CHAPTER 7

"It was not your fault." 

I have lost counts of the number of times that Belle has told me this in the past one hour.

"Nothing was your fault, Belle," that's the very first time he has called me by my real name. 

He looks at me his eyes searching deep inside me and I don't say anything to him, it is his time to talk now. 

"The self blame and the self hate that you foster inside your heart will raze you," he moves closer to me. 

"You will never be at peace with people if you ain't at peace with yourself, Belle. For the umpteenth time today, whatever happened was not your fault." 

I don't know how he made me open up. He engaged me into narrating every bit of the story to him and afterwards he let me cry all the anger out without badgering me or trying to touch me until I calmed down. 

He is still squatting in front of me some inches away though, watching me with his perceptive dark grey eyes and it is hard to tell what he is thinking when his face is that stoic and his eyes can't even express a trace of any emotion. 

His expression is not judgy and he is not sympathizing with me like I expected, he should have been my therapist from the word go. 

I don't know how he manages to put on an impassive face even when a girl is crying and breaking down right in front of him but that's what I like about him. 

He is the first person to listen to me without pestering me and for the first time after sharing things out I feel kinda light, part of the burden has been taken off but I am so vulnerable, so weak and so accessible right now and I am letting him see a part of me that I don't let other people see but it is worth it. 

He is better than all the therapist I have been with and he is not even a professional. He succeeded in making me talk and his approach was the best, he didn't even try hard. I have told him everything that happened that fateful night and I feel lighter.

"It was my fault, Lucas, I had the opportunity to save them but I didn't," I am at the edge right now. 

Vivid images of that night comes swirling in my mind and I blink a tear, I will be breaking down again anytime from now. I can't seem to hold my shit together. 

"How? Fighting those men by yourself? Come here." He tells me stretching his arms apart and I eye him suspiciously. 

"I won't hurt you, I promise I am nothing like those men, I am not a monster." Without a second thought I practically throw myself in his arms, God knows how badly I need a hug and he is offering me one. 

He holds me tight letting me cry on his shoulder and it's like that's what I have been waiting for ao long, I break down completely. 

I have spent my past sixteen years coiling away from men and here I am, practically throwing myself in Lucas' arms. He doesn't disappoint though he holds me tighter in his arms and I concentrate on wetting his shirt with my tears tightening my grip on his neck almost choking him. 

I feel safe, calm and untouchable in his arms completely different from what I expected. I squish myself on him holding him tighter like I would die if I let go, like being tightly embraced in his arms is my only source of air right now.

"You will be okay, Bella," yes he just called me Bella but I am too weak to start fighting him right now.

Something makes me believe him when he tells me that I will be okay, believe that everything will be okay. He holds me tighter and I continue to let my tears out on his shoulder. 

"I will always be here for you, you don't have to do this alone anymore." Something in the way he is holding me makes me believe that he will always be there for me, that I won't do this a lote anymore. 

I don't know why fate didn't bring him on my way eleven years ago all I know is that I am fucking glad that he has given me a shoulder to lean on and most importantly his precious time.

I am crying and he is holding me tighter as if that would take all the pain away. He calms me down and for some reasons I don't pull away immediately he lets me stay in his arms and I take advantage of that to revel in the feeling of having someone other than Elsa genuinely comfort me.

"We all go through shit, Bella, the only difference is how we choose to handle our problems. Keeping some things in our hearts hurts more than hell, we need people to help us through each and every difficult situation." He pauses and pulls me away slightly angling my face until I look at him. 

I glance at his eyes and for a transient second I see a trace of compassion in them but he is quick to put up his dry face back. "Shutting people out is necessary but not when you are hurting deep down. It only eats you up. Literary." He reaches to wipe my tears before taking me back in his arms again.

"Am I interrupting something here?" Jake was still waiting for us? I thought he was long gone. 

I pull away from Lucas grudgingly and I sigh out heavily wiping my nearly dry tears away. I feel calm and peaceful, I should be doing this more often. 

I look at Lucas and his intriguing eyes are on me. 

"Are you okay now?" He asks me totally ignoring Jake's question and I take another calming breath before I answer him.

"Never been better." He turns to look at Jake feigning anger and it is so obvious that Jake doesn't track down the pretence he is burning with jealousy right now. 

"Yes, we were having a moment." Jake shifts uncomfortably cocking his eyebrows all the way up at Lucas who just bursts out laughing. This is the first time I am seeing him laugh and that takes me by surprise because he is ever gloomy. 

"Jeez you should see your face right now! Are you having a crush on her?" 

Jake is having a crush on me? Even after I strangled him?

"Is it so obvious?" He asks and turns to face me. I look up at him from where I am sitting and our eyes lock for a moment. 

Yes, it is obvious. His eyes are giving him away.

"It is too obvious, bro. Lucky for you she is not taken." Lucas pats him on the shoulder and he proceeds to help me stand up breaking my eye contact with Jake. 

If this happened two hours ago I would be on their throats right now. Can't believe I am not snapping at them. 

"How did you know that?" I ask Lucas and he eyes me playfully. 

I can't believe that Lucas is capable of being in a light mood. Well I am in a light mood too, I guess nothing is impossible.

"You've just confirmed," he winks at me and I laugh lightly, he is so cunning.

"Jeez where is Belle? This girl standing here with us is not Belle." Jake asks looking around dramatically for Belle and I can't fight the laughter. 

I am asking myself the same question Jake, I don't know where Belle is. This lively girl here is certainly not me. It is another version of me that I didn't know exists. 

"Her name is, Bella. I don't know who Belle is." Lucas answers Jake.

"I am not Bella, I am Bella." They break out laughing for reasons only known to them and I just stand there watching them laugh their lungs out.

"And that's what I have said, you are Bella and not Belle." Lucas tells me and I face palm myself as realization hits me. I told them I am Bella.

"I meant Belle not Bella," I correct myself but they won't even stop laughing.

"You look lively, happy and so full of life. I am in love with who you are right now, Belle." Jake tells me taking my hand in his, normally I would fringe but I just let him hold my hand.

I don't know what is happening but miraculously, I am in a very good mood right now. I feel like a heavy load was lifted off me a while ago and I just want to enjoy this moment. It might be the only chance I have before I snap back into the real me.

"Do you want to go to class? We are one hour late but the professor won't even notice that." Lucas suggests but I am quick to shake my head. I know my makeup is all smudged right now and I don't want people to notice that I was crying plus my eyes are a bit swollen, I can feel that.

"You guys can go to class I will be okay," I dismiss them and Jake gives me the 'are you serious right now' look.

"I ain't leaving you, if I am going to class you are coming with me."

"I ruined my makeup and my eyes are puffy." He takes a step closer to me and without warning he cups my face angling me to face him.

"You are the most beautiful girl I have ever set my eyes on, you still look beautiful with your smudged makeup. Fucking beautiful." Something in his words makes my heart spin and the veracity of his words gives me these tingling sensations all over my skin. It is a whole new experience for me, I have never had a boy saying such words to me and with so much intensity. 

But did I ever give any man a chance to get this close to me? Jake and Lucas are my first, Lucas is my first and Jake is my second. Just to be precise.

"And you should never let what people think about you get to your head, okay?" I look up to meet his eyes. 

"Okay?" I nod and he let his thumb trail my jaw line before stepping back.

"That was so deep," Lucas comments and Jake shoves him playfully. The two seem real close.

"You still don't want to go for that lecture?" Jake ask me and I nod.

"How about some ice cream?" Lucas rolls his eyes and Jake pouts playfully at that.

"Ice cream?" Lucas questions rhetorically and Jake shrugs helplessly.

"Take her somewhere else buddy, taking a girl for ice cream is so cliché," he tells Jake. 

"We are all going," Jake reminds Lucas and I turn to look at Lucas. 

"I have somewhere to be in the next twenty minutes plus I know you want some alone time with Belle," he winks at Jake before turning to me.

"Wait is it a date?" I ask them curiously and Jake shakes his head.

"It's me trying to cheer you up." He tells me and Lucas shrugs.

"Can I have your phone for a bit?" I assume that he is talking to Jake. "Bella," I cock an eye brow at him but Jake prods me. I sigh before handing him my phone but not before I unlock it. He types something real quick and hands me my phone.

"Call me if you need anything, I have saved my contact." I flash him a smile and he reciprocates it.

"I guess I will see you guys tomorrow, take care of Bella, Jake."

"Okay, daddy." 

"And no sex on your first date, kids."

"We will use protection," Jake tells him and if he didn't already have that grin on his face I would think he is serious.

"Still no sex." He winks at us walking out and  Jake and I look at each other and we vreak down into fits of laughter.