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Behavior
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2020-10-11 23:31:21Sem Callahan came towards me on the grand staircase. I haven't had the opportunity to meet him yet. Nevertheless, I knew automatically that it was him. Sem was a little shorter than Daniel. His hair was a little darker, but he had the same deep blue eyes. He smiled at me as I passed him. He too had a tremendous charisma, but by far not the same as Daniel had. It was different with him. He hadn't blown me away like Daniel had the day before. Obviously it wasn't a fundamental problem what I had with the Callahan's. It was entirely up to Daniel.
Before entering the classroom, I parted my hair and sorted my curls a little. I did this more often because it avoided headaches. I walked into the room and the first thing I saw was Daniel's face. Was it so impossible to get my plan through? I felt angry at myself. Consistency was probably not one of my strengths. He smiled at me with his beautiful eyes. I looked away quickly so as not to fall into his gaze again. He was a drug. You knew you were addicted, but you took it anyway.
I quickly packed out my things and rummaged around in my bag longer than necessary. I consciously used every minute that I could spend other than being tempted to stare at him again.
"Do you mind if I take a seat next to you today?" - a genteel voice said out of nowhere. I jumped up and looked into his eyes, which took my breath away for a moment.
"What happened to the old one? - I asked in a husky, snappy voice. At the same moment I could have slapped myself. Stupid how stupid. But what should I have done? Leave him standing? "Yes," my mind screamed. But he had already lost.
"Lila please, I can't believe we have to discuss it now," he replied a little annoyed, but his eyes radiated something else. He was disappointed.
I did not expect that. Neither that he suddenly wanted to sit next to me, nor that he reacts that way. The anger at myself rose again.
“The seat next to Mike was only temporarily free. If you remember, someone is already sitting there, ”he said, completely dryly.
"I'm sorry, I haven't thought about that," I admitted quietly.
I looked around the class, maybe there was something else free, but I quickly found that there was the only free space next to me.
"Lila, can I sit down now, you are making a fool of me in front of the whole class."
Anger and sadness were reflected in his expression. I had to give up. There was no other option. So I pulled my chair to the end of the table as far as possible and took my bag off the other chair. That was my wordless involuntary consent. I looked out the window so as not to have to look at him.
The whole day was similar. I tried to ignore him and when I felt unobserved I stared at him. His existence filled the whole classroom. There was something so perfect in his being that made him different from others. I just couldn't help myself. Daniel was visibly uncomfortable in this situation. Now and then he looked over at me, embarrassed. I saw it and I was sorry. He hadn't harmed me, and I punished him so much with what I did. And I punished myself even more. All the girls in the class, with whom I had never had much contact, looked over at me with envy. I could understand it completely. Daniel was almost gorgeous. Any girl would have loved to be with him, but I wanted to avoid it. I've always been different, I comforted myself.
The bell rang and class was over for today. He looked over at me and grabbed his bag.
Without a word he got up and left. I sat and fought back tears. Now I doubted my decision to ignore him. I hurt myself with it. I knew that, but I didn't dare let it happen. The feelings it triggered in me were so powerful that I was afraid I would just pass out. This familiarity between us. Although we hardly spoke to each other, we instinctively knew how each other was doing. We also somehow had the talent to share our thoughts. We spoke to each other in this way, almost inadvertently.
Daniel has always been part of me and my life, of that I was sure. I couldn't deny that, wherever that security came from. But it was also a fact that I saw him for the first time a few days ago. I couldn't deny that either.
I spent the next two weeks in a trance. This time seemed almost unreal. My thoughts revolved around just one person from morning to night. In the first few days the will to implement my plan was still quite strong. Although it was never easy. I ignored Daniel at school, put on a good face at Kate and cried my eyes out in bed at night. And every day I wondered if it was worth it. My mental and physical pain increased and my will decreased more and more. The clear, initial “Yes, I will do it” gradually turned into “No, I will not make it. No, I don't hurt myself and especially Daniel any more. ”I had terrible lovesickness, which I noticed myself producing by suppressing my love for him - and it was love. Which probably contributed to my now poor appearance.
I didn't know whether Kate would really buy the game from me, which I also played with her. At least she said nothing. Well, mostly she was busy with herself too. I was surprised that she was so extremely self-absorbed, because I looked really exhausted, the circles under my eyes were turning more and more into a lilac shade. I was afraid that I would soon not be able to get rid of it with my concealer.
My terrible behavior didn't seem to pass Daniel by without a trace. He had the same dark circles that indicated sleepless nights. The only question was, was it a good thing that he didn't seem indifferent to me, or was I imagining something? In the past few days he had developed a new look, the pleading look. Meanwhile his face literally screamed “Please, Lila, I beg you, stop it, I can't take it much longer.” And my look replied “I'm afraid to let it happen.”
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