16. DEAD INSIDE

My family was oblivious to what was going on in my mind. I pretended as everything was fine in my life. Almost all were busy in enjoying the rituals. Some of us were tired of arranging things. Every day some new kinsmen arrived. Singing, dancing, and enjoying those days at fullest. 

In my mind, I was fighting different battles. I tried to overcome my pain of my first paper and planned to cover up the shortfalls from other papers. So, I focused on my studies once again with a broken heart and a disparity. 

Those days, I had made a duty to call Nisha four times a day. My first call was about her breakfast, second was for lunch and medicine, third for snacks, and my last call was an apologize along with a gentle reminder of medicine after dinner. Only thing left in my life was her health, which I was concerned about. The doctor had advised to take immense care of her so I cross-checked. Sometimes, she used to forget taking her daily dose to which I reminded. She liked it but it was not enough to change her mind.

On one side, she suffered from physical pain, and on the other side, she went through anxiety. I knew God will never forgive me for the way I ruined her life. I knew it quite well. I wanted her to get out of her sufferings before we finally detach forever. I had mentally prepaid myself to live life without her.

It was hard for me to live two kinds of life at once. From outside, I enjoyed along with my family and the enjoyments increased day by day. The more we went close to the day of marriage, the happier we were. From inside, I was a dead soul at twenty-two.

As you know, some people die early in their life but get buried after seventy-five. 

Her absence in my life shattered all my ambition, aim, goal, purpose, desire, dream and confidence for every little thing. I lost every aspect of my life. Every little thing which used to give me strength from past seven years became my weakness. Dark circles under my eyes formed a shadow of our dreams, which I had carried for seven long years in my eyes. My shaggy hair looked like I was a wanderer. All sleepless nights exploded my sense.

My toss and turns at night destroyed my health. Day by day, I became skinny. My skin color darkened. One break-up blemished my life. 

When people in love say I can’t live without you, sometimes it’s true. A person without hope, dream, and purpose is worse than a dead body. It’s not living, it’s dying every day to die once. 

Dealing with damage on one side, I gave rest of my exams with lack of confidence. I failed no exam in my life, and I was afraid of what if I fail that time? My challenge became a big burden. I must carry the dignity of my results. I had already made my first exam a disaster, at least I needed to pass the rest for my family. They were very excited about my results. My sister had dropped out of her graduation in the final year. So, my family had lots of anticipations from me. 

But I drowned in a hopeless life, depressed with my dark future. I had less time to express sorrow and grief as most of my time wasted as my family members were disturbed me with stupid questions. Whatever free time I used to get, I studied.

By the grace of God, I completed rest of my exams well. Not as per expectations, but I knew I will pass all those. After my last exam, I lost some burden from my shoulder. I assured myself about the expectations of my family would be fulfilled. I filled my mind with positivity because I was about to surprise them with my result. 

Next day, when my exam got over, my mother visited Nisha’s house to invite her. I was terrified, how she will behave with my family. Whether she will accept or not? What even if she accepts our invitation, will she come? My mind got locked in doubts and those questions surrounded me. It had been a month since we haven’t met. I died to have a look of my Dilpari for once. She disappeared from my life like water evaporates from a silent pond. At first, I decided to visit with my mom to meet my Dilpari. I wanted to know how she handled those storms I gave in her peaceful life. Later, I rejected thinking it won’t be good for her. My presence will hurt her more. So, I rejected giving some excuse and my sister went to invite them along with my mom. 

To my surprise, Nisha was delighted to get the presence of my mom. She loved my mom a lot, like her own. Sweet smile with wrinkles around her eyes faded on her face when she saw an invitation card with a chocolate on my mom’s hand. She was pleased and friendly with my mother. My mom too loved her a lot, like her daughter. Nisha was too cute to love. She was pretty and innocent. Anyone can love her seeing her cuteness. They enjoyed every moment. For a time being, Nisha forgot her pain and lost in a world of happiness. She finally learned how to smile again.

She asked how everything happened in my sister’s engagement. My mom described every little thing to her. She shared our grief, how we danced without her, how my eyes looked for a special person. How our family photos were incomplete without her. How we prayed for her well-being and how his brave son cried for her. My mom made her day by sharing those sweet bitter moments.

My mom came back with a beautiful smile stretched on her face. Her face brightened with happiness as she saw her future daughter-in-law fighting so well with her situation. 

Nisha and her family greeted well. Respected with honor and shown their consent to attend the wedding. It gave a ray of hope in my life again. I thanked her for behaving well many times in my mind and once in a text. I made her aware of my reasons I didn’t come. I requested her to be a part of our auspicious event. After wishing her good night, I slept peacefully. It had been a month I hadn’t slept like I did the night when Nisha smiled. I dreamt with my opened eyes about Nisha and her comeback in my life. It lost me in dreams, and sleep closed my eyes.