Hopeless

Depths: 15

I don't believe this, I don't want to.

This is unbelievable. I can't think right. This was all of a sudden.

Sa sarili 'ko, alam 'kong kaya 'ko na kung mawawala man si Alen palayo sa akin pero ang pagkawala ni Nanang Swela parang biglaan naman. 

Ang bilis ng pangyayari, napatulala na lang ako. Alen being handcuffed by the police, Inspector Merchado questioning everyone involved, Tita Esa begging for mercy, Jane crying in the arms of Kyle and the kapibahays being chismosa.

I'm still being attended by the medics, I'm still shock from the injuries and the things that happened. I feel numb, I feel hopeless. 

The only thing in my mind right now is to go home to Bulacan. Gusto 'ko pang ipasyal si Nanang, gusto 'ko pang suklian ang mga ginawa n'ya para sa akin. Gusto 'ko pa s'yang makita ng buhay.

"Condolences Miss Salvador but I need to question you, I'm truly sorry but this is for work" Inspector came to me after questioning everyone, he has that awful look of being sorry fr me. 

I'm really hopeless now, I don't know where is home.

"I'll do it, I'll answer your questions"I said just being really determined to go home to my Nanang and end this shits.

"Did you know that Alen de Guzman is using drugs and administering it to parts of Cubao?" he asked while taking a recorder out and writing things out.

"Hindi, noong sinabi lang sa akin ng ngayong boss 'ko at binigyan nýa ako ng ilang ebidensya"

"At sino naman itong boss na sinasabi mo? Anong klaseng ebidensya ang ibinigay n'ya?"

"S'ya si Captain Keil Hermino, nakilala 'ko s'ya noong pista sa barrio namin, inimbitahan s'ya ng barangay captain namin. Naging malapit s'ya sa akin noong napunta kami dito ni Alen sa Manila at lagi s'ya pumupunta sa café na pinagtatrabahuhan 'ko" I stopped and looked at him, still taking down all that I'm saying and the recorder still going.

"Then? Kailan n'ya ibinigay sa iyo ang mga ebidensya?" he asked stopping at what he's writing and looking up at me.

"Ibinigay n'ya iyon nung nagsimula si Alen sa sinasabi n'yang 'sideline' and then hindi 'ko na s'ya nakita ng ilang buwan noon. Nakita 'ko lang s'ya noong nagdate kami ni Alen sa isang restaurant dito sa Cubao, simula nun siguro dahil sa selos napagbuhatan ako ng kamay ni Alen"I sniffled a cry, trying not to break down from the bittersweet memory.

"Simula nun, nagbago si Alen. Si Keil naman ilang beses 'ko din s'yang nakikita at binigyan n'ya ako ng folder sa café nung araw na nagresign ako. Nakita ni Alen 'yung folder and nagalit s'ya, sinaktan n'ya ako at pinagsabihan. Pangalawang beses na binigyan ako ni Keil ng ebidensya patunay na illegal ang ginagawa ni Alen ay 'yung naghahanap ako ng trabaho" I said just quietly crying, trying to answer everything so I can just mourn my heart away from the pain.

"Ah-huh?" he said after giving me a tissue and some medic gave me a cup of warm water so I can calm down.

"Envelop ang binigay n'ya sa akin, tulungan 'ko daw s'ya gumawa ng concrete evidences para mapatunayang may ginagawang illegal si Alen. In exchange he'll help me get out of that hell hole. Kaya siguro ganoon ang reaksyon ni Alen ng umuwi ako ngayon ay nakita n'ya uli ang mga ibinigay sa akin ni Keil" he just nodded at my answer and told me everythings done, he als told me that he'll come at Bulacan to tell Alen's family everything that happened. 

Before leaving Inspector told me the station Alen's being held captive before his trial. 

I don't know why is that even important. I don't know if I was needed there and if my opinions and question matter there. But maybe, pagpumunta ako doon masagot ang mga katanungan 'ko. Maybe sa oras na pumunta ako doon kalmado na s'ya at makakausap 'ko na s'ya kung bakit nagawa n'ya lahat ng to.

I didn't mind every hearsay I'm hearing as I made my way to the house we're renting. Jane was getting all my clothes and putting them inside while Jimuel and Kyle where cleaning the heavier things. 

"Jane, Kyle, Jimuel, hindi n'yo na kailangang gawin 'yan" I told them, the two shook their heads just continued everything. Jane came up to me and hug me, it was so tight that I felt her warmth that made me cried.

"You don't have to hide it, shh let me hug you and let us help. Alam namin kahit itago mo, iyung lahat ng hirap na naranasan mo. Wala kamig maitulong dahil sa takot na baka mapasama ka, ngayong wala na s'ya hayaan mo muna kaming tulungan ka. Need mo ng pahinga" she said while she hugged me and stroke my back, giving me the comfort I need badly.

Maybe because of the tiredness, the pain and the hurting I got from a night I fell asleep in her arms. I'm lucky na nadinto sila para sa akin. That there are others that will fill the void I want, the void that was longing for the love.

"Hey" bati sa akin ni Jane pagkamulat ng mata 'ko, my things were packed and everything was clean.

"Kailangan 'kong umuwi na, I need to be there. Nanang, 'yung nag-iisa 'kong pamilya hinihintay ako" I got up in a hurry trying to fix myself and get ready.

"I know, sasama kami at dadamayan ka. Wala ka ng pamilya, wala na si Alen. Kami na lang ang nandito kaya sasamahan ka namin, we-re like families na din naman sa tagal nating magkasama dito" she said while trying to sound cheerful.

I just bitterly smiled at her and got my things that I'll need. I bathed and ate with them, the silence wasn't uncomfortable. Jimuel and Kyle still got the bruises. Jane was trying to cheer me up.

"Before we go to Bulacan, I'll ask Alen some questions muna" I said to them.

They let me for my moving on daw, now I'm alone facing the entrance of the Station 1. I took deep breathes before going in. I asked for Alen's name and just answered few questions like, kaano-ano 'ko ba si Alen de Guzman and what I need to do with him. 

Some police guided me to the cell he's held at, I saw Inspector Merchado just standing in front of him. They were talking some staffs when Alen saw me.

"Hey" I said as I got near diverting their attention to me, Inspector excused himself and left us two.

"I'm sorry Istel, I'm really sorry. Wala kase akong ibang puwedeng gawin kundi maging sunod-sunuran nila" he begged me while trying to hold in his cry.

"Bakit?" I feel like knives stabbing my heart as I ask him and see him cry.

"Pasensya ka na kung naging ganito ako, mahal na mahal kita pero wala akong magawa kundi kumapit sa patalim" he kept on while just trying to stop himself from crying.

"Wala kase akong magawa kung hindi sundin sila dahil may gagawin daw silang masama sa'yo, nung gabing nahimatay ka sa iskinita malapit sa kolehiyo ilang adik ang nakakita sa iyo. Ang sabi nila kung hindi 'ko sila tutulungan sa  pagtutulak mapapasama ka daw. May magiging pera daw doon at maililigtas pa kita. Wala akong ibang paraan" he just cried after saying those things.

And everything just hurt, everything just made me feel so hopeless and incompetent.