Mourn

Depths: 16

Hindi ako makagalaw sa sinabi nýa, pinagtitinginan na din kami ng ilang pulis at kasama n'ya sa rehas. My breathing became faster and I could feel my chest going up and down. 

Galit ang naramdaman 'ko hindi awa, what he put me through was hell. It was a cycle that makes me think if I'm still alive or I'm just barely living. 

"All these years, Alen! All these years! What do you think of me ha?" I was now slamming the cell and he was just there crying and looking down his feet.

"Hindi 'ko kase alam ang gagawin 'ko. Ang tagal 'kong hinintay na maging malapit sa'yo-" hindi 'ko na s'ya pinatapos sa pagsasalita dahil kung ano mang dahilan n'ya ang sakit sa tenga. 

"You could have save me by reporting it to the police! You could have save me by not being involved with that illegal work! You put me through hell, sa tingin mo ba hindi ako nasaktan? Hindi ako naghirap sa pananakit mo?!" now I was seriously being scandalous, I think I was losing my self remembering everything he did to me.

"Wala akong ibang magawa o naisip na gawin kase ikaw 'yon, ikaw 'yung nakasalalay" he's a mess, we're both a mess now. We're crying, he's shaking and I'm screaming my lungs out banging the cells in front of him, trying to let my frustrations out.

"Seriously?! Sa tingin mo ba hindi mo ako nasaktan?! Ang hirap ng ginawa mo sa akin! It was a cycle of pain, embarassment, shits and your stupidity! Ngayon tinatanong 'ko ang sarili 'ko kung bakit sinagot pa kita at naging boyfriend! Quit justifying your actions with me being on the line, your simply being stupid!" I can't helped myself but just scream my lungs out. The police was guiding me out and giving me some warm water. 

I tried to calm down but I can't, I can feel them pity me for having a guy like him. Inspector Merchado sat beside me and handed a handkerchief, I simply pushed it away and used mine.

"I need to go, please take care of him" I got up and left the station, hindi na din kinuwestiyon ni Inspector ang sinabi 'ko.

Be it good or bad, he should be behind that cell. I could love an ex convict but never some hyprocrite like him. Ang hirap na alam n'yang mali ang ginagawa n'ya but he kept on going dahil sakin. I'm just sick of him and his mindset. 

He chose to clutch the knife without thinking of the smartest way around it. 

The moment I arrived at the house, my things were packed by Jane. Ako na lang ang iniintay para makalakad, talagang tinotoo nila ang pagsama sa akin sa Bulacan.

"Let's go" Jane smiled at me. I nodded and got in, I was just feeling clouded by thoughts. 

The whole ride was so silent that I accidentally fell asleep and as soon as I opened my eyes, we're stopping at a gas station in Balagtas. Medyo umingay na ngayon dahil natuturo-turo si Jane kung saan daw kakain while Jimuel is suggesting that we stopped by a mall. 

"Hey, masara d'yan sa kainan na 'yan" turo 'ko sa isang restaurant na naalala 'kong kinainan namin noon ni Alen bago lumuwas noong 2nd Year ako.

"So pano ba ang ruta papunta sa inyo?" tanong ni Jimuel na abala sa pagkalikot ng kanyang cellphone. 

Waze or Google Map can't detect that area kase tago na s'ya at bundok na din. I just told him na I'll stay awake hanggang makapunta na kami sa distinasyon namin, useless kase sa bundok ang apps.

"By the way, bat hindi ka pa kumuha ng bagog unit ng phone? Your still using that keypad" Jane blurted out while we're eating in this lutong bahay na restaurant.

"Maybe after this, I'll save" I answered and sipped the soup of my bulalo. Naalala 'ko tuloy paggumagawa ng bulalo si Nanang, everytime she'll make one it's so delicous. 

Tuwing may okasyon lang s'ya gumagawa ng bulalo dahil mahal ang mga sangkap at bone marrow. Naalala 'ko pa na noon I used to be disgusted by the brain, hindi pa kase ako makapaniwala noong kinakain ang utak ng baka.

It was just sad that hindi ako kasama ni Nanang nang mawalan s'ya ng hininga. Before I knew it, they stopped talking and my tears are flowing out my eyes now. 

"Sorry, I just remembered Nanang and 'yung luto n'yang bulalo" I chuckled and wiped my tears using the tissues near me. Jane huggedd me and the two guys kept quiet.

After that, we just finished eating and Jane insisted na s'ya na ang magbabayad and I should save my money for the funeral. I just sighed and let her, I don't have any strength to fight with her.

I just want to go home and let out all I'm feeling in front of my only family.

It was a long drive and long way to endure everything, mabuti na lang hindi ganoong awkward sa loob ng kotse kasama sila and they did not question me. 

As soon as we entered the barrio madali na lang nakarating dahil kita na agad ni Kyle kung saan ang bahay dahil sa linya ng mga sasakyan. 

As soon as the car stopped, I went out and ran inside. All eyes were on me, hindi siguro nila inaasahang makakapunta ako dito. Nanang Swela was wearing an old spanish white dress and she look like she's simple sleeping inside. 

I just cried until I feel like I'm tired of crying, I helped myself seat on the chair beside the coffin and hugged the coffin. I feel like I'm back home but the warm of this house was gone. I'm left alone in this cold world.

"Nang, hindi mo naman sinabing ganito sana inintay mo man lang ako. Alam mo ba maganda ang napasukan 'kong kumpanya? Makasahod lang ako doon kaya na kitang dalhin sa Manila" I cried while talking to hear, kinuwento 'ko sa kanya lahat ng masasayang alaala 'ko. 

I feel like I need to mourn my sorrow and my pain and all the shits I felt. I just cried until I felt like I had enough. It was a long night of tears and pain and misery.