Chapter Eight

MAYBE I am not really in good terms with lady luck. Maybe the odds aren't really in favor with me. Maybe I was really born to fuck up. Or maybe I just really ran out great cards today.

I sighed as I looked at myself in my mirror. I did not just change, I already took a bath just to conceal the humiliation and stupidity I've felt earlier.

Hinawi ko ang ilang hibla ng buhok na nakatabing sa mukha ko at inipit ito sa likod ng tenga ko. I changed into a silk tank top and ripped jeans. I don't know what to wear so I just lazily pulled this out of my wardrobe.

Basa pa ang buhok ko at hinayaan ko lang. Muli kong tiningnan ang repleksyon sa salamin bago muling magpakawala nang malalim na buntong hininga. Kailangan ko nang lumabas. Masyado na akong nagtatagal dito sa kwarto ko. I need to face the outcome of my stupidity. But thinking of doing it, I just want to let the whole world swallow me right at this moment.

I can do it! I mentally cheered myself as I started to walk towards my door.

Paglapat ng kamay ko sa seradura ay agad ko itong inikot pabukas. The rich aroma of the coffee greeted my nostrils. Kasunod niyon ay ang halimuyak ng bango nang kung anong niluluto na pagkain. Napapikit ako bago tuluyang lumabas ng kwarto. May rason na pala para harapin ko ang kahihiyan. I'd rather face the upcoming humiliation than starving myself to death.

Mabilis na gumala ang paningin ko at nakita si Fallon na inaayos na ang mga kubyertos at pinggan sa mesa. He looked so pissed as he ransacked my empty kitchen. May apron din siya at gloves sa kanang kamay. I am just standing outside my room as I look at him. Maalam pala siya sa pagluluto bagay na ikinagulat ko.

Fallon moved to the stove and checked the food he is cooking. Kumuha siya ng kutsara at tinikman iyon. I can't see his reaction because I'm facing his back. Pero nang tumango-tango siya ay nasisiguro kong tapos na siyang magluto.

I smiled unknowingly as I looked at him being so focused to what he's doing. Come to think of it, this is the second time I get to be so close with him. Ang una ay iyong kahapon na dapat ay hindi ko na inaalala. Otomatikong nag-init ang magkabilang pisngi ko. Kinailangan ko pang iiwas ang paningin sa kanya upang kumalma ang nagsisimulang magharumentadong puso ko.

"Stupid heart. Pwede bang tumigil ka?" I said as I pinched the bridge of my nose. "That means nothing. Wala lang iyon. Okay?"

"Anong wala lang?"

"Ay kabayo!" Napasigaw ako at napahawak sa dibdib dahil sa gulat sa biglaang nagsalita. Agad akong humarap at tumambad sa aking paningin si Fallon na nakahalukipkip. Wala na ang apron at gloves niya. Mukhang tapos na talaga siyang magluto. I cleared my throat to hide the embarrassment I'm feeling.

"What?"

"You said something," he said. Nagkibit-balikat ako bago ko siya talikuran at magsimulang humakbang papunta sa 4-seater glass table ko. Hindi ko na siya tinapunan ng tingin dahil alam kong nakatitig siya sa akin. I can feel it and I can't dare to look back at him.

"You heard nothing." I said as I sat down.

I can feel him looking at me intently. I don't have the courage to meet his eyes that's why I focused on the food in the table. Karaniwang breakfast lang iyon. Fried rice, hotdogs, bacons, eggs, and a fresh orange juice was making my salivary glands work.

I cleared my throat as Fallon sat down too. Ramdam ko ang paninitig niya kaya wala sa loob kong pinulot agad ang kubyetos ko.

"Uh, let's eat," yakag ko.

I don't know what to add up to it that's why I started to feast on the food. Pero bago pa ako makakuha ng kanin ay sinandukan na niya ako. Natutop ko ang bibig ko at nagtaas ng tingin. His brows were furrowed as he scooped me a spoonful of rice. Sunod ay nilagyan niya ako ng bacon at hotdog. Ramdam ko ang awkwardness sa pagitan naming dalawa pero wala akong magawa para mawala iyon. Nanatili akong nakamasid sa ginagawa niya. Kunot na kunot ang kanyang noo na para bang nakikipagpatayan siya ng tingin sa pagkain. His emotion didn't change at all. Napailing na lang ako at iniwas na ang tingin sa kanya.

"That's enough," I said, stopping him from putting more food on my plate. "I don't really eat much in the morning."

Fallon looked at me for a second before sighing deeply. I twitched because of his reaction. Nagsimula na rin siyang kumuha ng kanyang pagkain. And what would that freaking mean? Bakit kailangang huminga nang malalim?

"You should eat more. You look so thin." He commented as he put rice on his plate.

"I don't like eating too much." Saad ko bago magsimulang kumain.

He didn't say anything and started to eat too. Kapwa kaming tahimik habang kumakain. Panaka-naka ang pagtingin niya sa akin at ginagawa ko ang lahat upang hindi tumingin pabalik. I gripped on my fork hard because the subtle humiliation is now visible in my face. Naramdaman niya sigurong balisa ako kaya napatikhim siya.

I met Fallon's skeptical stares.

"What are your plans for today?" he asked.

"W-wala. I'll probably just sleep or watch movies," I answered trying hard not to stutter but I failed.

He raised a brow before sipping on his coffee. "Aren't you bored here? It seems to me that you're not even stepping out,"

"I don't want to go out. I'd rather spend my remaining days here than bumping to anyone that I don't like," I said.

I just wish that time would speed up so I can fly back to China and start working again. I don't want to be in here. I don't want to connect ties with anyone in the Philippines. Hindi ko namalayang napapabuntong hininga na ako. Parang nawala na rin ang gana kong kumain kaya binitiwan ko na ang kubyertos ko. Nag-angat ako ng tingin at natutop ko ang bibig nang mapansing nakatingin na sa akin si Fallon. Fallon stopped eating too. Bagama't ngayon ko lang napansin, pakiramdam ko ay kanina pa niya ako tinitingnan.

I shouted at my head. My tongue did its work again. I looked away before I sipped on my juice. Nagpasya akong tapusin na ang lahat dito mismo sa hapag at sa araw na ito. I stood up and met Fallon's eyes. He looked at me carefully.

"Thank you for the breakfast and I hope this would be the last. It's nice seeing you here and I appreciate that you didn't tell her that I'm here," I said as I looked at him in the eyes.

Sumikdo ang tambol ng dibdib ko pero tinatagan ko ang sarili ko. Hindi siya nagsalita kaya mas napanatag ako. He remained sitting while looking at me boredly. His hands are squared against his chest making him look so arrogant as he is naturally.

I guess this is goodbye, huh? I nodded inwardly. Pumihit na ako at naglakad na palayo. In time he'd be gone and that's better.

"How can you be so sure that I didn't tell your mom that you're here?" I stopped on my tracks upon hearing what he said.

Lumakas nang husto ang tambol ng puso ko at parang nagrambol ang mga halimaw sa tiyan ko. My head is frantically screaming at me right now. What the fuck?! Agad akong lumingon sa kanya. Ganoon pa rin ang ayos niya. Only that he looked deadly right now. He cocked his head to the side and he played his food using his fork. I looked at him in so much nervousness. He must be joking. He must be. He fucking should be!

"W-what do you mean?" medyo tumaas ang boses ko sa tanong na iyon. Tumigil naman siya sa ginagawa at nag-angat ng tingin sa akin. He shrugged his shoulders and raised his brows.

"I'm saying that..." he purposely cut off what he's saying.

Parang tataas ang altapresyon ko dahil sa ginawa niya. What does he mean by that? And if it is true... How could he?! Damn it!

"You! What did you tell her?" I asked in aggressive tone but fear is now evident in my face.

Nagsimula akong humakbang papalapit sa mesa. Hindi siya natinag at tiningnan lang ako na para bang wala siyang pakialam sa reaksyon ko. This brute is unbelievable! After he barged in here and cooked? How dare him tell her about me being here in this damn country?!

"Your mother probably knows that you're here. Well, it's just my guess knowing that she hired a PI just to trace you," sagot niya na para bang maliit na bagay lang iyon. "And it isn't that bad to reconcile with your mom, right? It's been-"

"Are you fucking kidding me? Who the fuck are you to say that?" I shouted at him, furious as I can ever be.

I feel so livid as hell as I watch him take me so lightly. Anong kapal ng mukha niyang pangunahan ako sa mga desisyon ko? Why are they doing this to me? What do they want from me? I'm lost with words and I don't know how can I be able to control myself at this moment.

"Look. I didn't mean to cloud your decisions and it was never my intention,"

"I almost trusted you. How funny of you changing colors in a blink," I said with a lot of sarcasm and rage.

Fallon sighed deeply before standing. Humakbang siya papalapit sa akin. Tiningnan ko siya nang masama at puno ng galit. He looked so sorry but it won't have any effect on me.

"I'm just trying to help you." He said as he reached for me. Agad ko iyong iniwasan at humakbang palayo sa kanya.

"How many times do I need to tell you that I don't need your help? I don't need it! All I want is for all of you to stop coming back to my life!"

"You got it all wrong. Let me explain, okay? Listen to me-"

"You fucking told her..."

It wasn't just a wild guess, it is the truth. Fallon told her that I'm here.

"No. Stop concluding things so easily. Your mom had been desperately tracking you since you left. She even asked me to help her but I declined knowing that you're taking your time. But now that you're here, I know that you'll be here for good,"

You'll be here for good. Umalingawngaw sa isip ko ang katagang iyon. Parang namintig ang tenga ko dahil sa narinig. I can't even process everything he's saying. Nalunod ang rasyonal na pag-iisip ko dahil sa nangyayari. All I can grasp at this moment is the fear of losing everything I have again.

"Sino ka para sabihin sa akin 'yan? Where did you get the audacity to tell me what she did without all of you knowing what I've been through for the past fucking years?" I answered gravely. "Wala akong pakialam kung hinanap niya ako. Wala akong pakialam kung anong hirap ang ginawa niya para matunton ako. Dahil kahit anong hirap ang gawin niya, hinding hindi ako magpapakita sa kanya! She lost her daughter! She lost me the moment she..."

Napapikit ako dahil sa labis na galit. Nagbabadya ang mga luha kong pumatak kaya nilakasan ko ang loob ko. Muli akong nagmulat at hinarap siya.

I don't want to lurk back to what happened before. What happened in the past is a great realization for me not to look back and to continue living my life at this moment. I will never look back neither try remembering for I had enough of those painful memories of my past. At ang pagbanggit ko sa salitang iyon ay ang pagdurog muli sa puso at sa mga pangarap ko.

"Get out..." I said, void with emotions.

"Red, listen to me-"

"Umalis ka na!" I shouted as I looked at him in so much anger.