15. FINAL EXAM

I met Ankit and narrated every word with wet eyes and lump throat. He confronted me with his valuable suggestions and advised me to wait for the next day. He reminded me of my exams also and tried to bring my attention towards it. But I couldn’t study by carrying such an enormous burden.

 I filled my mind with negative thoughts of destroying two lives. Sleep was miles away from my wet eyes. A titanic battle of thoughts made my mind heavily loaded with sorrow. I don’t know how Nisha and Riya misspent their night. I twisted and turned my body whole night till Kartik called early morning.

Our first paper was of Accountancy, which was our major, subject and he had prepared some important topics after studying the entire night. He suggested some important questions to prepare, only after listening to a hello from my side. I informed him everything about my last night and he became speechless. It baffled him when he got to know how badly I left studying and was busy in handling the chaos one day before my exam.

From morning to night, I kept telling sorry to Nisha, which I really meant. But her eyes didn’t stop her agony to flow, and she kept sobbing. I too cried and begged her to forgive. I requested her not to behave so badly else, I won’t be able to give my exam tomorrow. I couldn’t focus on my preparation. I was lost in a deadly chaos which I had created in my life.

It was for the first time I broke Nisha into pieces. I shattered her promises and trust with a mistake. She couldn’t resist her pain. I was afraid if she doesn’t commit some wrong steps. I was glad to know when her best friend informed me about Nisha how she managed by crying. She did not harm herself. I had informed her best friend the moment Nisha switched off her mobile. I requested her to take care of my Dilpari. Entire day, I begged for a second chance. I was not happy by breaking her trust. I wanted my relationship to last forever. 

In our seven years of relationship, I never did something which might lead to a break-up. That incident happened when I was only twenty-one. Not so matured, as I am now. 

I ignored a diamond for a silver. I cursed myself the whole day. I called Riya too. She was going to attend her college in the second half. I disconnected her call just after knowing she was alive. It was the only thing I prayed to God.

Next day, I was in my exam hall, thinking about my good morning text with a sorry which I had dropped early morning to Nisha. My mind expected a reply. I waited for a wish from her as if it would turn the fate of my paper.

My exam was about to start when my mobile vibrated in my pocket. I hid my head under my desk and received her call. It was Nisha who wished me luck. She wished half-heartedly but at least she wished me, which was enough for me to pass my exam.

The paper was of four hours. I started well in the first hour, avoiding all flashbacks came in my mind. Next hour, I was blank. I remembered how Nisha felt when I narrated every line of my sin. I forgot what I read, and every question seemed out of syllabus. Entire answers were out of my mind. Only thing which consumed my mind was her tears and I pictured how she cried last night. I was self-obsessed with my chaos.

I flooded her life with pain in such a way that her fragile heart was broken into pieces. The grief to succumb her life was visible in her broken voice. I experienced many reasons to leave this world forever in her mind. My mind highlighted every little thing which crossed her mind and it lost me in penance. I was the only reason for all such disaster in her life. I regretted my actions, which stung tears to my eyes.

I wiped my tears and looked back when someone poked me with a pen. My friend pushed me to write so he can copy my answers. All my friends waited to copy from my paper, but I was helpless. I was blank for the rest of the hours. My eyes were wide opened, thinking about the grave I inadvertently dug for myself. The girl whom I loved for past seven years will be no more in my life. The girl whom I dreamt to make my wife will go far away. All those thoughts took my entire time. My mind jumped back to reality when the bell rang and a rude teacher snatched my paper.

My friends knew how good I was in study, but for a while, they too were shocked seeing me sitting idle. Putting marks against a few questions I had attended, I finalized I was about to fail my first exam. All my dreams of doing an MBA shattered in a single day. There was a time when I was aspiring for studying MBA and then came a time when I burnt those dreams and flushed out with my own hands. Not only my career, I ruined my life too. Coming out of exam hall, I saw my friends with anger in their eyes. 

Some of them were depended on me. From the beginning of our college life, I gave my papers to copy the answers, but when it was last and most important time, I stepped back from helping them. They asked many times but I stated I was not well. They couldn’t believe my words, but they didn’t have any other option too. They too didn’t give their exam well. I had some conflict with one of them, who was very close to me and was completely depended on my paper. I told them to be prepared for the rest of our exams too and left them puzzled. I knew I won’t be able to pass other exams too. Because of my change in behavior, they lost their temper, but left with silence. It was a time when our friendship got ruined too, apart from my dreams.

I called my mom and informed her how I couldn’t write due to my mental illness. To my surprise, she was ok with it. I told I will fail in first exam but she was more concerned about my health and advised me to come home by next train without loitering a single second with friends.

 Next moment, I called Nisha. She had her mobile in her hand and received my call after a single ring. 

“Say.” 

I heard a heavily weighted voice drowned in pain. I opened my heart and narrated what happened to me. All those flashbacks ruined my exam and my dream too and continued with the rest.

She was already suffering from mental and physical pain, so my sad news didn’t affect her much. She asked how much I attended and suggested going home. We lost in grief, and even a heavy pain of failing an exam didn’t affect us much. It was like you cannot break a broken glass twice. Even if you break, it will be no harm to it.

I headed towards my home, walking with a distressed mind. Head down towards the earth. Watching my own feet while walking. Those feet which crushed my career. I came home with a withered face. My mom was worried about my health more than my exam. I hugged my mom as I was low in spirit. I cried on her arms. She grabbed me hard when she found her brave son crying. A bunch of thoughts of failing my exam made me cry like a loser. I released all my pain of destroying everything precious of my life on her shoulder, which kept soaking my pain.