

Sandy: Yeah, I'm here

John   : Okay ... I'll be there as soon as possible

Sandy: I'll see you soon, bye

She was extremely quiet that night. John couldn't help but think there was something more than what she was telling him. But she didn't want to talk, she just wanted to drink wine, lots of wine and have lots of sex. Even then, she felt different, distant, as if she was getting over something through sex. She was on top of him, grinding away, her head was somewhere else, she wasn't even looking at him.

"Talk to me," he said.

She didn't answer. She felt so good it distracted him. He came for the third time that night, he was extremely exhausted and a little drunk. She was getting ready to have another go.

"Stop it," he refused. He never refused, ever.

She kept kissing his neck and licked him all over, she wanted another go.

"No ... Sandy ... stop it," he told her again.

She buried her face on his shoulder and wrapped her arms around him. She kept it all inside, the hardest thing to do was to keep secrets from the one that she loves.

"What is it, baby? Do you want to talk about it?" he asked with a gentle voice.

She shook her head.

"Okay," he paused. "Look at me," he said.

She didn't budge.

"Look at me," he asked again.

She lifted her head and looked at him.

"There you are," he smiled. "I haven't seen you all night ... are you alright?"

She curved a smile, he was so easy in the eyes, "I am now."

He was relieved to see her back again. "Good ... I missed you ... we were making love all night but you seemed so far away."

"I'm here," she answered swiftly.

He swiped her hair so he can see her face, "Welcome back ... so what do you wanna do now?"

She smiled shyly, "Do you have to ask?"

"Oh no ... no more ... I'm so tired baby ... I can kiss you," he negotiated.

She kissed him and bit the bottom of his lips gently.

"I can kiss you down there." he told her.

She let him slip his way down and kissed her. He took care of her like he always did.

**********

She was drinking her coffee in the kitchen, gazing at the front lawn. He was sure she didn't get any sleep last night. "Good morning," he greeted her and hel her from behind.

"Good morning," she said with a smile. "Kevin is coming today ... he'll be staying here with me for a couple of weeks, is that alright?"

"Of course ... I can finally get to know the little guy," he was excited.

"Yeah ... I can't believe it's finally over," she exhaled deeply.

He kissed her cheek, "I'm glad too ... I gotta go get ready, what time is Kevin coming?"

"After lunch, I'm picking them up at the airport and then I'll drop my mom at her house."

"When do I get to meet your mom?" he said playfully, and she laughed it off.

**********

He came back to a very different scene that night. Sandy was cuddling and laughing with Kevin on the couch. She was going to get him ready for bed when he entered the cottage.

"Hi! ... Kevin, this is my friend, John ... do you remember?" she told him. Kevin stared at John, unsure what to say or do, he held on to his mom's legs.

"Hey, Kevin, I heard you were coming, so ... I bought you something." John took out a box of Captain America and he immediately ran over to John to get his present.

"What do you say, honey?"

"Thank you," he said timidly with a shy look in his eyes.

John tussled his hair and smiled, "You're welcome buddy."

"Okay, we'll play with that tomorrow, it's past your bedtime sweetheart ... let's go brush your teeth, and I'll read you something."

Kevin was so sweet, he listened to his mom and ran to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He took Captain America with him to bed.

It was the first time he really saw her as a mother. She was just Sandy all these times. He was about to experience a very different side of her with Kevin. Just when he thought he couldn't fall deeper in love with her, he fell further to the mother in her.

He watched her intently as she put Kevin to bed, prepared his meals, played with him, kissed and snuggled with him. The way she changed his clothes, washed them, negotiated with him when he wanted something he couldn't have, cleaned him. She was everything he wanted in a woman, a mother of his children.

They would have breakfast together every morning when Kevin was there. John managed to capture Kevin's affection by taking him for a swim before he went to work. He took him out for a 10 minute motorbike ride after breakfast because Kevin had asked him to. Sometimes they played hide and seek while Sandy washed the dishes or did the laundry. John came home to a heart warming feeling when he heard them laughing or singing in the cottage, sometimes even dancing.

She looked tired but relieved, another day had gone by smoothly. She had put Kevin to sleep and walked over to John to kiss and hugged him.

"I love seeing you with him, you're so good with him," he complimented her. She didn't reply. "You're such a good mother," he kissed her forehead.

Sandy burst into tears, she buried her face on his chest. "Baby ... what's the matter? Did I say something wrong?"

"I'm not a good mother, John, I'm not ..." she walked over to the couch and threw herself on it.

"Where I come from, what you displayed is the definition of a good mother," he was puzzled.

She broke down and cried, as if she had been holding it back for some time. John went over to sit beside her and let her pour it out.

"I was eight weeks in when I found out I was pregnant ... the only reason why I didn't get an abortion was because it was too late ... too dangerous for me ... illegal ... and then Trevor left, even though I was determined to gave him up for adoption, Trevor couldn't deal with it ... it was the worst 9 months of my life," she reminisce the darker times. "I was at war with myself over this unwanted child ... how could I ever love it or live with it, raise it? It was a constant reminder of the most horrible thing that ever happened to me ... I hated it even before he was born into the world," she wept. The pain and anger of the past came surging. "And then when he was born ... I took one look at him ... and I thought, who could possibly love a child whose own mother doesn't even want? He didn't deserve that ... so I changed my mind ... in an instant, I held him in my arms and I changed my mind ... I was keeping him, I was going to raise him by myself," she paused and calmed herself down.

"It wasn't hard to fall in love with him, but it wasn't easy to love him either ... I struggled, he looks more like Patrick every day ... and I wonder when he does things that I don't recognize, was it genetics from Patrick's side? And then I resent him for it ... I second guess my decision ... I'm not a good mother ... even today when he had a tantrum and I was tired, I second guess my decision, why did I ever thought I could do this? That's why I need my mom to help me out with him ... I can't handle him alone ... he'll be in school soon ... and they're going to ask about his father and I wouldn't know what to tell him ... I just ..." she cried again.

John comforted her in his arms, he never felt closer to her. In the moment of anguish, she shared her darkest thoughts with him. "Thank you for telling me that," he whispered to her ear. It was all too human what she felt for Kevin. It didn't change the fact that she was raising him as best she could. It reminded him of his own grief when he had lost his child and his fiancé, he struggled for years to be able to trust life again. It was a very different story than what Sandy had gone through, but the tragedy was the same.

He sat by her all through the night, she poured out her mixed emotions, and he was there to listen to her. All the while he was thinking of ways of how he could get her to come home with him. Where would Kevin go to school, what work could she do, how would she go about her day, how he could split his closet to fit all her stuff in.

His shooting will wrap up in two weeks, she hadn't shown any sign that she would have another conversation about it. That night was not a good time, he had to wait for another chance.