Chapter 15: Drug

Alexis

“HON, I DON’T like what you’re wearing.”

I give him a cringy face and a forced chuckle. Is he being serious?

I look myself in the mirror and check my appearance. I look fine with my white v-neck tee and maong shorts that’s just two inches above my knee. My feet are also covered with my white Nike shoes. Satisfied, I turn to face him again. “We’re just going to the mall, hon.

There’s nothing wrong with what I’m wearing,” I say as I shot him a pleading look.

But a grim expression immediately crosses Gab’s face. “Go to your room and get dressed.”

“Gabriel, for God’s sake! You’re acting like I’m naked! This is just tee shirt and shorts. These aren’t even that short. See? It’s just two inches above my knee—”

Without hesitation, Gab stands up and marches towards my room.

“Hey, where are you going?”

He hastily opens my drawers and rummages through my belongings. His busy hands throw every clothes he does not like on the floor while I pick them up one by one.

“What the hell, Gabriel!” I shout. “I just arranged those. And that’s my things, you piece of—"

“Next time,” he says angrily while pointing a finger at me, “do what you’re told.”

Taken a back with his behavior, I ask, “What is wrong with you?” I could feel my heart pounding loudly in my chest.

“There’s nothing wrong with me! I just want you to wear proper clothes. I don’t want you to look slutty—”

“Slutty? You’re really calling me that?”

Gab clenches his jaw and heaves a deep sigh. “Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that.”

“No, you just did.”

I silently shove my clothes inside my drawers. Then I sit on my bed and burry my face to my palms. Gab sits beside me and tries to draw me into an embrace, but I yank his hands away.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

Clicking my tongue, I push him and move further away from him. “I don’t understand you,” I say between silent sobs. “Three years ago, you told me to dress up like a lady because I looked like a tomboy. Then you forced me to stop chopping off my hair. I started to wear dresses, lady’s clothes, and other fancy things because I wanted to make you happy. I changed myself for you. And now, you’re saying I look like a slut just because I am wearing this? And to think that I am not wearing those sexy little dresses! You’re treating me like a bullshit!”

I run my fingers through my hair as frustrations start to invade my system. “Every time you do that you are crushing my confidence!

And honestly, sometimes I don’t know who I am every time I’m with you.”

“Hon—”

“Just leave,” I calmly say as I pointed the door.

“Alexis—”

“Leave!” I shouted at him as a tear cascades through my cheek. Gab stands up, shaking his head as he goes out the door silently. He leaves it open and I stand up to kick it shut.

“Piece of shit! Controlling asshole!” I shout as I bury my face to my pillow. I couldn’t believe he’d say that. It honestly hurt my feelings.

~~~

“Why are you drinking alone?”

I squint my eyes and try to understand who owns that voice. My eyesight is blurry and the place is already wobbling, though I know I am in Vivian’s karaoke bar.

“Babe,” the voice says.

“Babe?” I say, giggling. “I don’t let anyone call me that…because someone already owns that endearment.”

I feel myself exhales a hiccup as I gulp another drink straight from the bottle. The familiar bitter taste of beer instantly crosses my throat. “Ahhh,” I say, clicking my tongue. “This is exquisite.”

“Babe,” the voice says again, making me chuckle. Then I suddenly feel cold hands cupping my cheeks. I try to ease the fuzziness in my eyesight and focus on the face of the person who has just been pestering me and calling me babe.

“M-Mj?” I ask, feeling excited all of a sudden.

She smiles at me and instantly withdraws his hands. “You’re drunk already.”

“Who? Me?” I reply, clicking my tongue again.

“Geez, stop shouting, okay?”

Am I shouting? I am not! The music in this bar is too loud. But I am not shouting, swear to God.

Grabbing my waist, MJ hauls me up and guides me up my feet.

“Noooo! It’s still too early!”

“Stand up, you alcoholic woman!” she hisses. I chuckle as she drags me along with her. I try to keep my balance as we walk through the mob of dancing bodies. But then suddenly, I am I hearing a familiar song. So I yank MJ’s hand away and stop in the middle of this crowded place. In just a few minutes, I don’t realize that I am already humming the lyrics of the song.

I got way too much time to be this hurt, somebody help it’s getting worse. What do you do with a broken heart? Once the light fades everything is dark. Way too much whiskey in my blood. I feel my body giving up. Can I hold on for another night? What do I do with all this time…?

I am already drowning with sadness as I listen to the song. I try to hold back the tears but it’s just too hard to stop right now. And the next thing I know, I am already feeling MJ’s body close to me.

“Shhhh, stop crying now. We don’t have whiskey. Only beer,” she says, softly patting a hand in my back.

I giggle a little. “Arse. Whiskey is expensive.”

I cling to her and snuggle to her neck. My tears fall on her skin but she doesn’t mind. I silently sob as we stay on that position.

“I’m here,” she whispers. “I’m just here.”

I cry even more. “I’m tired of being so lonely.”

She tightens her embrace and we slowly sway to the music as a singer in this bar continues to sing LANY’S Malibu Nights.

“Tell me, what do you want, Alexis?” she suddenly whispers.

Hesitantly, I let my fingers ruffle with her hair. My ear is pressed near her chest and swear I could hear her heart thumping amidst the loud music in the background.

“I just wanna be happy,” I answer. “I want Gab to accept me for who I am—I want him to spend more time with me so I won’t get lonely. And I don’t want him to change me—I—I want him to be the consistent Gab I’ve known for years. A-and I want my family to understand that—that I just wanna be free.”

~~~

MJ

I bring Alexis to a 7/11 store and buy something that would make her a little sober. I patiently listen to her as she rants about her frustrations and anything in between.

“If he truly loves me, he’ll never try to control me—or change me, right? And he’ll make time for me and surprise me to at least make me feel like I’m important to him.”

Sipping my coffee, I just nod my head as I empathize with her sentiments.

“I just hate his inconsistency. Sometimes he appears to be sweet and sometimes, he’ll never shows up.”

“If he treats you that bad, then why won’t you leave him?”

Alexis is quite for a moment. She sighs and let her feet dangle on the bench we’re sitting on. The street light nearby illuminates her face and I see so much sadness and guilt in it.

“During the first year of our relationship, he’s been—amazing. There’s so much memories and battles that we’ve won together and sometimes it’s hard to just—stop.”

“Still.” I retort.

Heaving a sigh, she takes a sip of her coffee. “You’ll never really know how shitty I was before Gab met me.”

A faint smile crosses her lips, then she looks at me with those same sad eyes I come to get acquainted with. “Won’t you tell me about it?” I press on. She shakes her head and draws a chuckle.

“You wouldn’t believe it. And I refuse to talk about it, too.”

“Why? I thought we’re friends?”

She laughs a little, “Of course. And I trust you and I like you a lot.”

“Then why wouldn’t you tell me? I wanna know where all these are coming from, you know.”

Alexis takes a sip of her coffee then draws a long and tired breath.

“Gab was there when I almost killed myself.”

I choke on my own coffee and erupt into a fit of coughing. “Y-you almost what?” Geez, I didn’t see that coming!

“You heard it, babe. Yes, I did that. And Gab saved me. My family owes him so I can’t just kick him out of my life.”

I can’t believe I’m hearing this from Alexis. Knowing her, she’s one of the most charismatic persons I know in my entire life. She’s strong and incredibly independent and knowing that she was a suicidal shit is news to me.

“You know nothing of anxiety and depression, MJ. So yeah, Gab pretty much saved me and I feel like stopping our relationship would totally be impossible. And my family adores him so much.”

Silence settles in as we both exhale the familiar coldness of 2 am air. the streetlights flicker with yellow light as the moon above hovers over us. Alexis scoots beside me and I snake my arms around her, kissing her on her head.

“But I never really feel happy with Gab, MJ. Maybe I thought I was happy just because he’s the one who has been there… I’m even happier when I’m with you.”

I stare at her, confused if I’ll believe her or not since she’s drunk and I can’t just assume things that easily. So I take an amount of courage and ask, “W-what makes you think you’re happy with me, Alexis?”

Alexis stares back at me, her gaze pulling me closer to her and making my heart pound faster than ever.

“I’m addicted to that freedom you’re giving me, MJ. It feels great to love someone who sees through me and yet loves me just the same. Freedom is addicting, you know—like a drug.”

Her face moves closer to me, erasing any thin line that separates us. I suddenly feel the intensity of her gaze. I am blown away in a heartbeat.

“That’s what you are doing to me, my girl, MJ,” she says before I pull her closer and shower her with sweet kisses.

xoxoPAxoxo